To refuse to give a colleague a lift to/from work?

[NotTonightDeidre]

A colleague at work, I'll call her Kate, gets a lift 4 days a week with another colleague, Jen. Jen doesn't work Thursday, but both Kate & I do.

I've given Kate a lift on several occasions but I find it awkward as she's not all that talkative & I'm a very chatty person.

We did some training last week & I was in the same team as Kate, she barely acknowledged me, let alone spoke to me.

We saw each other at work today (we're in different teams day to day) and she half smiled at me. Fast forward to after work & I get a text from Kate asking for a lift tomorrow morning.

AIBU to have replied saying I'm unable to offer a lift at the minute? I feel like a dick, but also, I don't want awkward journeys in my own car.

just say no

I would hate this, and refused in the past as I listen to my music on full blast on the way to work, and sing!

No, but she could make a bit of an effort, such as acknowledging the OP when they encounter each other at work. I think it's really rude to have basically blanked her.

I'm with everybody else - just say no. Don't make up a reason why not - it will just give Kate an opportunity to argue the reason away. 'No, that doesn't work for me' is vague, and if she were to push for details that can be batted away with 'That's personal.'.

Admittedly the second one could cause her to cry or something woke like that.

Blimey, @HelplessSoul, are you Colin from Portsmouth?

Just say no, and for gods sake don’t say sorry what have you got to be sorry for 🤷🏻‍♀️

A good way to get out of it, “I can’t this week but maybe next time?” Then repeat and have next time never come.

No because once you've started you won't be able to stop.

Much better not to start in the first place (or do any more before it becomes an expected thing).

Was in a similar situation years ago. Lady i worked with didn’t drive and when the company moved a few miles away it was deemed the norm that I’d pick her up en route. She was a nice enough lady but I like my down time during to/from work to listen to music and do my own thing. She could talk for England, I like to chill in my own car, and I felt increasingly irritated by being forced to make small talk. Plus at the time I was seeing a guy and would sometimes want to go off to meet up with him after work or stay over (so not local to pick her up in morning) - it just added another level of not being able to do what I wanted as I’d have to let her know in advance. I used to just grit my teeth and make up things to give myself a break now and then………don’t mind the odd lift, but everyday…No.

@NotTonightDeidre OP you're not obliged to give anyone a lift for any reason. However, YABU for having messaged her "I'm unable to offer a lift at the minute" as this gives her the impression you can't give her a lift tomorrow or this week, but you will be able to in the future. Why didn't you simply reply "I'm afraid I can't give you a lift anymore"? Then that would have been the end of it.

I wouldn't be given anyone a lift if they barely even acknowledged me!

How does she normally get to work on a Thursday? What about if the other lift giver is off?

Don't reply to message. Saves making anything up.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It's double true with coworkers who want you to be their chauffeur and can't be bothered to be pleasant outside of asking for free rides.

Okayyyyyyyyy 🤨

She only speaks to you via text when she wants something?

"Sorry, i"m unable to manage that atm" is all you need to say

This. ^ I have had this done to me in the past. People are shameless and will take lifts off you left right and centre, even when they have had very little to do with you previously, (and some of them have very little to do with you when they're cadging lifts!)

You have to be strong and say 'I'm not a free taxi service, and I'm giving no more lifts, find your own way to work.' Sounds like she's not that nice anyway @NotTonightDeidre so do you care if you upset her/offend her?!

If you're afraid to speak up (and I know it's easier said than done) then can you get a bus in, or cycle or get someone to take YOU in, so you're not available to give her a lift? (Just for a few weeks?)

I know I sound like a hard, unfeeling cow, but this is the reason that I don't offer to do anything for anyone. You offer just a couple of times, and people take the piss. They expect it, they use you, and they won't stop. And when you DO eventually rein it in, YOU are the bad guy, who has 'let them down.'

I just say no to pretty much everything and everyone now, (eg, I will not take peoples parcels in, and I don't want therm taking mine in.) So people know not to ask. Too many people have taken the piss in the past... Of course it means I get stuck occasionally if the car is out of sorts, as I can't ask for help as I don't give it... But I just get a taxi. (We also have our safe place for our parcels, so don't need anyone else taking them in. Indeed I don't WANT them to.)

I would rather me and DH just do things ourselves, and don't ask anyone else, as it means we don't have to do anything in return ... I hate being beholden to someone! It does bite us on the arse occasionally, but it also means that we don't have to do fuck-all for anyone else as we don't owe them.

It works for us because it means we don't get used and shit on and taken for mugs. I may sound cold, but me and DH have been used and mugged off and shit on so much in the past, that we don't let it happen anymore. It's much easier to say NO at our age. With age comes WAY less fucks.

Disclaimer: I would of course, help someone in an emergency, but just not on a regular basis...

.

Nope, you’re not a taxi service. End of. Do not be berated or guilted into it either

One of my colleagues doesn’t drive, she says she just never got round to it. I very occasionally give her a lift to the station, but it takes me out of my way and there are endless roadworks on the main route, so I’m just not going to offer. I often want to go home via the supermarket or run home to take out the dog, it’s extremely inconvenient to have to give a lift.

i echo the ‘That doesn’t work for me’. No need to bang on about going to the gym etc. Just text her back. It’s a bit cheeky her asking given she barely speaks to you.

My MIL got into this situation last winter with a CF colleague who didn't have her driving licence yet. It was a one-off initially but the CF saw how much time she saved by getting a lift/no waiting at cold bus stops, so made it a daily thing to ask my MIL to drive her to and from work. Never offered petrol money or anything, and it became an entitlement. She got annoyed with my MIL if she had a day off so no lift. And they were friends with no awkward silences! Well they were friends. The whole thing made them fall out simply because the CF made it an entitlement thing, and not recognising that my MIL was doing her a huge kindness.

It can work only if the person receiving the lift isn't a CF as that just breeds bittterness.

You don't owe her a lift. You can say no for any reason, or none. As she is not friendly to you and makes you uncomfortable, that's a perfectly good reason.

I would make up an excuse for this week & say you’re going to your Mums for coffee before work or something. Then just keep saying it each week until she stops asking.

I love my alone time in the car with my music or an audio book. I'd only consider sharing with someone I really liked. I'd feel no guilt at saying no to someone who could barely look in my direction at work and I'd not even feel inclined to offer a reason. Just a no, sorry it's not convenient.

No that’s too waffle and avoidant. It implies there’s a potential when there is not
Just say no

Er, why am I an arse? Just trying to suggest something to help the OP. Fine if you don't agree with my wording but why the need to be unpleasant with it? Personally I think the phrase "no, can't do" is a lot more arsey 🤷‍♂️

What now..? Men give lifts all the time. It doesn't seen to be nearly as big a deal for them as for women. Maybe because they like or don't mind driving, so don't see it as being taken advantage of while someone else gets away with it like a lot of women do.

Worth reading the whole thread here, it is WILD.

Agree to do the lift to get her address then pop over the night before and firebomb her house. That’s what ALL MEN would do.