To refuse to give a colleague a lift to/from work?

[NotTonightDeidre]

A colleague at work, I'll call her Kate, gets a lift 4 days a week with another colleague, Jen. Jen doesn't work Thursday, but both Kate & I do.

I've given Kate a lift on several occasions but I find it awkward as she's not all that talkative & I'm a very chatty person.

We did some training last week & I was in the same team as Kate, she barely acknowledged me, let alone spoke to me.

We saw each other at work today (we're in different teams day to day) and she half smiled at me. Fast forward to after work & I get a text from Kate asking for a lift tomorrow morning.

AIBU to have replied saying I'm unable to offer a lift at the minute? I feel like a dick, but also, I don't want awkward journeys in my own car.

Sorry. I’m studying at the moment and I use my car time to listen to the course audio lectures…

is she quiet with everyone or just you? That would help you to gauge if she’s being cheeky or not. If yes just say you can’t do it anymore you have stuff to do before and after and leave it at that.

@NotTonightDeidre How did you even get roped into giving this person a lift? You're not friends and she doesn't talk to you!

Did Jen arrange it?

How did she get your number?

So pleased to see you have refused to take her before posting. Say no and stick with it. Sounds like she'll take a mile (silently) if allowed to.

I don't understand people feeling obligated to give lifts. Fully appreciate it being hard to say no but you're all adults and it doesn't sound as though she likes you all that much. Let her sort herself out.

She's managed Thursdays, so far. So, you can say, [do not apologise] 'I cannot give lifts because my schedule is unpredictable.' That is all. Sometimes, make it a point to arrive at work at the last minute.

Without the I wish I could.

I've just remembered being asked to pick up a student on the way to my teaching adults Desk Top publishing job at a Community Centre fifteen miles away - and one day I waited 15 minutes for him, no show. It was 2004, I didn't have a phone in those days. As I knew the class of 20 would be waiting to be let into the room and I had the key, I continued with my journey. He put in a complaint to my boss, saying he'd been '5 minutes late'. I had to justify why 'I'd left him' and my boss was obviously put out. Horrible. Years later I found out a bus does pass this place, he could have easily got the bus.

just say no. Years ago I was in a similar situation but the colleague was offering me the lift. she was a very difficult person and the lifts were awkward. I kept making excuses to the point I made out I was having an affair and was meeting them after work. it was absolutely ridiculous looking back. It took years for me to just say no and offer no explanation.

You’re being utterly petty and immature.

I have agreed to give a colleague a lift to work in the past. She was a very nice lady and we agreed a pick up point. She was frequently late and this put me in a very difficult position as it meant me being late for work.
A lesson learnt.
The same went for nights out where I would be asked by colleagues for a lift home if they gave me petrol money.
No no and no again

I could never get into a routine of giving lifts.
Some days I go in early if I am awake early or have a busy day.
Other days I’m rushing because I haven’t ironed my clothes or the cat has been sick. I would hate to have to explain myself or fit in with an agreed time.
I don’t always leave work on time, often have errands to do on the way home or just like to decompress on the journey home.

I feel she's being a bit naughty she doesn't acknowledge you then a half hearted smile then "can I get a lift tomorrow" if it were me I'd feel like I was being used and I'd be asking myself does she not want to talk to me not because she's "quite" but because I'm just useful and she doesn't want to rock the boat, I say these things because I've had it happen to me.
Does she give you anything for giving her a lift just a token of appreciation or something

She might be shy, if OP feels awkward because Kate is too quiet..maybe Kate feels the same because she feels she needs to talk more.. I know it's different because OP is doing her a favour at the end of the day, but I can be like this sometimes and I dont mean to be rude .. I'm just very self conscious of myself sometimes and feel awkward being the first to start the chat etc.

We need more of these 👆 stories because I hate being offered lifts by people who I don't generally speak to. I would much rather enjoy my own company/book/daydream time than suffer awkward conversation.

Yep, if you mean it should be far easier to just say no and offer no pussyfooting excuses in these situations, whose frequency horrifies me.
No way is there any obligation to endure uncomfortable and unwelcome company outside work, where there is no greater need behind the request than mere convenience.

She might be shy?

But she isnt a shy cunt to want a lift for free though, is she?

🙄

Kate is a cunt. End of discussion.

But yet somehow finds the courage to ask for lifts...

i didn’t know there was such an affliction as an “allergy to acts of kindness”, but apparently there is.

The older I get the more I notice how often being shy, being insecure, being unable to do xyz coincidentally ends up being to the advantage of the shy etc individual.

She’s got more neck than a giraffe!! Just go for ‘I’m not able to do that, hope you get it sorted’.

This is the whole truth of this combative discussion, isn’t it?
It’s all very well for some here to declare that acts of kindness should be our reflex reaction (and so they should be if they are one off, out of the blue pleas), but to expect a near stranger at work to so dramatically limit her own essential freedom in order to be Miss X’s transport to work is mind-bogglingly unrealistic.
(It'd be a different matter if the request had cone from someone with whom OP is on easy, relaxed terms. Maybe the prospect of those car journeys wouldn’t stress her out so much, but either way, OP is entitled to whatever reaction she feels.)
I really don’t believe that all these living saints would actually live up to their words, and willingly agree to this chauffeur job as it is presented here.

Also, if OP finds it particularly stressful or awkward to be in close and exclusive company with a taciturn person, that isn’t to demonise such personalities one bit.
I’d find it excruciating myself, and anyway I’d seriously need that commuting time on my own, getting into the groove in the morning, and decompressing after a day of interaction with a lot of people.
I’m just a regular old woman, but enough really is enough.

(If OP had said she was 3inches along ‘the spectrum™️’, everyone would be demanding that her right to such personal space be protected by company law)

I've never understood why people think being shy means it isn't rude. It's still rude. Only a small percentage of people actually like being the one to start the conversation in these situations. The vast majority of us force ourselves to do it because we know it's rude not to.

And the reason it's rude not to is because it's an important element of keeping situations civil and friendly.

I didn't say that ...I said "don't mean to be rude "

So you cannot be shy if you TEXT someone to ask for a lift ? Ok .. idky most of you have put her on this "we hate Kate" hill .. she's asking someone who works with her for a lift...not a lift to another place..but a place they are both going to.. she should be offering petrol money ..we don't know if OP said its OK.. it's a one sided comment from someone who doesn't want a quiet person in their car.