Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

Believe it or not, teachers aren't the most important people here. So they're busy, so what? If children are feeling invisible, the teacher is doing a bad job.

Do not complain. That's confrontational and will alienate you. Arrange a meeting with the head, and keep it calm, measured and friendly. Ask how your son is doing and maybe explain why he's absent so often.

On the positive side, as has already been suggested, encourage him to join some clubs etc outside school.

I think there are bigger issues here.
Like most have said, maybe chat with the school but it possibly won't have much impact if they are conducting themselves within their guidelines for awards etc.
The best approach would be to explain to your child that we don't always get what we feel we should and we can't all be good at everything. My daughter is often overlooked, sometimes shes bothered, other times she isn't - im probably more bothered than her but as I tell her (and remind myself) we can only control our reaction to things not peoples actions.
I think most telling is that from what I can see you have only replied to the negative comments and overlooked the positive.
Negativity breeds negativity. Be positive. Put a positive spin on eveything you can. And in turn your son will see that

Exactly. He’s an average kid so he’s not getting academic awards and he’s not sporty so he’s not getting picked for the teams. That’s life so don’t be that parent.

Are you saying that he isn’t good at anything? That’s probably true from your previous posts.
You sound like you have a serious chip on your shoulder and your sons reaction to not being picked is probably caused by your attitude.

So next week your child gets whatever certificate is going. Then what? Will he be happy? I think not.

I’ve seen kids tell parents every tiny negative thing that day and parents fixate on it and ask again and again. Kid is getting attention from parents for the 1 negative thing that happened out of the 1000 of positive things that happened.
try and talk about good things that happened at school and make that the thing he wants to talk about rather than focusing on the negative.

you only have his word to go on. Maybe he does get asked questions but not because he put his hand up. Many schools have started to ban hands up as it’s the same kids.

my kid wasn’t picked for main parts as there were some kids who were big characters and got the main part all way through. They were ok over actors but everyone just rolled their eyes. 👀
my kid isn’t sporty. Never went on sports trips

everyone seems to need a participation award these days

going in and yelling at the teacher will not work. Have a discussion about your child but listen to them rather than accuse.

Because they tend to repeat what other posters have written and don’t read the OP’s posters. Hence when one poster interprets the OP, that mistake is then repeated over and over again.

To repeat. The OP does NOT have 85% attendance, but near perfect whatever that means.

I read it that it was near perfect apart from
the numerous days he had off sick 🤷‍♀️

You’re not being unreasonable to question - however, I can attest to the fact (being a teacher myself) that

1. sports teams are for those best at it. Your child may just not be. It’s competition and part of preparing our children for life is understanding that.
2. does your child volunteer for roles? Every year I have children that do not want one, despite me offering a simple line like ‘wow’ and they refuse, only to tell their parents they weren’t given one. My experience leads me to tell parents now, in front of kid, that despite my pleas, they don’t want a part.
3. many schools don’t want hands up anymore as it’s the same kids and ‘cold calling’ is preferred - see it as a complement that we usually pick on the ones that look like they don’t know what they’re doing to check understanding. He’s potentially 1/35 kids also.

I do feel for you, I hate seeing my child being overlooked too, but know class sizes are huge and kids often show a different side at school. Particularly if you’re pushing for answers from them.

I’d go down the route of ‘Is Tommy applying for roles as I want to ensure he’s willing to try new things?’ Than go full Welsh! (Just yet anyway, save that for later when you have a better picture)

I didn’t at all. I read it as him having been off when he had vomiting bugs, as I hope any child would be. The OP says that he goes in with heavy colds, so she isn’t soft on attendance.

I think some posters are determined to interpret the OP in the worst possible light as is often the case. In this case, possibly because of some of the OTT language from the OP.

I think most posters are just responding to the OPs unreasonable attitude

Vomiting bugs can go on for some time, especially given the fact most schools also require 48-hours off school from the last time the child vomited to avoid the child returning while still contagious, so far from “perfect” if you are unlucky enough to get one. And to quote attendance above 85% as worthy of an award just smacks of a gross misunderstanding of reality, because no school would reward persistent absence.

I think the problem is that the OP does come across as histrionic and black and white in her thinking (her child must be entirely accurate in their perception, whereas the teachers are borderline cruel by “conveniently” failing to acknowledge him in any way). She does say she had a hard time at school herself and, imvho, this has translated into her overreacting to anything even slightly negative her child says about his day, to the point he is reacting to her anxiety and developing a victim complex. Yes, he may be being a bit overlooked and could benefit from some praise, but no he does not need a mother blowing this out of proportion and going into school aggressively accusing staff of ignoring her child. If she’s worried about her child, she should ask to work with the school to help his self-esteem, not blame them for his lack of it and tell them they have to give him a reward to make him feel better.

Yes, I did reference her OTT language. It does give the impression that she’s making her DS feel worse about school by making a big fuss about everything.

Wow this thread is a tough read. The kicking the OP is getting when there are frequent threads on here referencing this exact problem - of decent but unremarkable children being overlooked for active praise or recognition.
I agree that a calm, constructive conversation is the best way to approach the school here, whilst also finding other ways to boost his self esteem through out of school clubs. Accepting the cost issue but I would try to find one affordable one - he really doesn’t need the multiple clubs we hear about in Mumsnet- just something to give him a different perspective and wider group of friends.

And as for the reading comprehension of the 85% brigade and the person referencing the 11+ when it’s not been a thing in Wales for 50 years 🫣

This is nonsense. By definition “unremarkable” children shouldn’t get praise and recognition because they haven’t done anything to merit that.

Wow I’m glad I don’t work for you.
Know much about humans and how to motivate them? 😂

Duplicate

Maybe praise for turning up and taking part then but not academic awards and places in the sports teams, which is partly what the OP is whinging about.

I really think you need to find out the teacher’s point of view before you decide to go off the deep end.
Most schools tend to ensure that every child receives some sort of award throughout the year, even the badly behaved ones,so they have something to celebrate. School teams are always going to be ‘the best’ children because of the competitive element ; school plays will generally have the best speakers/actors because of the obvious need to be heard . Why would you put someone in a role they don’t want or the audience can’t hear? Some people shine as part of the bigger groups. And there are children who are happier with the ‘backstage’ roles… just as important and usually chosen by the children themselves.
as for the teacher just staring at him… sounds like he is complaining or shouting out in class and getting ‘the look’.

I don’t think they are. I think they’re expressing scepticism about the OP version of events, since for most 85% would appear an unlikely threshold to be eligible for an attendance award.

When started you should fave been asked if you gave permission for her to be used in photos etc. Did you maybe not give permission?

After reading this and your other replies to people on this thread I do have to say you seem very passionate about having the best for your son. However, perhaps the root cause of his unhappiness isn’t the treatment he is getting (teachers don’t generally single out children to mistreat) but the way it is being framed at home by you.

If your child tells you something then you are right to believe that is how they experienced it. But they are still a child and don’t always have the vocabulary and social experience to give an objective view. The teacher may have overlooked him on one occasion he has focused in on but included him in other ways that didn’t stand out for him so he didn’t remember.

Going into school with a victim mentality isn’t going to help anyone. Least of all
your son.

In primary school they don’t normally have the same teacher two years in a row and even if 1 teacher this year was overlooking him it would be a really awful coincidence for 2 teachers over 2 years to do the same. This, again, suggests it is perception on your sons behalf rather than fact.

Being recognised isn’t a given in life. Sometimes children (and adults) need to accept this and be more resilient.

My daughter was rarely recognised with certificates/speaking parts etc in primary school. It was never something we made a big deal out of, we praised her at home for achieving which mattered more.

Great post

I would have given permission, I always do.

Honestly i would go in all guns (politely!) blazing and fight his corner. At 10 his perception of the world is mature enough to trust.

Also what is this ‘one must never complain because it might upset the teacher attitude?’

The teacher should care about the kids in their class and how they are feeling and want to know if something is upsetting them. If it is a case of crossed wires then what’s wrong with trying to resolve that. Why all the tip-toeing around?

You can raise an issue assertively and directly without being rude or accusatory. Then you can together explore the problem and resolve it.

I hope op’s son gets a little bit more of the attention he deserves soon!