Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

She never said her son was achieving 85% - she said above. The school for whatever reason recognise 85% as the threshold.

I hope your children haven't inherited your terrible comprehension.

There are 30 kids in a typical class, the reality is there's very little individual attention for any of them. You are probably hyper sensitive and noticing any time anyone gets anything and not noticing the many other children getting nothing.

My granddaughter has a teacher with lots of systems for daily, weekly and monthly rewards for individuals and groups - but she's only 6. I imagine this will lessen as she moves further up the school.

Is your DS actually missing out on having his achievements recognised? Do all children with 85% attendance get an award and how often? Academic awards (in my day) were once a year to a couple of kids. I would make an appointment with (or email) the teacher. Say your DS is feeling unmotivated/unseen/unheard and ask for advice. He may be passed over because he is undemanding.

If you can, try to find some out of school activities where his achievements will be recognised - a football team where everyone gets to play, swimming lessons with regular certificates, Cubs/Scouts with lots of badges - and tell him yourself how proud you are of him for particular skills and attributes.

Do you think maybe your lack of mental resilience could the cause of future psychological damage?

The school for whatever reason recognise 85% as the threshold

This would be completely mad and nust be an error, 85% is a level where you'd usually have truant/attendance officers getting involved.

OMG you're a tosser, tattle was right about this place

OP, these certificates don’t really mean a lot. I wouldn’t focus on them. I can’t remember my DS ever receiving a certificate, they were mainly used for people who needed that extra bit of encouragement. So kids that had poor attendance but had improved. Or kids who struggled academically putting in loads of effort.

At the end of the day it sounds like he’s in year 6 so only has a couple of terms left at this school. No point in going in all guns blazing now.

Should I wait until my son gets home, then tell him he's worthless and he should accept it?

No, you tell him his worth is nothing to do with a primary school attendance award and you foster a culture at home of not focusing on these sorts of prizes and praising him for the things within his control.

Yet here you are ...

Please don’t do this. Teachers are rushed off their feet as it is without having to make sure that every child is seen in an update photo at some point. It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and will probably result in the weekly updates stopping altogether.

Take it from an ex-teacher: children love attention. Just a bit of recognition: that's all it takes. It doesn't have to be a song and dance at an awards ceremony. "Blimey, John - that's a nice piece of work you've done there. I like how you've done x, y and z." Difficult as it is with 25-30 kids in a room, it is the teacher's responsibility to share that attention around because, for a child, not getting any attention is soul-destroying. And I've seen kids' faces light up with just a tiny bit of praise.

If a young teacher is as much of a fool as I was in my early career, they might not understand this need for attention, and might react badly to being told, so the parent has to find someone in the school who will understand the legitimacy of the parent's desire for the child to receive positive attention.

Some quite children are overlooked, like quite adults, definitely arrange to have a chat. A little bit goes a long way.

I think there are a few parts to your post- it's a hard reality in life that it's only the few who win the prizes, get olympic gold medals, get an MBE etc. and school is the first lesson in this. The majority of people are in the middle ground, doing well but not exceptional, and our role as parents is to make our children feel seen, valued and appreciated where ever they are/what ever they are doing (with in reason obviously!). It's normal for children to be disappointed when they don't get a prize etc, but if it's having a longer term detrimental effect on your son I wonder if that's partly because he feels he needs to get an award/main part etc for you to value him? Resilience against these disappointments comes from knowing that you value and appreciate him whether he gets an award at school or not. Celebrate his achievements as a family in different ways, cook his favourite meal, have a family movie night, make him a certificate to go on his wall...

If kids are on a team together/doing an activity together it's natural that they will have a closer bond, leaving your son feeling isolated from them, so that's where you need to be creative to find ways for him to strengthen his connection with friends outside of school. You could having them over after school for a few hours, take them to the park/woods/beach etc. Do it regularly.

Finally, and equally importantly is the issue that he feels overlooked in class, speak to the teacher, explain that he'd like to participate more and ask how you can support him to do this? This let's the teacher know that he's feeling overlooked, but in a constructive way- you'll get nothing by accusing the teacher of ignoring your child.

He may be in the top 25%, but if there are a couple of awards per class- that's not enough for everyone in the top 25% to get a prize, your expectation that the teacher's statement automatically meant he'd get a prize is unrealistic.

If there's a criteria that's set for recognition eg everyone over 85% attendance gets an attendance award, that he's met, and hasn't been recognised for then I'd mention it, but not if it's a case of 'over 85% makes you eligible' but only 1 person gets an award, there will always be someone lucky with 100%. Attendance awards are crazy- they encourage sick children to go to school, and penalize the ones who are ill through no fault of their own (sometimes due to another sick child coming to school so that they can get their 100% attendance, at the expense of the other children they spread their bugs to!).

You obviously care deeply for your son, it's heartbreaking when outside factors affect our kids outlook, but that's when as parents, we have to pick them up, show them that their value is far greater than a prize, and help them find what they shine at...

Do you actually believe that the teacher is just staring at him and not speaking every time he puts his hand up to answer a question? You’re taking a child’s version of the facts as Gospel. Just make an appointment to see the teacher and say he’s not very happy at the moment, say what his concerns are and have a conversation about it. It’s likely he’s misreading quite a lot of things because he’s young and egocentric as is normal for young children. A lot of schools now have a no hands up policy as well to ensure everyone is engaging not just those with their hands up all the time as that allows others to opt out.

Could you get him doing things out of school. I know you say money is tight but I am a member of a rugby club and although not advertised there is money there for any kids who want to join but parents can’t afford it but you do have to be brave and enquire. Kit also gets passed down and there is a big box of boots that all the junior school kids parents use from the ones tight on money to the ones in private school as they all grow out of them so fast and they all just put them back in the box when they are grown out of so it really doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Developing skills outside of school might boost his confidence.

My DD had a teacher like this in primary. She told me at parents’ evening that she never noticed if my DD was there or not, as she was quiet. In a class of 15. I picked her up towards the end of the school year, got there early and they were giving out weekly awards. DD had never had one of these. One of the other Mums said it was always the same kids who got them. We moved DD and we’re very clear exactly why we were doing so. And we weren’t the only ones.

@ThisMerryCat I think you're getting a bit of a hard time op. It's really hard to watch your child go through this especially if he notices and is upset about it. The reality is probably 50% of his class are in the same position. I think you should definitely speak to his teacher and tell her is upset, there must be some award they could give him or let him participate in the next assembly etc.
From the point of view of helping your son find something he is good at if you can find some sort of club or after school activity to give him some confidence I think that would help.

There will definitely be another side to this. Stop demanding, and go and find out reasonably.

I think you probably have an inaccurate perception here.

We got an email yesterday about attendance that said ‘we expect all pupils to have over 95% attendance. Whilst 90% may sound good, it is the equivalent of having 1 day off a fortnight and half a year off over 5 years of secondary education. If attendance drops to 80%, this is equivalent to a child having a whole off from their compulsory secondary education’. I simply don’t believe that any school would reward attendance with the threshold being 85%. I would also highly doubt his class teacher has anything to do with issuing certificates, this would be done by a reception or central admin team. So unless you think the whole school has an agenda against you, this is in your mind/ your sons mind. I know you said his attendance was higher, but at our school it is for 100%.

Kids say stuff right, I never get picked I never get a certificate… but this is just the perception of a 7/8/9/10 year old. You can really beleive his teacher is just staring at him when he asks a question. As an example my daughter told me last week I was so mean and every other parent was letting their children stay up to watch traitors final. It was like the world was on fire. I asked on the WhatsApp and 2 parents were the rest said absolutely not. My son told me in the summer that ALL his friends were allowed to go on the train to Cambridge… guess what it wasn’t true. There was two boys who went to Cambridge with their older siblings.

With sports teams, places are awarded on metric. So the best 7 girls get selected for the A team in netball (she’s year 6). In my sons year the best 15 boys are selected for the rugby squad (he is in year 10). My son is really sporty and has always been selected for the A teams, my daughter is occasionally picked for the B team if there is someone off poorly but never A. Sport is competitive and they are going to take the best team available.

In terms of the academic awards, again it would be virtually unheard of for the top 25% to be awarded with a certificate. If there is 30 in a class this would be 7 or 8 children. I have now been involved with 3 schools and the measure has been the same in all. 1 award for academic excellence which is the child that gets the highest over all score from end of year tests. An award for academic progress which awards the child that has the biggest gap/ has shown the most improvement between the start of year tests and the end of year tests. There is then the effort and spirit award which rewards the a child that the teacher has chosen for their effort. Again I have been on both sides of the fence with this. My very sporty/ dyslexic son has never won an award. It used to piss me off. Now my daughter wins an award every year and is head girl in her last year at primary. People make shitty comments to me about. the same people being chosen every time but now I know how it is measured it is what it is. She never gets chosen for sports teams though.

if he is feeling distanced from his friends perhaps organise some play dates, or arrange to meet at the park if money is tight.

If the teacher really was being mean to him it seems unlikely she would tell you he is doing well and in the top 25%. What do his school reports say? I would base your conclusions on fact rather than your son looking unhappy at points and you correlating this directly to a teacher being mean.

I think if you go in there all guns blazing you will look silly and won’t achieve anything. Kids can be mean to each other, often kids have complex emotions where they can feel left out at times. I have had this with both my children at points. They can also catastrophise small things like not being given a certificate. BUT we have to teach children that not every does get a certificate. Not every one is good at sport. Not everyone is the most academic in the class. I was pretty average at most things, but never excelled at any specific thing and I’ve turned out just fine.

Sounds like your kid is average. If he wants accolades he needs to be more than average in a least one thing. That’s life.

Here's the thing, OP, they won't. There are almost no circumstances in which the school will be held to account in a meaningful way and certainly not in a way that properly recompenses for any harm.

And that is true of almost all situations your DC will find himself in in life.

So while getting the school to treat him in a way that encourages his love of learning and desire to be there is a great goal and I do think going in to talk with them is important, you should also look at building up his resilience. Improving his internal motivation, his sense of self, his growth mindset, his ability to put disappointment behind him, and his ability to find and focus on the things he likes in whatever situation he's in will make his life much better whatever happens with the school.

I'm from Gwynedd and have never heard of this before. Must be an English speaker thing?

What a nasty response. I'm surprised you didn't end with 'HTH'.

This is a lovely post.

It resonates with me because I have one child who is a high achiever, struggles with friendships, makes the sports teams yet is quite negative about life in general and another child who is average, doesn't make the school teams, yet ambles along making friends easily and is generally happy with life. Of course they are disappointed when they don't make teams but they are also far more resilient than the high achieving child.

Encourage your child at home. Tell him he is amazing for the qualities that he has and that you must have nurtured at home. Build him up. Life isn't long tearing us down.

This cannot be true. So for 5+ years. and 5+ different teachers your son has been literally ignored? Wtf?