Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

Our school only give out awards for 100% attendance end of last term my son was took bowling for havng 100% for the year , 85% really isn't that great and it sounds like he's off quite a bit .
I think the problem that needs addressing with the teacher is that he now doesn't want to go to school and go from there .

A child with attendance below 90% is classified as a persistent absentee. The only “award” a child with 85% attendance is likely to get is a letter to their parents inviting them to meet the Education Welfare Officer to discuss their child’s poor attendance. Whilst the OP claims her ds is hardly ever absent, she might actually have a very skewed idea of what good attendance looks like if she really thinks a child with 86% attendance should be entitled to a reward for good attendance. If the OP’s ds actually does have attendance below 90%, part of the problem might be he is beginning to notice he is missing out on things and not understanding what is going on in class due to his recent absences.

Unreasonable to be furious and demanding.
Entirely reasonable to request a meeting with the teacher to discuss your child feeling over looked for everything you listed.
Also a good idea to teach striving to do one's best to feel good and not rewards or recognition.

Agee with this 100%, and my background is also in primary teaching. My children were often the ones overlooked - they got on with stuff and didn’t fuss. All they really needed was a little word of praise every now and then. When teachers did this, it was always reported back to me, and I could have hugged the (few) teachers concerned.

@ThisMerryCat I realise many posters have misunderstood the 85% attendance thing.

Are you saying that all the kids who are 85% and above are getting attendance certificates apart from your son? If yes, then that's something you would be able to email the school about and get cleared up fairly quickly.

Or do they just reward a small percentage of the top attenders?

When you complained last year, what did the school say to you?

My wee girl absolutely beamed when she came home and told us something the teacher had said to her. It was literally a six word sentence but the teacher had hit on something that meant a lot to her. So simple, but visibly meant more than any certificate or sticker she's ever received.

People think there's something inherently wrong with wanting a bit of praise but none of us wants to go into a work appraisal or performance review and have no positive feedback on what we're doing. Why would kids be any different.

How are people still managing to post about the OP's son's attendance incorrectly

Is your son an only child or the youngest? The fact you’re automatically believing his version tells me he’s an only child and you’ve no previous experience with older children how they can be very manipulative, pull at your heart stings, self pity almost daily to gain your attention and sympathy, twist the truth to make them look hard done by!! By any chance has he any SEN? In my experience kids with ADD tend to pull the poor me act a lot, is he very emotion over the silliest things and cry’s or try’s hold back tears when you barely said boo to him over something trivial? Does he feel sorry for himself a lot in daily life at home? I’m just asking as I’m trying to paint a picture in my head. As I said, I have personal experience and find from your explanation that your son has similarities to the kids I’m referring to. I promise you, going in all guns blazing shouting the odds could leave you red faced if you discover his “truth” is massively exaggerated. Speak to your son again, tell him you need to know the EXACT details of what’s being happening but drill into him the importance of truth and how lies can get other people in trouble which isn’t fair and he wouldn’t like if people told lies to get him into trouble, I ALWAYS remind my kids of that, it’s kind of like being a detective, you have to repeatedly ask the same questions and get the statement multiple times before the facts start dripping out and the stories a lot different from when it was first told 😂

I didn't know tattle had things to say about Mumsnet but I imagine they're not wrong. It's a fucking cesspit. Twitter by women.

If it’s really that bad then I would be moving my child to another school

Being in the middle is the worst place to be. The top of the class are rewarded, the bottom of the class are encouraged, but the middle? They're doing fine, but are neither exceptional nor a cause for concern. I would definitely keep fighting and bringing it up with the school. It's horrible to feel ignored.

I see where your son is coming from... I used to be top of the class academically, sporty etc, but never really got noticed for things because I was quiet and good and I guess the school didn't think I needed the encouragement.
I used to be peed off at the time, but I can honestly say 20 years on that it hasn't psychologically damaged me!
Don't you think your son would feel any award or anything would be cheapened if you had to demand that he be given something?
If the teacher is genuinely completely ignoring him then obviously you need to bring it up with school, but in general people respond far better to calm, measured conversation than they do to someone kicking off. I agree with the person that suggested framing it as "my son doesn't feel seen" as that should make them less defensive.
At my kid's school they each get "star of the week" at least once a year. "Jobs" are rotated at least termly, but again there will be some that miss out on the most popular jobs. And attendance awards are given to all over a certain attendance percentage.

Not read the whole thread and I’m sure someone may have said already but beavers/ cubs might help and is relatively low cost. Also bat shit at school unacceptable.

I think rewarding healthy children for being at school all the time is very discriminatory.

Maybe have a chat to your son about how nonsensical the 'award' is and if he understands why its so wrong, he won't want that particular 'award' anyway.

I thought you might get some flak for that but it did make me laugh.

It's exactly what my best friend says - she's from the Valleys and when she does go full on Welsh we all run and hide!

Not so much a thing in my part of Wales though

Are you sure about the 85% ?!?!?! That's waaay below persistent absenteeism which is 90% or so. 85% attendance is bordering on Safeguarding.

This really sounds like you are getting the information from your sons perspective only, you need to speak to the school. Going mad at them will only make you look silly, get the facts first.

Attendance below 90% is considered persistent and should result in intervention not awards!

@ThisMerryCat Im sad for you that yet again, a thread where you as the op has explained the situation very well but a bunch of people have apparently not bothered to read what you’ve said properly. So infuriating.
Presumably he is currently in an English stream class? If he would cope with being in a Welsh class and would like to, yes why not switch - the extra challenge may be good for him and full fluency can’t be a bad thing.
I’ve no advice re the rest though but I do understand how annoying and confusing it must be for both you and him. Is this a new problem this academic year? How was he last year? Hoping things get better. Maybe you could have your own weekly award/celebration for him at home on a Friday tea time? xx

I think you need to explain to him that this is normal.

When I was at school I was average at sport and fairly intelligent but never top of the class. As a result I never got any academic awards and was never picked for sports teams. Yeah it always sucked a bit when my name wasn't called, but that's life, they can't award people just to give them an award. I ended up getting a 1st class degree and working in sport, so life swings around.

As for attendance awards, I'd imagine most of the class has 85% plus attendance, so if that's the cut-off they'd need to give most kids the award to stop them feeling hard done by, which seems a bit daft. I'd have thought it gets given to the 1 or 2 kids with highest attendance.

I agree with this. Rewarding neurotypical children with good health and stable home lives for simply being neurotypical, healthy with stable home lives is unforgivable in my opinion. And yet it is championed in pretty much every school in the country.

I'm trying to teach my dc how valueless the whole thing is, but it's hard going with dc3 as she luuurves a certificate (it's a shiny one) - and the school have an assembly about it almost every week bigging up how exciting the treat will be at the end of term / year. Sigh.

I used to keep this poem taped to the inside of my cupboard door:

The Average Child

by Mike Buscemi

I don’t cause teachers trouble;
My grades have been okay.
I listen in my classes.
I’m in school every day.

My teachers think I’m average;
My parents think so too.
I wish I didn’t know that, though;
There’s lots I’d like to do.

I’d like to build a rocket;
I read a book on how.
Or start a stamp collection…
But no use trying now.

’Cause, since I found I’m average,
I’m smart enough you see
To know there’s nothing special
I should expect of me.

I’m part of that majority,
That hump part of the bell,
Who spends his life unnoticed
In an average kind of hell.

While everyone wants their child to do well at school, to be given roles in plays or assemblies, places in school teams etc, not all children can. But what your son can do is join in the after-school sports practices from which teams are chosen, then he will be able to develop his skills so he may be able to improve sufficiently to gain a team place. As for a teacher deliberately ignoring a child in their class, I find that your son may be embellishing the truth. You need to have a further discussion with the class teacher and head of year. You need to express your concerns and listen to their feedback.

I think this is all very normal tbh.

how may kids in a class?

I was always standard - don’t really get awards, wasn’t amazingly academic and definitely not sporty.

I have to say I hate attendance awards. My kids school used to do them for 100% attendance which is ridiculous and surely just luck they’ve not been unwell. It also discriminates.

are you getting annoyed about it in front of him or talking about it and asking questions??

most kids probably wouldn’t care.

the staring at him thing - I think you need to understand this from the teacher? It sounds strange and I wonder if he’s misinterpreting something.

if i were you I’d celebrate his skills at home - do some certificates and a points chart for reading/homework/spellings or something - then give him a little treat or pocket money.

he’s going to be in secondary school soon where awards are few and far between and they’ll be 100s of kids to compete against. So I think he needs to learn this now.

try to positive and not make a thing of it. But do speak to the teacher if it’s worrying you because it’s likely rubbing off on him.

Delighted to read your DD is getting the recognition she deserves at secondary school 😊

I feel very sorry for your son OP. It can be very disheartening when you are never picked for anything. The teacher not answering his questions is more concerning, i would be keen to address that, perhaps a meeting with the Head. I did this a lot of years ago as the teacher was actually bullying and belitting my daughter, as well as a couple of kids in the class. I made it clear i was not prepared to accept the Head brushing it under the carpet. I am not one to go into school or complain but that was unacceptable. My son was on his own a lot at school yet was such a nice wee soul he just found it hard fitting in. Maybe try arrange a meeting at the park with his friends and a football or something. Cinema day. Something outside school. Kids have to learn they can't win or be chosen for everything, but if he is being left out intentionally this needs addressed.