Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

Op it's clear you love your son to bits and care about his welfare. However to gain the best outcome for him, you need to keep a cool head with school and at home. Book an appointment with his teacher, discuss how he is no longer happy and what you can all do to improve the situation. At home, I'd suggest acknowledging his feelings but helping him to keep it in perspective. It's also important to find ways to boost his self esteem that don't come from school

If he’s had a few days off at this stage in the year his attendance could easily have dropped to 90% or below but will improve over the course of the year.

Primary schools use rewards to promote behaviour change. If your child is well-behaved, middle of the road then he won’t get them in the early part of the year. My youngest got star of the week in the last week of term because it was eventually his turn. He’s very bright but it’s easy for him, well behaved, etc. so he hadn’t demonstrated the schools values through behaviour change

do they use any minor rewards? Class points, class dojo or similar.

it’s sensible to talk to the teacher about how he’s feeling about school and how school might support him but also my boys coped much better when I explained how school behaviour rewards work and that they were designed to support the kids for whom school was much harder for lots of reasons and therefore they were making much more effort to achieve what they achieved

our primary has also introduced sections in assemblies and school newsletters to praise external activities - particularly community focused ones. So kids who went litter picking, or raised money for charity get a mention as those who win medals in their sports or achieve music grades

That the school cut off for certifcates not OP son attendance level.

Though it's usually been 95% cut off at most of DC schools.

DD2 had 100% attendance at school one year but didn't get a certficate when much lower attendance was awarded difference was she was older at secondary and already knew attendance awards were bullshit.

I think it was a concrete example of her son being left out - rather than the more common well we think it happening but could be explained away - that I think probably upsetting her and her DS.

The main problem demotivation - I've had that with DS in early primary when he really struggled - we worked with him at home - and he caught up and when he was overlooked later it had much less impact on him. He did at one point work out misbehaving and then behaving got him more rewards - he was very young but it annoyed his teacher - him working out the reward system she was implementing.

Outside groups can help - though with DS they sometimes were just as bad not being in the right crowd. Volteering post 16 made a massive impact on his confidence levels - he also just knuckels down and works and he did really well acadmcially.

I'd try and sort it with the school but also wider meassaging - the school may not see him others do and will in future.

I did think this as well, that the things you’ve focussed on aren’t the things that the school will want to celebrate necessarily- 85% attendance is quite low, and being in the top quarter could be seen as being in the main bulk of the class (if you think of that as everyone bar 10/15% at each end for example). So he could slip through the net in terms of overall achievement.

There must be things that yours on really does shine for, however, because there are those things for everyone. He might be great at music or art - or any individual subjects you could name - or be a great friend, or be good at getting down to work without fuss, or any number of things (I obviously don’t know him so these are random things).

The school can hopefully isolate one or two things where each child shines and remember to celebrate that in some way.

It can be achievement based though, for example, reward the most improved speller rather than the best speller. Everyone deserves recognition.

Try to take your emotions out of it ( hard I know!) for a second. Do you really truly think the teachers are conspiring against your son? Why would they do that, what would be in it for them?

It’s far more likely that the examples you give are a series of separate scenarios that you are connecting erroneously obviously because you fear your son is being left out.

I feel you. I feel like my 2 kids get left out. Loads of parents get phone calls and post cards home saying how good they are. Mine are always good and do the work. My daughter has no negative points she’s in year 10. She does get reward points but that’s for homework completed. I feel if your child is always good they get over looked because that’s what expected of them. If they are always well behaved how can they be more well behaved. I wouldn’t go the school over it, I just deal with it at home. You cant make anyone give your kid an award unfortunately.

This may sound horrible but…that’s life. we don’t get awards or praise for going to work. We go for job interviews and don’t get them…that’s life.

Your son sounds like a lovely, well behaved boy and I’m sure he has many endearing qualities.

I would continue to manage his expectations and give big praise for big achievements. Maybe mention to the school again how he is feeling. But don’t go ‘full Welsh’ It’s hard seeing your kids so hurt and upset over something your can’t control 😥

A lot to unpack here.

Attendance - don’t put too much weight on attendance awards. This is done simply to encourage attendance so the school meets government targets. It’s a crap way to encourage children to attend school as there may be all kinds of reasons why individuals are not meeting the targets. It’s actually quite outdated to award attendance. Perhaps suggest the school needs to review this.

As for your son being overlooked, you need to investigate with the school. Chances are, what your son is telling you isn’t the whole truth. Children will exaggerate BUT you should still take it up with the class teacher. If not a satisfactory response, go to the next point on their communication tree. Go right the way to the top if you need to. There’s no need to go full Welsh at this stage but it’s important that you’re his voice when he can’t speak. You can have a respectful conversation with the school - often you’ll achieve more with them this way.

As for sports, sadly not all can be included and teams are entered to win so the most able children are picked. Usually these are the same people every time. It doesn’t make it OK and I certainly don’t condone the approach but sadly, it’s how it is.

Primarily school was like this for both of my dds. Kids who are academically able and well behaved are never recognised or rewarded in a lot of schools it seems. DD1 sussed Star of the week in year 1 when she told me you have to do something naughty and then be good again to get it! I'm still bitter to be honest because my DC spent years believing they weren't good enough.

This may sound horrible but…that’s life. we don’t get awards or praise for going to work. We go for job interviews and don’t get them…that’s life.

The pay check/salary is the reward for going to work.

Plus as an adult I've had jobs I've hated and while it took time I worked on getting out of there - kids don't have the same agency - they are stuck and time feels different to them months and weeks feeling much longer to them.

Yes we all have disappointmets in life - and find oursleves in situations that sometimes erode our well being - and yes that can be 10 at school it happens but I don't think OP should just accept it. She may not be able to change school situation especially if DS in Y6 but actually letting DS know it's not okay and be powerful message to them as well - so I think she should politely go in and try and change the situation.

Get a meeting with the teacher.

You can trust your child, and trust you know your child beat.
I have experienced similar and often it was around what can be the result or positive discrimination where one child has overly preferential treatment due to one challenge they have suffered and there is an over compensation, leaving other kids out.
One example I have seen, teacher was very aware of a separation between the mother and father of child and child struggled. So lots of encouragement, could be the main part, went first at things, got picked etc. other children not rewardwd for everything and some.
It does happen. Not all kids are 'resilient' nor should they have to be for teachers. Teachers can be bullies and it's not good enough.
If you can move him do, however it seems the school system suits some well and others not so much.
I so sorry you are both going through this.

You absolutely are not being unreasonable! And I’m dumbfounded that the majority have voted that you are?!?!

Your kid seems a normal kid who is not in the top 2-5% to get academic awards, not sporty to get to the teams and probably quiet so he gets overlooked. It is very typical, problably 60% of the class is like that. Teachers have not much time and they focus on trouble kids or reward the top people. Is it fair? No. It is life and happens frequently? Yes. Best teachers have systems to praise and involve everyone, majority of them unfortunately don’t. Now kids don’t mind and they are ok with it. Others like yours feel invisible and they suffer. He is probably very sensitive, which is a good quality but it is hard. some parents gets very vocal, as you say go Welsh, keep on pestering teachers, they get involved in the PTA etc till their kids are seen a little bit. It’s a strategy if you have time and are this kind of person. It might backfire as some teachers just make then a point to ignore the kid even more. Other parents work in the kid resilience. Showing them how to focus on what they are doing well, maybe get them to scout see if this is an environment that helps him to make friends and feel useful. It takes a bit to find.
my daughter was one of these invisible kids. She did not mind much but around y4 and 5 it became hard and her self esteem went v low. I spoke to the school. I even paid a counsellor 6 sessions to support her. It helped a lot. The school did also help in the end, now in y6 she is not head girl or one of the lead roles, she is not in the sport teams, she still has small parts in the school play, but they made up a Kindness Ambassador role and gave it to her, she now make sure people are rewarded when she sees any kind act happening in the playground. She is happy about it. So I think I did well in raising it and happy they did something, but also I am happy I paid a counsellor (I know they are expensive!!!) and worked on her self esteem to teach her not always we need external rewards to feel good

The exact opposite.
You tell your son the truth - that he is a lovely person and you love him to bits, that he is kind / funny / friendly / helpful / generous / good at talking / good with animals / good at building things / never gives up / always tries new things / or whatever other genuine positive qualities he has.

You tell him that you are sorry he hasn't got a prize or been picked for a team, but it is just that there are some children who are cleverer or more sporty than him, it is not about how great he is as a person, just that he doesn't have those particular talents.
You tell him that the teacher has 30 children in the class so he will very rarely be asked to speak when he has a hand up - only about one time out of 30.

You build up his confidence internally, so that he believes he is a good person, instead of encouraging him to rely on external validation from the teacher or school.

It also wouldn't hurt to enrol him in some clubs or activities out of school.

And go meet with the school as others have said, to politely ask if there is anything they can do to help him enjoy school more.

My daughter had a similar experience in the last two years of primary school where she had the same teacher. We found it was always the same kids picked for activities which was very frustrating. Things improved in secondary school. I hope it does for your son.

My DC was top of the class academically all through primary and never got a certificate. They're designed to encourage children who aren't doing so well.
Help your child to stop caring about things like that so much. Help him to gain self-confidence and to focus on achieving things that he cares about - which shouldn't be about being recognised at school. I'd focus on extra-curricular things that he really enjoys and has some talent for. There are some activities which cost nothing or very little. Find out what's available. For instance, you may have a local brass band which provides instruments and lessons free of charge. Or a local sports club which charges very little. Or a park run he can take part in every week. The army cadets and so on don't charge much. Challenge him to read a book and then write a book report for you or give you a presentation on the book. That kind of thing. And I'd have a quiet chat with the teacher to see what you can both do to encourage self-confidence. It sounds as though he's the quiet type who can go unnoticed.

If they're the sort of teacher who ignores a little boy in their class then good!

This is not a Welsh saying.

So much of this doesn't add up e.g. the 85% attendance reward. Nope - this is well below attendance any school would reward. No teacher would say to a parent that their child is in the top 25% of the class - certainly not in a UK school anyway. A teacher just staring at a child instead of answering questions - if this was the case then serious intervention would now be in place for that teacher so highly unlikely. Don't necessarily believe everything your child says. Fine to talk to the teacher about your concerns or write in about them but completely unreasonable to be furious when some/all of it might be untrue.

If he was over the cut off for an award he should have got one end of story.

But the other stuff is just life OP! He’d need to be better than the top 25% for an academic award. He’d need to be the best at a sport to get on a team.

Sorry but you’re expecting too much.

You seem to have very low opinions of people in general. Perhaps this is impacting on you seeing the bigger picture which is that a lot of it might be exaggerated or untrue. I'm not saying your son is lying but kids make mistakes and exaggerated e.g. the teacher was unwell one day and zoned out and seemed to be staring/not answering questions suddenly becomes he never listens to me and just stares etc

The problem if all parents felt like this nobody would ever get any attention at all, they can't do it for everyone. As much as people want to put their child on a pedestal there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing well in an average way. I would build self confidence, he does not need to be picked for ALL things, and will obviously believe everyone is ignoring him or looking past him if he has low self esteem.

@ThisMerryCat I'm a retired secondary school teacher. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Speaking honestly, at the beginning of my career, when I thought I knew it all, I would have dismissed you as a pain in the arse. Now, after decades in the classroom, I think you're doing an admirable thing in sticking up for your son. Maybe try to be diplomatic, forge some good relationships with other staff members, look ahead to secondary school - but fight his corner. If you'd been a parent of a child in my class in the last decade or dozen years of my career, I'd have listened to your concerns carefully, taken them on board, and done something about them.