To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

Most families we know who use babysitters are paying to use one, a lot of them are from overseas and don't have any family in this country at all. So I don't think you can assume all these people have grandparents to help, it's just certain areas where that is true (we're in London with lots of international families, on high incomes).

DH's family are also overseas and my family live in the UK but they don't help, and generally we don't use babysitters but that is our choice. We are private people and don't like the idea of strangers being in our home while we're not there (we don't have a cleaner either). But we've just accepted we'll manage the dcs between us, DH will wfh if I need to go somewhere but once the youngest was in preschool I just arranged it when they were both in school. We will probably use an older cousin as a babysitter when the dcs are older and more independent, they would be fine keeping an eye on older dcs but not with helping with nappies/toilet.

I wouldn't be keen on the babysitting swaps idea as childcare is not a career I'd ever want to go into and I certainly wouldn't be willing to do it unpaid! I would rather pay someone than have to owe favours.

So you didn't have a child-free evening out for about 15 years? Astonishing. You must have so longed for one surely?

Did you trust a 15 year old with your toddlers?

my closest family are in a different country. And yes, i either missed out or i found a babysitter.

My DC’s grandparents lived 250 miles away. No one I knew used grandparents for babysitting. So yes, you use an agency, or advertise locally for a teen or someone, or set up a babysitting group. Easy. Are you part of any community groups? A church or a playgroup?

I don't have children.

Shouldnt you ask a woman if she has children, instead of assuming?

Agree it can be difficult - especially getting over the initial hurdle of doing it the first time (particularly if using a "stranger"). We used Sitters.co.uk, but not until ds was about 5, partly hesitancy, partly cost, partly he was not a good sleeper, partly disorganisation 😆

Of course once you've found a person/service it 'can' be easy, but it isn't always that easy to find someone...eg: maybe the people you would trust are the ones you want to go out for the night with :)

You don’t see why it’s a problem to leave babies or toddlers with strangers? With no other adults around?

It is that easy. If you want to go out you put the effort into finding a suitable babysitter either through an agency or word of mouth. My family never babysat so as soon as my babies reliable slept from 7-11 we used a paid sitter as did pretty much everyone we knew

As you have an opinion on what I’m doing wrong, I don’t think it was unreasonable to assume.

I did. She's nearly 18 now and our most reliable, trusted babysitter and means a great deal to all of us. She's a lovely, responsible young lady and was/is perfectly capable of keeping them safe for a few hours.
I was also a babysitter as a teen, from little babies upwards.
It's also fine if that's not a choice you would make. Older babysitters are available.

Wow you are angry and defensive.

I didn't actually write the words "you are wrong".

You decided to take it that way.

I agree, OP. Never said by anyone who genuinely has no meaningful help around.

I think it’s definitely possible to get a babysitter if you look around in the right places so you might not have direct friends who are willing to babysit but they might have a sister or a cousin or a teenage niece etc who would be happy to babysit.

I think it also entirely depends on what you want the babysitter for. It’s not just going to be someone that you just pluck off the street and get them to mind your dc for the day, you build up a relationship with them. I would start off by getting the person to come in just as a friend for an hour to have a cup of tea, interact with the children keep it short and sweet, maybe do that another time, maybe bump into them at the park etc. So you build up the relationship and so do your children,that way you get to see them interacting with your children. And they get to know each other.

Then you get them to pop in someday when you just need to pop to the shops for an hour. Make sure there’s a game set up and there’s some food already made so that they can play with them and give them a meal etc. That that means you can build on that if you need them for a time that is during the day.

You could do the same thing if you need them to just babysit at night was to work for dinner and the dc are asleep etc. That way if the children wake up, they will know the babysitter and they won’t be freaked out.

It’s not an instant thing, but it’s something that can be built on and if you have someone that you can trust and someone who get someone with the kids, then yeah, you can just “call your babysitter” I was that babysitter for many years for a good few families. It worked really well.

You cant live your life thinking everyones a paedo, babysitting agencies are generally staffed by non paedo females

It’s not just getting a babysitter though, not that that’s easy with a few days notice either. It’s the work that goes into it.

It’s the admin of literally getting one, the checks, the interviewing, the planning. Then it’s the tidying the house so it’s not a shit show. It’s the prepping dinner so it’s all ready for a stranger to feed them. Teaching someone your routine and where everything is. Never mind actually having the spare money to pay someone £15 an hour or whatever. I would rather not go out to dinner with Dh than to do all that extra work and pay £60 for the privilege of doing it.

When you have older children it’s not quite so easy either. We did have a babysitter when ours were little. But now they’re 12 & 7. They aren’t just in bed in the evenings. Our babysitter used to sit and do her actual work admin in our lounge while they slept upstairs. But now they don’t go to bed until 9:30-10pm. It’s not the same sort of job. And while yes, they can shower and dress themselves, neither of them would be comfortable being left with a random to supervise them bathing and getting ready for bed.

The last person who said this to me was dd’s friend’s granny. This woman has her grandchildren probably 2-3 days a week. The mum has 50/50 care with their dad, so she only has them 3-4 days a week anyway. Then of her 3-4 days, the kids (eldest is 16) are with her parents 80% of that including overnights. She’s often off at some gig or rave getting high best I can tell from social media. 🙄

Yes, some people do have 2 sets of grandparents around to do all of the childcare. Some people do only see their children for a few hours a week. I like to actually see mine more than I like a night out clubbing. And I can’t be arsed with the effort. I’m much happier watching a film and going to bed.

Agree. We just don't go out. For us, that was the compromise we knew we were making when we had kids. When they are older then I'd be happy for one of our teenage neighbours to sit in the house while they sleep. But not to actually take care of them - it would be basically to get them out if there was a fire.

I looked after a toddler for years from 15. - 17. No disasters happened. I loved that toddler.
A teenager is able to ring an ambulance im the event of an emergency.

Some people are comfortable leaving their toddlers with teens. You are not. That's your choice and it is ok

I'm a grandparent (have a DBS) and would do overnight babysitting in someone else's home as long as there was somewhere for me to sleep.

I would however expect to be well paid for it. Which I suspect is part of the issue.

Free
Available
Trusted
Etc

Hens teeth.

In those days we set up a baby sitting club with families in the same position as we were. We all got to know each other probably at least a year before the babysitting circle started.

we also used to ask the youngest members of the nursery staff if they’d babysit. Youngest were more likely to be still at home with their parents and no children of their own.

so we did “just get a babysitter”. Not as often as we’d have liked but we did have solutions.

I used to love babysitting. My cousin also babysat from the age of 13.

I think that a lot of teenage girls are very responsible.

Very littke work goes into it if you use an online babysitting agency, just a couple of clicks

They weren't strangers. They were neighbours' teens, who came over for several (paid) afternoons while I was there to get familiar with our routines and then babysat for several years. Others were junior leaders from Guides/Scouts.

You hav to put in some effort to find a babysitter, you can't just grab some random off the street, but if you want to have time away from your children, it's worth it.

We used Sitters a lot at one stage.

Most of them were grannies. One really good one was a young teacher. Just not our kid's grannies/teacher!

Similar situation, OP. Mine are 3 and 7. Both ND, both very tricky at bedtime. I can’t imagine leaving them with a stranger for years, tbh. No help locally either and we’re in a remote Welsh town so not flush with options. My late dad was always disappointed we wouldn’t let him babysit - but he had dementia by that point so it was a complete no go.