To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

Why are none of your friends in a position to join a babysitting circle? Do none of them have kids? Or they all have childcare on tap?
Try Sitters or Childcare.co.uk.
If you just don't want to, that's fine. But you will be able to find people.

Yes I’m absolutely not ‘really precious’ about leaving DC with others - DD has been picked up by her friends mum and gone back to her friends house 1 day a week since starting reception, but this friend is due another baby any day now.

And that was so I could work

The children were about 3 when the babysitting circle started, all out of nappies, yes. It is hard having no support, I do get it. And it’s fine to not want to have people you don’t know babysit. Are there any recommendations from local mums or friends?

We have no family nearby so never had a babysitter. Our first time out together when we could leave DS home alone was when he was about 14yrs old.

Can’t say I was that bothered as we did stuff together in the daytime when DS was at school.

No one wanted ours overnight. The first night we had ‘free’ was when they were close in age and both went to scout camp. I think they were about 13.

You need to join, or start a babysitting circle OP

I agree OP. We have family that live quite far away and we are regularly invited to dinner parties with other parents or evenings out. Sometimes (unless my parents can come and stay) just one of us attends. People always say 'just get a babysitter'. I have three kids 9,5 and 3 but it's the 9 year old that's the hardest! He struggles to be left, gets really worried about it, likes us there at bedtime etc. The 3 year old will play up and be difficult. It makes going out so stressful it's not even worth it!
So far I've tried it with friends, I haven't even bothered with trying a paid teenage babysitter.

But see, there you go. You did find a babysitter! Do you return the favour?

I think you are right that there is work involved in finding a babysitter you trust in the first place and psyching yourself up for leaving your child with them to begin with.

Once you have a couple of established contacts it is loads easier.

We dont have help and our nursery stafg arent allowed. I asked local parents for recommendations (I'm on a couple of whatsapp groups) but i am also hoping to set up some babysitting swaps

No family living in the same country as us so we used two of the nursery staff every Friday as babysitters. This started from when DT’s were six months old.
As a back up we used the teenager daughter of a friend

Yes. We used 14 and 16 year old neighbours when our boys were 8 and 4. Before that, we set up a babysitting circle within our antenatal group.

And why my partner and I went out separately for years . Actually, he went out mostly and I stayed with the kids. Given we were already bankrupting ourselves with nursery adding on babysitting made going out prohibitively expensive but babysitters were available esepcially once the kids got a bit bigger.

Yes it is sad and we (parents of young children) would love to have “a village” like it used to be. But it’s not there - everyone is working? Most people don’t pick up their own kids from school let alone someone else’s because they have a full time job. Almost every household has two working parents so you can’t drop your kids round another mum’s house. Neighbours are all working, or they are retired but much older. I do know and help out several of my elderly neighbours but wouldn’t want to impose my crazy toddler on them. Also they’ve never offered? It’s not just my generation being protective of our kids (though I do think via the internet and media we are much more aware of the degree of abuse that goes on behind closed doors). Nobody ever offers to help? What are we supposed to do to get this “village”? We are engaged in the local community, go to church, live in a family-friendly area, plenty of “mum friends” and my kid is in school and well integrated. So we have plenty of play dates but that’s not the same as people helping with childcare. We have to pay for help, that’s the only way.

I do agree it’s sad and it makes parenting much less enjoyable, I’m just not sure that there’s an easy fix.

We never went out before 9, so the dc were well alseep. We made sure they met the babysitter in advance so they wouldn't be upset if they woke up, which they did occasionally. I actually have lots of family around me, but they didn't babysit, aside from emergencies, like when my dh was rushed to hospital. It does add hugely to the cost of a night out but we decided it was worth it. And the first few times we went out we were a bit apprehensive but we never had a problem.

The children were about 3 when the babysitting circle started, all out of nappies, yes. It is hard having no support, I do get it. And it’s fine to not want to have someone you don’t know watch your child. What about recommendations from people you know though?

OP I get what you are saying. I babyset toddlers I'd never met before when I was a uni student and never experienced an incident but I wouldn't have heenan comfortable living my kids at that age with someone I didn't know. Not because of fear they could be some kind of deviant predator but because I wouldn't have been relaxed in case they were distressed. Then again, there were no mobile at the time.

I just didn't go out or took them with me. I survived. Made it much more special doing so when they got older.

I know what you mean OP. It's just not as simple as 'just' finding a babysitter. We had no local family we could use, never met any parents we'd want to group up with, and frankly didn't want to pay that much money for the ensuing worry if the person wasn't a good fit. My children were all 'high needs' babies/toddlers and not what I felt the average babysitter would be used to or cope with.

At preschool a few of the staff might have babysat for us, but they were the very 'Supernanny' ones, who I was already uncomfortable with in the preschool environment, and certainly wouldn't want in my home doing bedtime. There were a few childminders I knew of who did babysitting, but I'd seen them with their mindees at toddler groups, and found them harsh and lacking in empathy.

We just waited until our children were much older to go out together in the evening. And even then it was a rarity. Otherwise we tag-teamed nights out. I think it was for the best.

If we'd found someone we'd trusted we'd have used them, but we didn't, so we did things differently.

Can you swap babysitting with friends? That's what we do, once a month we sit for each other, saves money and I trust them, they have the same age baby.

We always used babysitters as had no local family. From as soon as they started eating solid food and sleeping through the night.

I would ask around and get recommendations from friends or friends of friends. Many teenagers want to earn babysitting money.

Yes it’s not so much I’m worried about ‘abuse’ per se as just a teenager who isn’t used to toddlers and doesn’t actually realise the level of supervision they need - help walking down stairs, not to give grapes unless cut up, not to let them bolt out the front door if opening it, that kind of thing. 1 and 2 are nightmare ages for good gross motor skills but lack of danger awareness. At 5/6 I would be happy leaving them with a recommended person I think but 2 just seems too young.

You need to ask.

ask ask ask.

ask on neighborhood Facebook groups - anyone know teens who do babysitting? Can guarantee there will be some.

obviously not the potheads you know.

then you do a trial - go to the pub 5 mins away for 2 hours and see how it goes.

don’t assume your friends don’t want a babysitting circle - ask them!

I don't know anyone in real life that actually has this issue, but I imagine there are more people on MN who are isolated - hence coming to the internet for support.

We have friends, family and are close with our neighbours too, for 20 mins I wouldn't have any issue finding help.

You could also ask nursery if any of their staff do additional babysitting outside of nursery hours.

I was a babysitter for toddlers when I was 15. The parents trusted me

I get this said to me all the time as I’m a single parent and kids don’t see their father, I’d absolutely never leave my children with a sitter I found online (who I didn’t know personally) and don’t know anyone that does this.