To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

It adds so much cost to a night out! That’s what annoys me about ‘just get a a babysitter’. It’s £50 minimum for a short night out for me.

However, I used a few ‘stranger with DBS check’ services and they were very helpful. Lovely ladies who adored and often worked with children. It worked out well. These are likely to be local people who already work with kids and are well vetted.

Once I was trying to give an intense briefing to a lady when my daughter was very little and turns out she fostered from newborns. I never had so much confidence to just jump out of my house tbh. Had a great night.

And I booked a lady to come over when I was ill once. I slept and she played with and fed my baby. It was so helpful.

How old were your kids? What would you have done if they weren’t interested in doing this?

The cost is another factor - £10 an hour is reasonable, overnight that would be what, £100 at least? It’s a lot. On top of the actual trip.

I think the people who say it either 1. have someone they can easily ask to be a babysitter, or 2. don't have children.
We had a similar set up when my children were very young, there was simply no-one who we could ask to babysit (no nursery workers who 'do it on the side', no families with a 17 year old who can 'sit in', no-one), and some people found it a bit baffling, one friend even said "well I'm asking my neighbour to have Barney"....Barney was a Labrador!

She is 'lucky to know' many people. Whether she is 'lucky to trust' is another matter.
How is your life panning out: working on the basis that, unluckily, everybody you know is a paedophile-in-waiting?

We always used our neighbours teenage daughters from the time our children were small. We were lucky that they were good sleepers so we could put them to bed before we went out.

We got babysitters when my youngest was still in nappies, but he'd reliably sleep through so we'd wait until he was in bed to go out. And I am lucky because we live in the same area as my mum so used her friends kids to start. I'd never start with a virtual stranger. I also asked people to come mind the kids while I was at home so I'd get jobs done and get an idea of them. It's not easy, it's a big job but it's a necessary one because even with grandparents support you need a babysitter or two.

When have virtually no family help so yes we did ‘just get a babysitter’. We put the kids to bed at 7, went out for dinner and came home a few hours later and they had no idea we’d gone anywhere. No nappy changes or middle of the night comforting needed. One we found on urban sitter (the American version of bubble) who was a local student, interviewed her first, she was great and we had her for 2 years before she graduated and went to work for NASA! In the UK we also found a nice regular through Bubble for a while, have used a teen neighbour and also the gap year students from the kids school. Unless you’re on a really tight budget then of course it’s possible. You just lower your expectations a bit in terms of where you go and stick a few local pub trips initially.

Hopefully some local NASA employees will be willing to babysit my kids 😉

What I find sad is that nowadays lots of people don't have networks of friends who can pick up from school in an emergency, have the kids while you go to an appointment, babysit for an evening. This would include older neighbours etc who it takes time to get to know. Our next door neighbours ( retired) loved having the kids over in the summer, and occasionally babysat too.The decline of churches and communities is part of this. People are less connected and have to struggle on their own. I think people are so much more suspicious as well and reluctant to make connections. Would you really trust a stranger with a DBs more than neighbours or a friends teen you have built a relationship up with over time. I think people would enjoy child raising more if they were better connected.

Plenty of people do hire babysitters though, including for babies. You might have decided you don’t want to, but that doesn’t make the suggestion in itself invalid.

If you’re being asked to “just get a babysitter” to go on a night out you aren’t particularly fussed about, just say you’ve chosen not to use babysitters until DC are older. If you’ve been complaining to people that you never get any time without the DC, you can’t really blame them for saying “just get a babysitter.”

We used a variety of places.

we lived in a village and teens often did babysitting so it wasn’t a stranger it was Angus two doors up. He did it for years on and off and the kids still remember him.

we did go to church and get to know people in the village.

my NCT group also set up a babysitting group with curtain rings as tokens so you paid in tokens and when you ran out needed to sit for someone else.

we also used sitters.co.uk who were great. Once an old uni friend who’d just had a kid turned up and we got her lots after that.

We did from quite a young age. As others have said mix of recommendations, local childminders who had older children and some from an agency. Always DBS checked and we usually made sure the children were ready for bed before leaving so no nappy changes/undressing expected. We never went far but allowed us occasionally to be sociable. They’re only strangers the first time.
When they got a bit older we used our childminders son who we always considered our childminder by proxy and now local teenagers.
Not cheap but definitely sanity and marriage saving.

Mine are not good sleepers and that’s part of the problem. DS goes out like a light at 7.30, but usually wakes once in the night. DD takes ages to fall asleep and is rarely asleep before 8.30 but then sleeps through til 7. We could dash out at 9, but it just wouldn’t really be worth it. We would need somebody who would be capable of dealing with wakeups and changes and I just don’t want to use a virtual stranger for that.

We paid neighbours much older kids to babysit. Now that mine are teenagers they babysit other kids on our (different) street.
There is a street WhatsApp group where people ask about babysitting and get directed to the several teens on the road who do it.

Can you not get a recommendation from a friend, or do you have any neighbours with teens?

We have no family near and one kid still in nappies. We do want to get out for adult time so I asked a mum on our street if her older teenage daughter would be interested. I’ve known the family for a couple of years as neighbours. We met with the daughter and had her over to the house for a couple of trial sessions (paid) while we were present. Once she got to know the kids and their routine we starting paying her to come babysit, first just once the kids were already asleep but she does day time now too. I’ve shown her how to change a nappy. She’s doesn’t have dbs check, why would she, but she seems very competent. So that would be my advice, I also wouldn’t want to leave my kids with a stranger but everyone is a stranger until you get to know them, so gradually building up to trust was the way it worked for us. I felt it was a good investment as we will never have family help so got years of this ahead, and want to go out for nice dinners without kids!

My son's GF works in a private nursery. Some of their charges are small babies up to aged around 4/5. Onc night a week she babysits for one of the parents. I don't think she would do an overnight. It seems to work perfectly well for them. I'm sure if you asked around there'll be plenty of nursery staff who don't have their own children.
Another parent asked, but thought £5 an hour was a good hourly rate to pay someone to babysit on an evening and was shocked that someone qualified in childcare and DBS checked would expect £15+ per hour. I think if you're able and prepared to pay for a professional, you'll find someone who you can build trust with.

I think an overnight is unrealistic. Long night, yes. But an overnight isn’t possible until they are older and you get friends who will do sleepovers. It isn’t forever. It’s just that children need looking after!

I also often dreamt of a toddler hotel where you could send them for a night!! 😆 Toddler boarding please!!

You would have to take them on the trip and get a babysitter in situ for wherever you are.

No, next door has 2 teenage sons but they rag their mopeds around all night and stink of weed! We have 1 responsible teen relative but she’s moved away for uni.

Just go out at 9. It's not that late. Or let the babysitter put them to bed, sometimes toddlers are much more compliant for other people.

Having read your replies, Im not sure you are looking for a few hours to go out for dinner. Are you wanting over night? The few hours in relatively straightforward to find, as me and lots of others have mentioned - friends children, nursery staff, retired childminders etc. If you bath and get kids ready / put them in bed, then generally shouldn’t even be an issue with nappies (although to nursery staff that’s something they can do in a heartbeat!) But if you want over night, then you will need a nanny type role really, which is very different. I’ve never had a night away as I don’t have suitable childcare, but if I needed to for work for example, then I’d be looking for an agency and giving plenty of settling in sessions etc.

Long tradition of childminding circles and babysitters in my family, worked well.

I also did a lot of babysitting in high school and sometimes nappies were involved. Not a big deal.

What would you do in an emergency?

It’s more just the breezy ease people suggest it with when they have grandparent help themselves and wouldn’t dream of leaving their toddlers with somebody off the internet they had met once. I understand there are loads of workable answers but we’ve been a bit unlucky and there just doesn’t seem to be anyone at the nursery who babysits, nor do we have friends who are in a position to do a babysitting circle with.

No, I agree with you. I've only ever had family or nursery staff look after my daughter, and on a couple of occasions her friend's mum. I wouldn't have left her with a stranger. If there's a set up someone is comfortable with than that's great for them but it doesn't mean it works for everyone.

Edit: I just remembered someone at work once talking about a colleague who declined a night out because their baby wasn't settling at night and she had that breezy 'got to leave them at some point' attitude. Never mind the fact the woman was probably exhausted and a night out was the last thing she needed!

I've used babysitters almost every week since mine were about 3 months old. Usually the same girl although a couple of her friends have done it when she's been away. She lives a few streets away, we put out an ad and she answered it looking to make some pocket money. We invited her round to meet her before we started - and asked her to have them for a couple of hours one afternoon to get a feeling for it.

But my kids love her - they most often were asleep when she first came but now she's here in time to put the older one to bed sometimes and there's much excitement!