To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

We live very happily. We have never relied on others to care for our children, and as others have pointed out, the cost would add unnecessary and unaffordable amounts on to an evening out. I would find it concerning if people were willing to leave their children with someone they didn't know, just because they had a DBS certificate, which essentially means nothing.

Wow, so wrong!
My nearest relos are two hours -flight- away (1000miles), and the in-laws are literally half a world away
We got babysitters
Otherwise we would never have had time to ourselves
But the OP is not looking for a babysitter, they're looking for an overnight caregiver which is wildly different
OP needs to pay someone to do that, yet they seem to be stuck on finding someone for free

I know what you mean OP!

I don’t have relatives nearby (nor does exh, so “we” didn’t when together either). We used to manage to find babysitters occasionally through either friend of a friend, or through the nursery as you say, or the lactation consultant we saw did babysitting for people she got on with etc. And then later we used an after school CM who would do it occasionally.

But never went out regularly.

Asking around often comes up with recommendations I think, that’s how we found a great CM.

I know what you mean re strangers with just a DBS - I don’t think I’d have been comfortable with that!

Now I have dd17 who babysits regularly for other people- including classmates of ds11 so I need to get in ahead of time and also pay if I want her services (fair enough).

Some people don’t want to trust a teenager but if you find a sensible one they can be gold. Dd will only babysit children who are old enough to talk and communicate their needs though which is fair enough.

Edit - I missed the overnight bit!!

At one point we had au pairs and they could occasionally babysit overnight.

I pay the teenage girl next door.

Same here OP it infuriates me. Don’t know where ex husband is living nearest family 4 hours away and babysitting costs are unaffordable

people live in ivory towers

I agree OP I wouldn’t know where to start with finding a babysitter and do see it thrown about on here like a simple solution.

We moved back to the hometown we hate when I was pregnant just so we’d have family on hand to look after DC when needed. We’re very lucky to have quite a few family members available to book in for childcare when we want to go for a meal, to the theatre, a concert or a wedding whatever but also to come over short notice in an emergency. I am desperate to move to somewhere we would actually like but the issue of having to find trusted and paid babysitters every time we need someone to watch DC puts me off so much.

Re read all your messages and not sure why you need “overnight” - do you just mean into the late evening when your kids might wake up/ before your eldest is asleep?

I think it depends what you need the babysitter for.

From some of your posts I think you’re looking for overnight care so you can go on a trip somewhere?

That’s very different for asking someone to look after your child for a couple of hours while you go out locally.

I didn’t have any family nearby, but had various trusted sitters that came from recommendations from friends. But I didn’t leave my kids with non-family members overnight until they were much older

I don't know where you get the idea that everyone who suggests it has never done it.

I sometimes suggest it and we hire babysitters all the time. In 9 years, we have had maybe 40 mins of grandparent childcare when we have briefly left them with grandparents for an errand.

Just because you don't want to do it, doesn't make it impossible.

We first did it when our first was 6 months old. We hire experienced professionals - nursery workers when they were younger, now through an agency and they are usually TAs or teachers. Given that I would trust them with my kids in childcare/school, it seems reasonable to trust them to babysit.

If you don't feel comfortable/don't want to, that your call, but it's your choice.

YANBU because it's expensive af as well. So everything vaguely enjoyable you want to do without kids becomes twice as expensive. If you go out for a meal at a nice-ish restaurant (£80), then you have to pay a babysitter at least £60 for the evening. Spending £140 for what would have been a totally mediocre night out before kids just seems ridiculous on principal, even if you could afford it.

Not sure what sort of people regularly have the cash to "get a babysitter" because that adds up much faster than any other COL. In our local FB group there are batshit postings from people who need a babysitter for the same day and will literally take any stranger that answers their posting.

There are various agencies - it's not that difficult unless you live in the back of beyond - honestly!

It IS expensive.

You’re so right about babysitting circles. So many people just aren’t interested in going out, I think it’s a post Covid thing maybe - but even suggesting a pub night with some of my ‘mum friends’ has them looking at me like I’ve suggested taking heroin in a nightclub toilet. A lot of them are just home birds who don’t want to go anywhere or do anything.

I realise it sounds like I’m making excuses, I do have other friends who are great fun but they’re child free, live about an hour away and use drugs recreationally. They’ve offered to babysit in a ‘OMG WE WILL HAVE SO MUCH FUN’ way, which brings me out in a cold sweat - they wouldn’t even realise it’s normal for a 2 year old not to use a toilet independently or need food cut up etc

I was part of that when my children were very small - only problem came when it was an event that we were all connected to ( which is how we met) Then there were a couple of 6th formers in the road and slightly further afield names got passed around. . In turn, my daughters did very well babysitting when they were in the 6th form and parents felt reassured that I could be called on quickly if there were problems like a waking upset child etc. Never was.

Ok but by the time that’s all done and our oldest is asleep it’s about 8.30. 8pm if we’re lucky. We live in a large village with no bars and 1 seedy very quiet pub, so we would have to travel about 20 minutes to our nearest town. By the time we got there it would be nearly 9pm and too late even for a meal.

We did have grandparents but occasionally they couldn't help so, yes, we did use a 'complete stranger' sitter through a reliable company. Several of our friends did too.

I think we're too precious and worried nowadays.

We also used 'strangers' as sitters when we were abroad at a resort.

You need to get kids into a routine where you can shift it somewhat. We always had our kids in bed and upstairs before any sitter came around.

That being said, the 'professional' (DBS-checked) sitters are very happy to do the bedtime routine.

I just say no, we have no family to rely on and wouldnt if we did
We have not had a night out in 10 years apart from when our child has been with us
And thats fine, i did all my nights out around 30 years ago.. its just too much hassle and way to expensive to have a night out now

Honestly you're either friends with truly awful people or you're vastly overegging their incompetence. 2 year olds aren't little babies, most functioning adults could look after one for an evening.

If it hadn't have been for my parents I'd never have gone out. Same for my adult DC if it wasn't for me. The amount you'd need to pay to ensure someone reliable would make the cost of going out too much to justify.

I think I’d add that this is a short period of time when your kids as such an age where it’s hard to find someone you trust/ nappies need changing etc.

It seems like a big deal now but it doesn’t last long.

As you’re talking about nappies, night wakings and nursery I’m thinking yours are very tiny? Ie pre school. Once they’re at school you’ll probably have access to more of a network through that, and they’ll be easier to care for.

So if you’re a bit stuck now, it’s not for long!

We never used babysitters, either. Just didn’t go out much when the kids were small. We were lucky, though. Had friends who were willing to come over for lunch/dinner etc. fairly regularly.

No, I get it. We moved around the country a bit when ours were young, and it always took time to establish who was both trustworthy and willing. It worked out quite expensive too, which doesn't help with building a relationship with a sitter because you can't afford it more than a few times a year, if that.

I am with you OP. I have one child and no one to help out for things like dinners out with DH. I have not hired a babysitter and would not. I would ask one trusted friend who could help if I had a serious emergency but wouldn't hire anyone. I don't trust people with my child. I have familial experience of sexual abuse outside the home and whilst I am not a helicopter parent, unknown babysitters are not something I would be doing. I get you.

When the kids were little (yes in nappies) we used nursery workers and now theyre primary age we use local teens (neighbours of friends kids). They love it! When little we used to try and put them to bed before we left so hopefully they slept anyway but we knew the nursery worker would manage if not!
It's not cheap- £40+ before you've stepped out the door but it is what it is! We are very sociable and always have been so prioritise that!

I was a student when my oldest was little and we used an early years BEd student (enhanced DBS). They didn't do overnight though, but would stay very late. They drove (so no worries about getting home) and spent the time studying. I had one friend with a young daughter and we used to do overnights for each other, but that was about it. No family nearby