To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

Well no, that’s actually the complete opposite of what I’m saying.

You are a person in your own right and also a parent, you don’t somehow magically become someone different when the two of you leave your house without your children.

I have absolutely no issues whatsoever with parents doing what they want to do within obvious reason: if you have family available for childcare, want to use it, or have money for babysitters and want to use them, great.

What I’m objecting to is this idea that if you don’t for whatever reason, your relationship is doomed!

Ok. Just wondering what you can find to talk about ( ie places you've been together or things you've done ) if you don't actually do anything. Personally id think that would be extremely boring

We do plenty, just as a family. I don’t mean that in a smug sort of way - just that it really isn’t either / or.

Mine would have had a massive melt down if left with anyone, so we only ever once left them with someone (it was emergency) and they still mention that day now. It’s really difficult

We paid ofsted registered childminders to babysit. We didn’t know them and I didn’t love doing it. But I reasoned if I am dropping my child off at a childminder or nursery then it’s not so fundamentally different. We have very little family help (once a year-ish). So it was just essential, so I could do things like access medical care. As a SAHM at the time to two tiny kids sometimes you just can’t take them to something.

When my DC were little neighbours, or their teens,occassionally babysat or I swapped favours with another mum. Or sometimes a teacher/nanny doing babysitting for extra cash. Probably that was from age 4+ not tiny babies, and not overnight.

A work colleague the other day talked about having to get childcare at short notice - in reality she called her mum who lives 15 min away. Im not she realises that its more complicated (and expensive) for a lot of people

The kids that have massive meltdowns are usually the ones that have never been left. So it’s unusual for them. If they have a babysitter from a young age then they do get used to it.

Completely fine not to want to do this and accept the limits on your life because of this.

We wanted to be able to use babysitters as we had no family help. So they did get used to them. And we often had the same ones so they built up a relationship. Though often they were asleep when they were young and never met them.

OK if that's what floats your boat.

Have you no " couple" friends who you meet up with?

Mine are grown up now, but I was in the same position. My eldest DC was 4 years old when I had my first night out. I wouldn’t leave a dog with my family (I grew up in care). I didn’t have mum friends as I was a teen mum and the school mums were all much older than me. My eldest is severely autistic with extremely challenging behaviour. He’d wake with terrible night terrors and hurt himself. There’s no way I could have left him with a random local teenager.

Unfortunately some people just don’t have any ‘village’ at all, and can’t afford to pay professionals.

I had to get help for my sanity, no family in same country and not in nursery. We interviewed babysitters, had a lovely young lady (parents 2 streets away just in case I knew the mum) she’s a musician now, popular on west coast of USA!

They’re still too young to go anywhere independently. They go to school, they do after school clubs at the school in groups, play dates at their home and with friends (people I trust and have known over many years) and football (where I am present) at the weekends. They have a full active social life and are still too young to go anywhere on their own.
Just because I don’t use baby sitters or summer camps/clubs (which I consider higher risk) doesn’t mean they don’t have full and active lives.
The reason I consider babysitters higher risk is because it’s at home with nobody else present, even if they are female, they could invite a male over (even if you tell them not to - it happens)
Summer camps are often un regulated and do not have the same level of safeguarding that they do in a school setting - they are always with people I do not know and have never met.
People can gladly pick apart my logic but they’re my children and I decide where they go and who with.

No, not that I can think of; not sure what that’s got to do with babysitters!

I have no family close by and used paid babysitters, if we hadn't it would have meant myself and DH would have never been able to go out together by ourselves in the evenings for years and years.

Yes, our children were still in nappies at the time. Most times, they were fed, bathed and in bed asleep when the babysitter arrived and generally didn't wake again before we got home. As they got older, they would have been in bed before babysitter's arrival.

I only used paid babysitters during the day if I had to bring one child to an appointment or do something myself.

These babysitters were recommended from friends or would have been a friend's older teen. We would have them around a few times before leaving them in sole charge, so everyone could get used to one another.

We have very little family help (maybe once a year babysitting, although sometimes it's been 3 or 4 years in between), and 3 SEN children, including one with other additional health needs. We couldn't afford to pay babysitters as we live in an expensive area & I am a carer for our child with additional needs. It's hard when other family don't understand & think it's so simple to get a babysitter & we're just being difficult about not attending events, even though we'd love to! Our eldest is 16 now & occasionally babysits her siblings, but I don't want to ask her too often.

It has to do with babysitters as we use them so that we can go out with our friends- without the DC’s.

Do you go out separately without the DC?

Yes, sometimes, we aren’t all fused together

Good.

Yes but those people wouldn't be offering to babysit, would they?

We used an NCT babysitting circle and we used vouchers to pay each other so reciprocal arrangements. This only worked though if husband can stay to look after your children while you babysit someone else’s kids. No relatives close by.

Did you watch the news today about the ex teacher who laced sweets with drugs to give young boys. Who knows how many children he abused. It's rarely a stranger it's mostly the people you trust who takes advantage.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/twisted-oap-jon-ruben-admits-36249246

Are the middle aged, older female babysitters inviting over their boyfriends too?

Because you'd never get to see with without a babysitter lol.

I lived on the opposite side of the world from my family so had no one. So I did use a babysitter often and I used them from agencies. I felt I had no choice and I always had good experiences. It was that or never do anything. And yes. This was when they were babies too. Judging by the responses here maybe that was not very responsible of me but it felt ok to me at the time.