To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

We are very fortunate to have neighbours and friends we can trust, one of whom we regularly pay to look after our dc. Others help with regular daily needs such as doctor trips etc
I am with you OP, I wouldn't hire a stranger outside of a group setting like a nursery.

I imagine it’s almost impossible in these situations. I’m talking about the kind of parent who won’t let anybody look after their (non-disabled) child ever due to their own anxieties.

Surprised they are still together TBH

It sounds like I’m being contentious, but why? I see plenty of DH; we spend plenty of time together, we don’t need to be out of the house together without children for this.

What? Why are you even getting involved then? You clearly don’t even know what was said. I’m sick of rude people on mumsnet.

Lots of non child friendly activities DH want to do - restaurants, theatre, sports events, dinner at friends, evening in our local wine bar

Both of mine were at private nurseries (different ones). The names of staff who were available for babysitting were on the notice board together with the recommended hourly rate.

Both of our DC were babysat by their nursery key workers. It doesn’t get better than that, in my view. MIL couldn’t console them at all if they woke.

Doing those regularly as a couple plus the cost of a babysitter would be prohibitively expensive. It doesn’t mean our marriage is doomed!

Don't you want an adult relationship with your husband without kids constantly around or stuck in the house?

No going to dinner, theatre, dancing, playing sports together etc??

Where's the fun?

But never??

We can all see what was said! It's not private messaging. Goodness sake. Don't be so aggressive.

DH and I haven’t been out alone as a couple since DD was born, and she is two years and four months.

It’s fine, honestly.

Sorry I missed this.

We have plenty of fun. We laugh a lot, have a pleasant relationship. But we haven’t got limitless money.

If she's only 2, it's a little premature to declare that it hasn't/wont cause any issues.

This.

If the OP doesn't ever want to go out of the house at the same time as her partner, that's up to her.

The point here is that she, and several other posters keep trying to imply that people who do, or have used babysitters are leaving their dc with 'virtual strangers' or 'random people' like we are putting an advert on the internet (or even local shop window) and then inviting complete strangers in to look after our dc.

You can pay babysitters that you know, and know very well.
It is a perfectly normal, and reasonable thing to do, and something people have been doing forever.
That doesn't mean the OP, or any other anxious people on this thread have to if they don't want to, but it is still there as an option should they choose to use it.

True but we also have a nearly five year old (in a month … where did that go!) and he was born in the midst of lockdown!

We had ds with us on our wedding night; no one else offered. We did manage to get out twice before DD was born. Once for our wedding anniversary and once for a meal out. I genuinely don’t think our relationship would be on the rocks had we not gone out for tapas in June 2023. I actually think that’s quite an immature way of looking at things, to be really honest. There’s this assumption that you can somehow only be your real selves as a couple away from the children and I don’t think that’s true at all; we are parents, that is our real self! Of course, if we had available childcare I’m sure we’d make use of it but we don’t.

There are agencies who do lots of checking. We had one who worked at a nursery in the day and wanted to save up extra money. She was lovely.

It was something important to us that we continued with our Friday nights out. More often than not it was only to the wine bar a couple of streets away. It was something I looked forward to whilst on maternity leave and when I was back at work.

We are parents but also a couple and individuals. As well as time with DH, I also enjoyed child free time with friends.

So as soon as you become parents you are not longer people in your own right?

And what about single parents. Are they never to have a social life away from kids?

What if you meet someone else? You can hardly take kids on datws

Local nurseries do not allow staff to babysit for families at the nursery. Similar to TAs at school.
Teens are only around for 2 years (16-18), nannies generally work until 6.
Not that easy to get a babysitter

I don't think anyone has said they aren't their "real selves" around their children.

Nor do I think it is immature to feel that time with just your spouse, doing grown up things is important.

We emigrated just before Covid then had a baby, so we've done the 3 year slog with no childcare. Did our marriage break down? No. But it's much more fun with an occasional babysitter. And I honestly think it's good for the kids to know they're not always the centre of the universe, and they've benefited from the larger village we have built around them.

Some nurseries do - DT’s key workers were our babysitters for years. From them starting nursery at six months until they were old enough not to need a babysitter.

I agree, I can't even find a carer to do some direct payments care so have zero chance of finding a babysitter. There is no way I could leave my child with someone who couldn't use suction to keep the airway clear or manage epilepsy or who didn't know their way around a feed pump.

We used a company that vetted all sitters. To be honest we had some really lovely ladies. Often they were teachers or nurses. You could request the same ones so they got to know the kids. All fine.

Each to their own but I do think babysitters are relatively easy to find. If you don’t want to go out or leave your child then fine. Mine were asleep anyway and never woke up. We were lucky. But then they also when they’re older get used to babysitters.

So ultimately less clingy.. I have friends with a 10 year old that refuses to have a babysitter so they never go out together….