To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

I think the presumption that agency babysitters, nursery workers, the teenage children of friends, parents in your social circles, etc are too big a risk to inflict on DC is what’s mad.

I had to use an agency babysitter when DS was 5 weeks old- I had no choice! DH was away, we had moved abroad and our only friends were from the local nct type group who we 1) didn’t know that well 2) all had their own newborns to wrangle. Yeah in hindsight they could have sent their DH but no one offered when I cried about it at a meet up.

That agency babysitter was a retired headteacher who was brilliant and our regular babysitter until we moved. We then used nursery staff and currently use a local nanny who advertised on Facebook as babysitting for weekends and evenings.

It’s not for everyone but I didn’t have grandparents or anyone to help. It was expensive too.

I recently babysat dgd aged 18 months whilst dd1 and her dh went out for a special meal. She had a poo explosion, actually decided it was easier to put her in the bath in the end. There is no way I could not have changed her nappy!

DS has never been left with a non-relative babysitter. Couldn't afford them, didn't know any other school parents well enough to ask, and DS would never have stayed at another child's house without me there anyway.

I say "get a babysitter" all the time. We don't have family help, we get babysitters.

We've left our children with babysitters since they were 5-6 months old. Plenty of nursery workers are looking for extra income (usually the younger ones who don't yet have families), some childminders as well. It's very easy to check their references when they work locally.

At that age we definitely wouldn't let them with the neighbours' teens though!

What process would you normally use to take someone from being a stranger to a trusted person in your life? It's the foundation of your relationship with all people outside of the family you grew up with after all. It's a key skill for you and your DC.

Great post

@Pinkandpurple225533 I could not agree more . Also the people (im assuming maybe who are slightly older ) commenting on how “overprotective “ parents are these days. One of the reasons parents who
were brought up 80’s/ 90’s and 00’s are overprotective is probably due to loads of bad situations they may have been in themselves due to lax / benign neglect parenting.
I know of 3 people sexually assaulted when younger due to lax parenting and being around strangers when younger , people were very trusting and it’s absolutely awful to be paranoid but it’s better to be safer when children are younger and more vulnerable . A pp scoffed about parents being paranoid about paedos , well actually in homes where there can be anyone and vulnerable children of course this can happen! It’s great that parents are more aware and protective of their small children now . I have teens and preteen and they are extremely independent and resilient and I wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving them with a babysitter from a website on in a house where you don’t know who’s in and out and you don’t actually if it’s a friends place or part of a “babysitting circle “ which honestly id say was a thing years ago.
Honestly a lot of posters here are so out of touch or very privileged with help . It’s literally hundreds also for a night away , that’s the reality !

I’m in the same situation OP. All family members have some reason or other not to help. We never even had someone come over for 30 minutes to hold DC while I had a coffee or tea and just ask how we are let alone imagine someone offering to watch DC for two hours on weekend afternoon so DH and I could have a pub lunch or go to the movies. In my wildest dreams! So a babysitter it will have to be when DC is older.

Do you think nappies are difficult to change 🤔

Of course this is beyond reprehensible, but what were the circumstances?

You or at least I would not construct a sitting circle from randoms, or leave DC with someone without vetting the person and then observing first.

Many of these abuser are mum’s casual new boyfriend, family friends and relatives. It is in no way irresponsible to use good child care.
If you would rather not leave your DC that’s fine (as long as the fates smile kindlyvin your family - which no one can count on, so I do think not having emergency plans is irresponsible) but it’s for you.

People have their own risk assessments. I personally don’t agree with all the above; mine went to / go to nursery, we did have a babysitter for ds (haven’t risked for dd yet as her sleep isn’t great) but parents of friends? It depends, doesn’t it? Obviously I’m not going to go through life nervously avoiding them and assuming they are predators but there’s a huge grey space between that assumption and assuming that because I know them they can’t possibly do anything untoward.

There is a middle ground here, as with most things, and people being cautious, especially where pre verbal children are concerned, is common sense.

But this idea that in Dhs dying moments I could ring up and ask for a babysitter now please, is madness, and that I stand by!

I don't really understand the idea that random people you meet at parents groups or neighbours are somehow better than a babysitter whose references you have checked and who you have got to know?

All of our babysitters have been nursery workers or TAs or teachers and we have checked their references. It's obviously not a guarantee but the risk is very low.

@poetryandwine the thing is I’ve known at least five people who I would have said were above board, respectable members of society, overall good people, who were convicted of sexual crimes against children.

It is unfortunately incredibly common and it really isn’t paranoid or overly hostile to have ‘it could happen here’ (most schools have this as a bit of a mantra) in the back of your mind.

I don’t assume everyone I know is a potential predator. I believe most people are decent, and would help a child rather than hurt them. But the problem is you simply cannot know that for sure. It’s just a matter of applying a bit of caution and care, rather than drawing up the gates and being completely isolated. As much as I’d love to say oh yes … of course it’s only the mums who have boyfriends in and out it just isn’t. Child abuse is one of those things that transcends social class, education and position in society. Huw Edwards should be a cautionary reminder of that fact.

Of course to Huw Edwards etc. But his situation involved much older minors.

These other pillars of society, again - of course. But you’ve not suggested any connections to ordinarily prudent child care.

I am fine with sitters. Some here may feel differently and some may need to consider the economic aspect also

DH final moments was slightly tongue in cheek. But a significant hospitalisation is less so. And it really can happen to anyone. DC need to be comfortable with the arrangements put in place at the drop of a hat.

If you have a surefire way of avoiding road accidents, household accidents, cancer, pneumonia, heart attack, choking, etc we await its sharing eagerly.

Of course I don’t, but I’m not going to be inviting people to care for my children in case of that eventuality. That isn’t just a safety concern, it’s a practical and financial one, but the more people I invite to care for my children, the more risk I am introducing.

What will you do?

They won’t be allowed to visit in many scenarios

My youngest has multiple issues and has always been challenging to parent. I tried various babysitters, and they always called me home within an hour or so. I just gave up having a social life.

You know DH dying prematurely in hospital isn’t a foregone conclusion, don’t you?

But generally what you can ask / expect from your good friends in an emergency is different to day to day life.

Don’t understand this “stranger” point. Surely the nursery staff were also “strangers” to your child before getting to know them? Just hire them for a very short period once or twice so you can get comfortable.

But then how do you trust anyone? In a babysitting circle, you know the other mums and can tell which ones would be best suited to your children. There was one mum I never asked to sit for my DC because I didn't like how she parented her own children. You can pick people who your children know and like - their friends' mums. I also sometimes asked a school TA who lived near us, and when they were much older, a teenage son of a close friend, who was a really lovely boy, who they adored having as a sitter as they would play footie together then watch films. To get on in life we have to trust the majority of people we come into contact with. We should be cautious, of course, but to never go out because you don't trust anyone else with your child is not necessarily the best solution.

If you think I implied a foregone conclusion, please show us where.

Are DC used to staying with your friends or having the friends stay with them? My point s that a time of genuine stress is not the time to introduce a new child care system. DC who are used to coping with care from others are much better equipped for this type of emergency.