To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

We differ in our interpretations of that phrase in the context of the entire back and forth between us.

I would be willing to stand with you on a street corner anywhere. If we could persuade a load of passerby to review our full exchange, I would happily give you £1 for each person who agreed I was predicting or asserting something about your DH if you would agree to give me 50p for each person who agreed that I meant ‘What will you do if there is an emergency?’

Honestly when they were small they went to preschool from 3 but it was in a primary school and several teachers around so that was fine. No I didn’t have them minded/left in a childminders house when they were very small or in friends houses before they were very verbal and a lot older tbh .
I honestly have never come across babysitting circles , I live in a country were not having family support is really , really unusual . My family seem completely normal but will never ever help , under any circumstances, I have absolutely no idea why, I actually helped family quite a lot pre-kids but they are allergic to any responsibility for kids.
That’s their choice , in 15 years no one has ever offered and the extremely odd occasion I asked I was met with excuses and complete avoidance.
Every family is different and what you are comfortable with others might not be .
Once my kids were older we did leave them with our neighbour who is also a teacher so we did eventually learn to trust (not when they were small though) and that night away cost us around €600. I had to pay my neighbour €250 euros for the night. I have loads of friends but they all have family help , I don’t know anyone with family like mine. It would be a big ask to have them nine three extra kids . Most of them have 2/3 kids themselves so even car wise the can’t do it and anyway it’s really not a thing here . Such is life , on one hand it’s made my husband and I very resilient (zero financial , emotional, practical help from any family ) but in another it’s been tough and isolating (despite having lovely friends) and unfortunately it doesn’t make me want to help either now my dcs are getting older and more independent , we’ll enjoy our life!!.
My mil is alone and getting frail , unfortunately she caused issues and work when my dcs were very small , actual extra work when I’d 3 under 6!!!
It’s sad actually as it just creates a cycle of family not helping each other. As is said on Mumsnet over and over no one is obliged to help you. It’s a totally different world though when you have zero support. I’ll never forget having to drag myself around looking after 3 dcs under 6 (dh is fantastic but had to work) and no one helped or came. Again no one is obliged. Also in my country there are no babysitting websites at all, it’s highly unusual not to have support here from family 🤷‍♀️

*drag myself around when ill

That is extremely rude and abusive.

That's true. I tried to get my 19 year old daughter to sign up to a babysitter website when she was jobless. She has looked after her younger brother so she's capable of looking after children. She wouldn't look after babies.

My 17 year old daughter would. We have a long running joke that she is her brother's second mother. They fight like cat and dog now. She is still good with him and takes him out, and he does listen to her. She wants to be a children's nurse later.

@weisatted my last post above was a response for you. I forgot to add you.

Does your children go to school or do you homeschool?
You have to loosen the reins a little or your kids will run when they sniff freedom. Then there is a higher chance of them getting into trouble. They will bang the table and ask you why you didn't. I tried to give my children as many experiences as possible and they still bang the table and tell me what I didn't do.

@poetryandwine it really isn’t important. We aren’t standing trial at the Old Bailey

You seem to think that having regular childcare available is a good idea in case of future emergencies. I don’t disagree with you there. Where we do disagree is that it’s essential and practical.

I can’t afford to regularly hire a babysitter. I only work two days a week for childcare reasons and on those days my DD is in nursery. Like a lot of people with preschool children, I don’t have a lot of spare money.

I also don’t think hiring regular sitters is a solution to one off emergencies as sitters tend to be prearranged and I’m confident friends would help out in a genuine emergency. But there is a difference between an emergency situation and regular arrangements.

Nearest family are an hour away, and DH was abused as a child which caused countless trauma so we understandably don't hire strangers. Yanbu.

I do think sometimes people don't really understand if they haven't been there. Once I was home alone with one of my children and one of them had severe anaphylaxis and had to get an ambulance. The ambulance crew were asking if I could call someone to come before we went to resus....madness

When dc was younger and we lived far from family we did have regular babysitter. It was a worker at her nursery. She was aged 18 when she started and babysat for us at least monthly for 6 years. My friends were also in the same position (no family) and we babysat for each other.

Abusers aren't always strangers

No, and his wasn't - but you can't reason with trauma 🤷

MyDS wa a baby /toddler in nappies when he had babysitters.used a company called sitters , never had any issues

Don’t post nasty comments if you can’t take it back. Mumsnet is turning into a very unpleasant place because of people like you.

It wasn't a nasty comment at all. You could have explained your position without being so rude.

We have no family nearby to help so we use babysitters. We have them round for a chat first and a quick play with the children. If it's a teenager i'll often get them around whilst im working from home, or in and out of the house to see how they get on before having them do bedtime/eveings. It lets you suss them out and the children form a relationship before leaving them for long periods.

So it wasnt a stranger?

No it wasn't a stranger, but he still had a lot of trauma about unknown people being around our children when they were small - because his abuser "didn't look like the kind of person" who would abuse a child (female, well spoken, had a dbs etc). It led to a lot of trust issues. My point was only that people have a lot of reasons for not wanting to hire someone they barely know.

People have posted that they have not been out as a couple until their child was 14. It absolutely blows my mind.

You made so many assumptions about my post and were aggressive with it. You need to rethink how you behave online.

Also, if you don’t have the decency to be polite to me, you can’t expect it back. You’re unbelievable.

Try having a child with SENDs. There are no babysitters for non- standard children.
We haven’t been out as a couple in 13 years. Not for lack if trying, but babysitters usually don’t accept children with autism (and if they do they call after an hour ir do when they realise that this is work, not just watching telly while the kids sleep)

Cool off a bit. I'm not even the poster who upset you.

Op you're being very snappy. You asked for people's opinions but seem to want everyone to say you're right and oh my goodness there is no-one who will look after our children.