Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

The DB sided with his wife and said his dad is being childish (even though his dad was ill).

Why was that not wrong?

But then what would OP do as a hobby

But you blame your SIL for your brother's passivity - earlier in a post at 11.30 you said she wouldn't let him bring the children to see your parents

There will always be arseholes like your SIL, but ultimately I wouldn't be wasting my energy getting annoyed or having a go at her, it sounds like she is set in her ways and won't change. Focus your energy on supporting your Dad (hope he gets well soon) and working with your brother to bring the kids round more. As this is what will actually help your Dad, as it sounds like his priority is seeing them regularly?

I didn't say she was rude.

I said direct.

There's a difference.

Don't look for something that's not there.

Because she doesn’t. She stacks them with after school and weekend activities so that there is literally no time - but he has to take them to all of them while she stays at home!

But your brother is allowing her to treat your parents, his parents, like this. To not see the children for the entire summer holidays etc.

People are clearly not agreeing with you, so why don't you just log off 😅

She sounds HORRIBLE! To continue with this behaviour after being pulled up on it....what a nasty person. And to actually admit that she doesn't care! Which is what she effectively said when called out.

If I were your dad, I would stop speaking to her. The family chat isn't working, in my opinion, because it's giving her a platform to continue this immensely cold and upsetting behaviour. Maybe your mum could deal with the updates and logistics so that your poor dad isn't exposed to this.

Most people would at least say "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Graham! I hope you're feeling OK" before jumping right to childcare. Perhaps someone might not realise how they're coming across, but to continue it when pointed out is beyond the pale. Is she always cruel to people who are ill?

More so than the locals.

I found the locals a bit bullshitty and non direct.

but he has to take them to all of them while she stays at home!

😂

God, you can't win in here op can you.

I knew this would become a you've got a brother problem even though it's the SIL that is the problem.

OP definitely needs to speak to her own brother about this first. He's allowing too.

I feel like people are focussed on the fact that I don’t like her. Funnily enough, after she made me feel guilty for having surgery for a health issue I was plagued by for 8 years, I’m not her biggest fan!

Everyone has said the SIL is horrible. But OP's brother is an equal parent with equal say. He cannot physically stop her saying mean things (although she could be removed from group) but he can chose where he takes his children. SIL can book activities all she wants, but if brother is taking them then brother can take them somewhere else.

He’s an adult man and their parent. He has agency. He doesn’t have to do anything. He chooses to.

I can just imagine the uproar on here if a dad stopped their kids going to extracurriculars

I’ve not read the full thread and only half you your replies OP, mostly ones where you’re weirdly having to defend yourself/your parents. Honestly this site is an absolute snake pit at times.

I can’t believe some of the responses you’ve got. Well, I can because I think some people just post to be dickheads. SIL is bang out of order (assuming what you’ve said is true and I’ve no reason to doubt that) - yes, we’ve only got one side of the story but isn’t that usually the case when someone posts on here?

I do think your brother probably needs to say something to her but I’d have no qualms about saying something to SIL.

As for people’s comments about your dad being pandered to etc - we have a group chat and used to get my FIL’s necessary updates when he was towards the end of life. Like your dad, it was better because it meant he/MIL didn’t have to repeat things. We all wanted to know how things were as we’re all close. Someone else mentioned their FIL was awful and maybe he’s like that - if that was the case, why use him for childcare?

Regardless of whether childcare needed to be rearranged, the SIL could have phrased it so much better. Even something like “sorry to hear that/that sounds rough/hope you pick up soon. And let us know if you would prefer us to rerrange childcare as we wouldn’t want you to make yourself worse” sort of thing. How difficult is that?

Is there an option to set up a separate group chat with just your family? So
she’s not on it annoying everyone and you can all get the health updates you need from your Dad

Then your DB and SIL can have one they use for (their free) childcare.

Going forward if your DB has the kids so much and takes them to after school activities there’s no reason he can’t visit them is there? Your poor parents shouldn’t be held to ransom like this. After all they’ve done.

Who has said that if they don’t provide childcare they won’t get to see the grandchildren? Or do you just know this is what would happen?

Going forward if your DB has the kids so much and takes them to after school activities there’s no reason he can’t visit them is there?

Well you'd think that wouldn't you?

So she is very self absorbed. Tactless. And not invested in a relationship with your parents, beyond what they can provide on a practical level.
Your DF is hurt by this. Not ununderstanably, and felt he had to say something, so did. That went about as well as could be expected. She got defensive. He got hurt.
You don't like her, again not ununderstanably.
Your parents want a relationship with the DC in question. This arrangement is how they achieve that. So they want it to continue.
She isnt going to change. She had that opportunity to self reflect and do so, but chose to get defensive and go on the attack.
So your parents are in between a rock and a hard place.
Its their choice, carry on seeing the DC, and be prepared for unfeeling questions from the DIL. Or stop the childcare and run the risk of not seeing the DC.
And I would suggest that they caveat every health update with no we can't have the DC or yes we can or can we let you know by x day.
This relationship between DIL and your parents is transactional. However hard your parents work at providing support she is unlikely to change. You can call her out. But I would stay out of it and rant away on here... her behaviour is awful. But sadly she holds the power.
Sad but true.

To take them to see his parents? I don’t imagine there’d be one. However, even if there would be, so what? He wouldn’t take them to see his parents because it might cause an uproar on MN?

Okay, then.

This is one of those rare posts where, based on OP’s account, everyone comes across badly.

SIL: sounds like an awful, selfish bully.

DB: is weak, takes no responsibility, and really should be the one dealing with his parents directly. All that nonsense about her ‘not allowing’ the grandparents to see the kids is absurd. He’s their parent too, and if he’s letting/would let that happen, he’s a massive twat

The parents: are allowing themselves to be treated like rubbish, so they’re being unreasonable as well.

OP: clearly can’t see anyone’s faults but her sister-in-law’s and is showing some serious internalised misogyny.

In short, she’s awful, he’s useless, OP is myopic and sexist, the parents are doormats, and the only people in this post not being unreasonable are the kids.

The problem is your brother! He doesn’t care about his parents or his kids.

Mother of God, this exceeds in 😳-effect my very lowest expectations from this branch of MN.
You'd make a great defence lawyer specialising in mealy-mouthed explanations for serial murder, and war crimes.

Wow, such weird responses on this thread. Are you all collectively on glue?

"Sorry to hear that FIL, it must be very difficult for you. Obviously you must take all the time you need to rest etc. When you're feeling up to it, please let us know if you're still able to take the children on Friday. No pressure, it will just allow us to make alternative plans"

Is what a normal human would say. SIL sounds awful.