Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

Because YOU asked for help not falling out with her.

You've decided she’s an arsehole (or worse, but I refuse to lower myself to your other choice of language).

You’re getting a lot of reasonable suggestions that she might not be the root of all evil that you’re making her up to be in your head, and that there’s lots of scope for improved communication and understanding of each other all round.

If you’re not open to adjusting your opinion at all, dont ask for input.

I would imagine that if the parents say they can no longer provide childcare, presumably free, then they will not see their grandchildren as a punishment.

Honestly stunned at the number of posters bending themselves over backwards to somehow make the woman being unkind to and taking advantage of an elderly, hospitalized man who has been providing free childcare for yonks the victim in this whole situation. There is a huge difference between groveling constantly with thanks and doing the decent thing of recognizing how much someone is helping you and showing some love and care when they’re sick (in hospital!) rather than cutting straight to whether they can still work unpaid for you. It would literally take two minutes out of her day to at least pretend that she cares about the person/people doing her what is frankly a massive favor on a weekly basis.

Jesus wept.

so your DB is a c* and has picked a wife who’s just as bad as he is. Maybe your DB is better at pretending to the social niceties than she is. Probably he is a bit concerned cos this is his actual Dad and not his FIL. But by your account they are largely as bad as each other . Possibly your DB is a bit spineless but hard to know if he actually is, or if he just plays the downtrodden husband in order to deflect your ire into his wife.

Either way though they are going to carry on behaving like this regardless of what you say. You aren’t going to change them. All you and your parents can do is :

a) set some boundaries (who is in the group chat, who communicates about childcare), and

b) grow a thicker skin. Stop expecting SIL to give a shit about any of you or your feelings - she clearly doesn’t . as someone else said she sees this relationship as entirely transactional. That sucks but it’s reality.

As they say: when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

So they had extra curricular activities for the WHOLE of the 6 weeks holiday, there was not a single time where your brother could have taken HIS children to see HIS parents? Utter rot.

I'm glad you've now admitted that your brother is just the same as his wife, because the blaming of SIL for everything was quite obviously not true in the slightest, and is what got my back right up, you were basically blaming her because she is a woman and holding her to a different standard than you do your own brother.

Your brother obviously sees them as just free childcare as well, except he has the common sense to pretend he cares about their problems first.

Either way, there really is nothing that you can do here, apart from talk to your brother, but it is now apparent why you won't, because he won't listen to you or care about what you think. Unfortunately you are going to have to leave it to your parents to resolve, it's only been 3 incidents in 2 years of her coming across rude on messages, so I do think you are blowing it out of proportion.

@everytimeifall

I've just read your posts so pardon if I repeat PP's questions or advice.

My dad had a progressive neuro disease but Mum was still able to watch my DC in the early stages. Now, it was not regular childcare, just ad hoc or having them over on a weekend so not an issue of them having to cancel and one of us having to take off work. But I guess what I'm wondering is where is your mum in all this? Obvs if he has medical appointments/treatments she should be free to go with him. But if he's simply recuperating and doesn't need a lot of physical care himself, is there a reason the DC can't go there if your mum can watch them? (Keeping in mind that 'we don't want to' is a perfectly valid reason not to)

It sounds to me as if you live with your parents. I can understand being angry if the childcare automatically falls to you 'by default' when they are unable. But you can still refuse to do it, you know. Even if you have to absent yourself for the day.

As far as your DB vs your SiL in all this, I think people's thinking is since this seems to be an area of contention, that as their actual son your DB should be the one making any arrangements and your SiL should stay out of it. At least, that's the way I feel. But I do feel that a 'family chat' is NOT the place for that discussion. DB should be contacted separately and told they won't be available before they post in the family chat. Perhaps they can have a separate chat just for them to discuss childcare arrangements. That way once the update is posted the childcare issue won't need to be mentioned as it will already have been dealt with. And if it is mentioned they can reply "Let's deal with this in our 'childcare chat'".

If you want to consider your SiL as the next thing to Cruella deVil that's fine. Maybe you're right, I don't know her. But I think you need to consider a big step back because I've found that the one who gets involved in a battle not their own usually comes off with both parties angry at them! Your parents are adults and are capable of addressing her 'communications' with them. That is none of your business. Perhaps if you didn't get involved they'd find the need to grow backbones and tell her to STFU. By all means deal with anything they say to you about your parents or yourself, but leave the things they say or don't say directly to your parents to them to handle. And as I said above, feel perfectly free to refuse to care for DC and to absent yourself when they do.

And I do agree with a PP about SiL refusing to let them see them if they do start standing up for themselves. Maybe at first, but DB and SiL are shortly going to realize that they're killing the geese that lay the golden eggs. They'll be back hats in hand when they realize how expensive regular paid childcare is and that finding emergency childcare is like hen's teeth.

Exactly.

It’s not rot.

she books them in every damn day. Football, rugby, tennis in the summer and hockey in the winter, cricket, dancing, arts clubs, she’s fucking neurotic about it. But that’s a whole other thread.

Jesus people saying OP hates SIL, like it’s a bad thing. Isn’t there someone we all hate.
None of my ILs now, they’re a lovely family but my boyfriend before my husband who I nearly ended up marrying, I absolutely hated his dad. Shuddering that he could have been my FIL. Horrible poisonous pompous arse hole.
You have your reasons for hating /disliking your SIL and they sound valid to me.
You've admitted your DB plays a part in it but this thread is about her actions and words.

Its up to your mum and dad to put boundaries in place. If theyre moaning to you about it all, but not actually saying no, ever, even if the kids have contagious tummy bugs or they have serious health issues, then they arent being fair to you. Its pitting you against each other and its martyrish behaviour.

If your brother needs free childcare that badly, then i cant see why theyd stop your parents seeing the kids just because he says no sometimes!

I think you should just tell your dad to either say no to them or dont, but its up to him to put boundaries, not you.

Time for your parents to stop the child care. If you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat, then you will be treated like one .

Of course it's rot. A 2 and a 6 year old doing physical activities for 12 hours a day in the summer? they are SO fully booked up all day, every day that he couldn't spare a single hour to go and visit your parents?

He doesn't take them to visit your parents because he doesn't want to.

How will he work from home with young children around? It’s impossible. Also most companies don’t allow it.

I don’t know, he does it. Not my business to be honest

So she sounds like a very anxious person who panics and needs everything to be planned ahead. Maybe she doesn't realise how she comes across. Your DB should be having a word to explain how it comes across. I don't think you should do it, you will be the messenger who gets shot and DB gets let off the hook.

Okay love. I know the truth.

What a well thought out and reasonable post.

bloody norah

When the grandparents can't do childcare, the brother either works from home or takes leave so he can do it.

It's not rocket science to read the OPs posts.

The point of the post is: not about childcare. Not that the SIL is a CF for relying on free childcare. Not that the brother does nothing in relation to childcare or any of the mad theories that are being posted.

The entire point is: the SIL is a rude cunt who instead of saying "sorry to hear you're ill hope you get better soon" and then "can you still do childcare"

just jumps right in with "but can you still do childcare"

she is a rude twat

It's also not rocket science to read the posts and see that OP said her brother can WFH ~1 hour I posted that.

And it doesn't negate that SIL was organising the childcare with PIL.

I don’t know how many times I’ve told you it’s not up to her

@Brefugee this has all been covered up thread. You're re-hashing all ground.

You are also ignoring that the brother told his sick dad he was being childish. But apparent;y it's not rude when a man says it.

Why would your brother allow that to happen? Why wouldn’t he make sure his parents can see his kids?

I think the confusion is posters are referring to previous posts, when the thread has moved on.

But yes, I agree, if SIL can't be kind, then comms should be between DB and his parents. Not that he seems much kinder.

You clearly don't like her.

You need to butt out, your mum dad and brother need grow a set of bollocks!