Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

Did anyone ever get on before the kids?

Doesn't your brother ever want to see his M&D at the weekend when they're not doing childcare?

Not sure why so many people are defending the SIL here. If I had arranged child care with anyone, paid or not, and received a message saying they were in hospital I’d at least ask how they were feeling!
OP, as you’ve already brought it up and she only got defensive I wouldn’t bother again, it’ll make no difference. She’s clearly very self centred and knows your parents are left with little choice. I’d ignore as much as possible and keep her at arms length. At some point her boys will be old enough to decide for themselves if they want to see your parents.

He’s the one constantly talking about how “booked up” they are at weekends. During school holidays etc my parents won’t see the boys for six weeks at a time.

Yes SIL is a tactless bitch and SIL needs to take responsibility when it comes to being less selfish and a bit more empathetic, especially towards someone who does them a huge favour.

This thread is about what a bitch SIL is and not about her asking about childcare - they already get childcare.

If they don’t like the free childcare that FIL provides, then it is up to SIL and DB to find alternative arrangements.

There is absolutely no reason to be so rude and selfish and I am shocked at the posters tying themselves in knots because they can’t cope that a woman might be in the wrong.

It sounds like your dad provides child care for his grandkids to help his son. He drove miles to collect the kids, not her. It doesn't mean she has to have a wonderful personal relationship with him.

And it doesn't even make sense that she'd need to know about the childcare with how you've described the set up so there are obviously crossed wires somewhere in the story.

The quote above makes it appear that your parents also provide childcare for another brother’s children as well - are your parents doing four days childcare every week?

Best wishes to your Dad for a speedy recovery. Obviously your sister-in-law is being rude by never sending your father any best wishes etc. for his health issues, especially as he’s doing her household such a big favour by providing free childcare. However I do agree with PP who said that if your parents know they can’t look after the children this week it would be better for them to tell your brother straight up and outside of the group chat so nobody needs to ask about childcare and the group chat can be kept to best wishes etc.

Ok, I agree that is nasty.

I just wonder why DB gets to do all the nicey stuff and SIL always has to ask about childcare and DB doesn't ask, even though he benefits more and they're his parents.

So no he hasn’t said that if they don’t free childcare for them the consequence will be NC with the DGC?

Its all imagined drama and hopeless and helpless angst then!

Sadly I think the truth is your SIL doesn’t care about your Dad.

And he has a son problem (your brother), as much as a DIL problem.

i think your Dad should remove SIL from the family group chat if her responses upset him so much. She’ll get the news from your brother so no loss. He could also consider saying that communication about childcare needs to go through your brother and that SIL is not to contact him directly about arrangements. Or possibly if he wants to soften it, perhaps that when he’s told them he is unwell, only brother should contact about childcare and not SIL.

it depends how upset he is by SIL’s behaviour and whether the childcare thing is isolated or part of a pattern of disrespecting and being mean to your parents. If the latter then I think them creating some distance from her might be healthy for them.

On your part you should start by talking to your brother. I don’t think there’s any way to raise this with SIL without falling out with her - you clearly don’t like her and that will come across too much if you try to tackle it with her direct.

They get childcare because SIL has to ask for it. OP says SIL has to 'take some responsibility' for asking for childcare but I don't see why DB can't ask.

She’s a nasty piece of work. Let’s be honest. Free childcare to the tune of thousands and she can’t even ask how your DF is…

I think there are two issues here. Firstly, I wouldn’t worry out falling with her. I would pull her up on the group chat. Her comment was rude and thoughtless.

As a separate issue your parents may need to scale back if ill health is preventing them from the childcare. Kids are exhausting and germ factories. They can have a conversation with your DB and SIL. If they refuse to take the kids round at other times they really are nasty pieces of work…

Did I read that they also provide childcare for your other SIL? Jesus that’s just too much.

Your brother could do more to pull her up on the behaviour and be more protective of your parents. He is enabling her awful behaviour. Are you saying even he wouldn’t take the kids over if the childcare stopped? If so you must see he is complicit in all this…

He does ask! But she doesn’t HAVE to ask. She could’ve realised he’s unwell, and there won’t be childcare this week.

If the only time childcare might be an issue is when your dad is ill then I don't get why your brother doesn't ask at the same time as he asks about your dad.

There's a thread running at the moment about posters choosing to deliberately misunderstand. Fml this is a perfect example.
It's not even really about childcare. Or whether the husband should do his bit, because he clearly does. It's about someone who's been part of the family for years and is only bothered about what they can get out of it.
It's appalling that the grandparents don't see the kids during summer holidays but that is partly the brothers fault. Saud before quite happy to say it again. Sil is a cunt.

Agree. A nice person would have said ‘so sorry you’re ill and in hospital. Obviously don’t worry about the kids on Friday, we’ll make other arrangements and get well soon’.

It’s really not hard.

Probably because he’s not emotionless and he realises it’s a bad time?

Why fight with her like title suggests? This isn’t your battle!
her husband asked so that’s his kids asking, which you’re requesting. Best thing would be to stay out of it

Ok, if he also asks after his dad when he asks for childcare then that's how it should be. SIL should do the same. And yes, they shouldn't ask at all when your dad is sick.

Your posts didn't say this, hence the confusion. You said your brother sides with his wife and calls his dad childish.

She called him childish when he expressed that he was upset with how she treated him.

Yes this is exactly what the DB should have done. Taken the lead and proactively absolved his DF and DM of all responsibility during this health crisis.

That wasn't nice of her at all.

But your bro needs a telling off as well.

If he realises it’s a bad time - then a caring person would step up and take any pressure off your DF and DM…..

You said that your brother also calls him childish.

Yes this is exactly what the DB should have done. Taken the lead and proactively absolved his DF and DM of all responsibility during this health crisis.

I wonder why he didn't?

You said that your brother also calls him childish.

I wonder who is following whose lead here?