Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

That in itself is incredibly disrespectful. Your sil sounds very rude and selfish. People are supporting her just to be usual MN contrary.

When someone says they are unwell, however much you are worried about childcare, you bite your tongue and express concern. Basic social skills.

As I said - when he expresses his upset.

So SIL can be a bitch all she likes because she’s a mum?

Maybe because he’s a cunt?

Exactly, and nobody dares to call him a bitch or a cunt. Only SIL is warranted that treatment.
I wonder why. Internalised misogyny anyone?

Agreed, I think that's what a lot of people here are saying, that DB needs to step up.

Tell her to ask her own parents.

as I’ve said, I think he acts like a dick and a cunt at times too!

Do you not think your DB was a 'bitch' to agree with SIL that your father childish when he's unwell?

At that point your dad should have told her to piss off and find some other mug to do the childcare.
I'd definately be falling out with her @everytimeifall

No. But I would expect any adult child to prioritise their parent in a time of severe health crisis and step up to relinquish the parent of any worries or expectations at this terrible time.

The blunt words in a text from the SIL do not cover up the fact that your DB has not taken an immediate caring and compassion action to reassure his DF and DM that all is in hand.

Oh I think he is much worse but this thread isn’t about him. It’s about how she acts.

In the group chat? Do you know this for a fact?

He’s not to blame for what she does.

Actually you never called DB a cunt but did call SIL that a few times.

Your relatives - and you - all have agency on this set up, OP.
Yes your SIL doesn't sound especially pleasant, but no-one else can force her to swap pleasantries with your dad. Accept that that is who she is and everyone else reacts accordingly.
If you or your parents don't like the way she talks to them in a group chat, don't be in a group chat with her - just have a siblings and parents one. If she fills the weekend with plans but your brother would like to visit his parents with the kids - he can say no thanks to the plans and do just that, or put visiting mum and dad in the calendar first as a plan. If your parents don't like doing childcare - they don't need to. If you think she's a cunt, stop having any unnecessary comms with her - step away from group chats, childcare conversations etc.
You're letting her rule the dynamic here and that doesn't need to be the case.

That is brutal. That would totally get her to fly off the handle.

"Ask your parents. Oh sorry, I forgot one is dead and the other as if he were. Never mind."

Agreed. I think many people are naturally going to bristle at women being held to higher standards.

You could do all of this compassionating OP or you could just admit that she's an obnoxious selfish twat and hope that she gets hers one day.

He definitely is to blame, he hasn't set a boundary for her so she treats his parents anyway she sees fit as her husband supports her.
Even if they see her as family, they aren't her parents. then again who knows how she treated her own parents.
You can bring it up if you want to but their only gonna team up against you.
Its your brothers fault.

You are very involved @everytimeifall
Not your circus
Not your monkeys

Well presumably because the dad texted last night and childcare was not an appropriate thing to bring up at that time.

He should have gone away and arranged childcare elsewhere and then texted but you would not act as heartless as SIL by not even asking that he was ok.

SIL is the only one in the wrong here.

I’ve said multiple times I think he’s just as awful.

Ummm, ok. She’s an adult woman so I’d hold her responsible for her own actions!

Fair enough.