DH told his friend he thinks his ex is more attractive than I am

[Grilledy]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married 3 and we have a 1 year old DS. DH is loosely friends with one of his exes, not super close, they don’t meet up alone, she’s married. They stayed friends as he claimed that he realised their personalities weren’t compatible in a relationship but were good in a friendship. I’ve met her, she seems nice enough.
I have always had slight issues with her, mainly as when DH and I were still dating he failed to mention that he had ever been with her (he told me he had been single for 5 years, really he had been single for 2, with her for 2 then single again for 1. This caused an argument at the time but he said he didn’t mention as it was only our second date and he didn’t want me to question their friendship as it mattered to him. He also admitted a few months in to our relationship that he had kissed her while drunk on a night out, but it was very early days for us.
I let it go, we’ve been great since and I have never really doubted his devotion to our family. Our marriage isn’t perfect but who’s is?

Anyway tonight I was talking to one of his friends who I’ve become friends with too, she told me she wasn’t trying to cause drama but that a few weeks ago DH and all his friends had been out, including his ex and DH apparently said to several of his friends “ex is fit though, she was always fit” someone then asked if she was more attractive than me and he apparently replied “yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks”. Obviously this has left me a little stunned. While I appreciate it’s normal while in a relationship to still be able to appreciate that other people are attractive, something about him being so forthcoming about thinking his ex is more attractive feels really hurtful and wrong.
I’m not necessarily shocked he thinks that, I’ve always felt I’m quite plain and his ex is objectively gorgeous, however I’d never have thought he’d say that.
I asked DH about it, he apologised and said he was drunk, reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous, and told me it was a stupid and untrue thing for him to say.

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s keeping me awake it hurts so much. This will sound silly and I know that but it’s triggering a lot of insecurity. I don’t know if anyone will relate to this but sometimes I feel like when we all go out together, he just behaves different around her, not in a show off way, he just seems very relaxed with her and I always notice the way he looks at her, sometimes it’s like he has to do a double take when she walks in etc. She is married and seems like a lovely woman and I don’t think she would cheat on her husband and I’d hope DH wouldn’t cheat on me but now I can’t get this thought out my head that he may have settled on me.
I also worry that personality wise I’m just a bit boring for him, sometimes his friends including his ex send little videos into the group chat (which I’m part of) and they might be dancing around or just doing something silly or teaching their kids 2000s pop music etc. in the car or whatever and he will say things like “god I love the way they just have fun with life”. I’m quite highly strung, more so since having DS but I was never really the fun travel stories, adrenaline activities, clubbing type of person DH and his friends/ex are.

AIBU to be really worried? Should I just accept the apology and move on or is this a bigger deal than I want it to be?

Why on earth did your “friend” tell tales to you! No, he shouldn’t have said it, but telling tales on him was ridiculous.

Watch her, she’s trouble.

I think she is a bit of a drama llama, she loves to gossip so I generally keep my distance but she is part of the wider group so hard to avoid totally and generally she’s very friendly and nice if you just want a chat. Not someone I’d say is my best friend but someone I get on with okay.

This man has disrespected you from the very start of your relationship, so this latest thing can't have come as all that much of a surprise.

Most people wouldn't have got past the initial thumping great lie about having been single for five years, let alone him cheating on you by kissing her - drunk or not. You say you have poor self-esteem, which is probably why you didn't dump him on the spot, which was your first mistake.

I think the standard you have already accepted from him is the standard you're always going to get from him. It's up to you what you want to do about that.

It's obvious you would never consider leaving him, given that you got together with him while he was waving so many red flags. At very least, I would be insisting on going to couples counselling and talking through these issues with an independent third party. I would hope this would give him enough self-awareness to pull back very heavily from contact with this woman. But I'm not convinced he's a decent enough person for this to happen.

She’s not your friend. She should never have told you this. Especially following it up with I don’t want to cause drama. What exactly did she think it would cause!

I would also feel uncomfortable with the whole ex situation. Do you have another friend group? I would be hoping the friendship with this circle drifts.

Trust your gut instinct on your marriage. Is it right?

It’s impossible to know if you need to be worried, you say they don’t meet up alone, she’s married. He seems to hold a light for her, very clearly finds her attractive. I wonder who finished the relationship. It’s a disrespectful thing for him to say, no doubt about it and can see why you are hurt.
Personally I’d want to know he said this rather than have the group chatting about it and me blissfully unaware… But are you sure he’s staring at her on nights out or is that insecurity.
What’s your marriage like generally? It seems you are all quite young? He’s got one thing right- it’s not all looks, you know the saying.

I would be mortified at DHs comments on that night out, and really hurt. I know what you mean by the way he looks at her - it’s not in your head. And yes, you should point it out. As if we don’t have eyes. It’s humiliating having a partner fawn over someone else.

I don’t know what to suggest. Work on yourself, go to the gym, find some attractive guy friends to hang out with.

I agree, the person who told you this is stirring up trouble and is not a good friend.
None of us were there, but it doesn't sound like he set out to compare you to his ex. He was complimenting a friend and another person made it about comparison with you. Saying "sure but it's not all about looks" I would say is not having a dig at you.

Maybe it's worse than that, but you have to decide how much you trust your husband. If he never really felt the chemistry with his ex, if hanging out with her always felt like hanging out with a good mate even when they were officially together, it makes more sense of the "five years single" comment.
I'm also not a fun person, and I know that feeling of wishing I could bring that energy to my family. My LO has even said "Dad is for fun, mum is for hugs" !!! Which, I have to remind myself to focus on the positive - he gets comfort and grounding and hands on love from me, rather than the takeaway being I'm no fun! No one person can be all the good things, your husband chose you and not another adrenaline junkie to build his family with, maybe you bring more of what he wants and needs even if the fun types are good for hanging out with.
I don't know, obviously, I just really hate trouble makers who spot a point of insecurity and pick away to bring other people down to their sad level. Which is what I think your "friend" is.

Why does she need to work on herself, go to the gym and find attractive men to socialise with?

I feel for your DH here, as he's damned either way. Tell the truth and he's hurt you, tell a lie and he's a liar.

The fact that in the same sentence he clearly said that it's not all about looks speaks volumes in my book.

I've been married 38 years, my DH is not the best looking person I dated, in fact, not the type I usually went for at all, but he's my person, despite the looks.

The person telling you this story is stirring trouble.

I don’t think it was a base of their 2 year relationship always felt like hanging out with a mate. I think he just didn’t want me to feel threatened or put off so early on.
I know they had a good relationship, they split on really good terms and DH once said his biggest regret was “loving people wrong and not appreciating how much they put into it”, which I’ve always taken to be about his ex as she has reputation for just being one of those genuinely loving, caring and deeply thoughtful people.

They broke up mutually, the reason I’ve been told is because they both showed love in different ways and struggled to adapt for each other, DH has also admitted he just treated her a bit crap, took advantage of her loving nature and didn’t value how much time she gave him. I guess all of this is why I worry it could be something more.

Say nothing to her, she’s a gossip and shit stirrer!

Pass the time of day and the weather only!

Your DH was embarrassingly rude but accept his apology and trust that he believes that it is not all about looks.
The tattle tale tit caused trouble and was much more intentionally cruel to you than your DH.

Don't stress about it.
Lighten up.
Focus on having lovely times as a couple and as a family.

Make strong connections in new social groups.

Encourage DH to stop drinking.
Being drunk at his age is sensless.

His ex has found a more suitable partner ...
... and so has your DH.

I agree with other posters that your “ friend” has deliberately set out to cause trouble and drama.

Your DH has said it’s “ not all about looks” and that to me suggests he’s not a shallow person but one who appreciates deeper qualities in you as a person.
He chose you because of that and stayed friends with his ex because of aspects of her personality which are more suited to friendship.
The ex does sound like a lovely person from your description but with her being married, does she come across as interested in your DH, romantically ? I’d be reassured that their breakup was mutual.

Maybe keep the gossipy friend at arms length and don’t tell her how you feel. She’ll be hoping to feed off the drama !

He publicly made you an object of pity and gossip when he could have simply shut his fat fucking trap. Being honest doesn't mean vomiting whatever sewage is currently slopping around in your head, or we'd all walk around shouting "Hey, you're fat and ugly!" or "Hey, you're gorgeous!" as we walked past people.

If he had not chosen to publicly salivate over his ex this wouldn't have happened. It is ALL on him.

Your right, it is hurtful and wrong. And he chose that.

She did you a favour by telling you, regardless of her reasons. She may just have pitied you and decided not to let him humiliate you behind your back. Or she could be a sneaky, stirring cow.

He needs to re-evaulate his behaviour, perhaps he shouldn't be hanging around on the piss with a bunch of gossips but could make better choices. I am guessing it was a drunken cruelty - but if he was sober that's even worse.

Is this the only completely unacceptable, humiliating and cunty thing he has done to you or is this a pattern?

Not sure if this is useful to know, but I have an ex who maintains I'm the most gorgeous woman he's been with, and that I'm so much fun. There are still feelings there for him from 17 years ago. He calls us "great friends" and says we always will be.

But I hold no candle to his wife. Objectively, she's quite plain. She sounds much less lively than me. She is what he needed, what he fell in love with, and chose to marry.

For all that he thinks of my "beauty" (I'm not particularly special looking btw) I am nothing in comparison to the woman he chose to spend his life with.

Oh wait, so he also cheated on you with the woman he publicly salivated over? And you knew about it and let it go?

"He also admitted a few months in to our relationship that he had kissed her while drunk on a night out, but it was very early days for us."

You knew what kind of man he was after he admitted cheating (yes of course it is cheating, anything you wouldn't do in front of your girlfriend/fiance/wife is cheating). He hasn't changed, people never do really, you just chose to ignore the red flags.

He might stay with you if he can't get her back, but he clearly does fancy her and now he's admitting it publicly too. Sorry OP, but I guess it depends if you''re willing to settle for being settled for.

Sorry @Grilledy but she’s the ‘one that got away‘. He regrets how he treated her, he still fancies her, thinks she’s great fun, a lovely person…

He absolutely is looking back with rose tinted glasses and for all his protestations that they didn’t love each other the same way… the double takes when she walks in the room and drunken disclosures to friends that he finds her more attractive than you…tells you that when he thinks about her, it’s more than as a friend.

Well, I couldnt come back from that I'm afraid. It's one thing to think it (although I want my husband to think I'm the most gorgeous person in the world, and dont care how unreasonable that is!) but quite another to say it.
As for questioning your personality, adults who film themselves making up "fun" dances are pigeon-brained idiots, which makes me wonder...is your husband also a pigeon-brained idiot, who you'd be better getting shot of?

I think that’s a pretty harsh statement. I don’t think there is anything wrong at all with friends sharing videos of themselves dancing with their kids to a new song they like or being a bit silly. It’s not something I do and clearly isn’t something you would do but I don’t think it’s fair to insult those who do. Many of my friends do this type of thing, and are frankly some of the most intelligent, well spoken and knowledgeable people I know, not to mention kind and loving. I’m not really sure why you think there choice to do that type of thing is indicative of how intelligent they are?

Your insecurity is making you unsettled @Grilledy

You have been married for seven years and you have a child, you are sharing a life together.

Being honest with yourself, is she "more physically attractive" if so, he has not lied but he also qualified it by saying "but it’s not all about looks"

You say "we’ve been great since and I have never really doubted his devotion to our family" and that is what you should remind yourself of.

The female who told you is no friend, what on earth could she possibly gain by telling you? She is not a decent person.

You should definitely give her a wide berth.

Good for you for not being as judgemental as me!

I don’t believe this person is your friend, why she would say that is very odd and disturbing. The only reason is to cause shit, and that’s not nice.

Other than that though, I don’t know why you are in such a tizz about it or why you even brought it up with your DH. I would class myself as a bit below plain on the looks scale (and average plain if I make an effort with hair/makeup etc). So what, and it’s never held me back with relationships, and I’m guessing that of any partners I’ve had I’m likely the least good looking, as a fact, and I wouldn’t care if someone said that. I did have two partners that, in a grown up relationship sense (not school age relationships) had only dated models, it’s true. They obviously dated me for other reasons than my looks 🤣. One ex-wife literally nearly rolled around laughing when she first met me, they had a child, so there were handovers. Not surprisingly, he left her as while beautiful she was a nasty person. Anyway, point being I can’t see how it’s a slight for a DH or his friends to say someone else was better looking if that was the case. The focus is that your DH chose to be with you for reasons that eclipse that, so no problems?

The thing is @Grilledy, you are questioning if you are ‘enough’ because you don’t fit the same mould.

His words and actions are contributing to that. You’re comparing yourself to someone who is the opposite of you… and feeling that insecurity… his behaviour is driving that.

He fancies her. This is beyond a friendship for him. Whether you can get past that is a question for you…

@sothatsthat you sound rather bitter 😧

He sounds exactly like a pigeon brained idiot to me.