DH told his friend he thinks his ex is more attractive than I am

[Grilledy]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married 3 and we have a 1 year old DS. DH is loosely friends with one of his exes, not super close, they don’t meet up alone, she’s married. They stayed friends as he claimed that he realised their personalities weren’t compatible in a relationship but were good in a friendship. I’ve met her, she seems nice enough.
I have always had slight issues with her, mainly as when DH and I were still dating he failed to mention that he had ever been with her (he told me he had been single for 5 years, really he had been single for 2, with her for 2 then single again for 1. This caused an argument at the time but he said he didn’t mention as it was only our second date and he didn’t want me to question their friendship as it mattered to him. He also admitted a few months in to our relationship that he had kissed her while drunk on a night out, but it was very early days for us.
I let it go, we’ve been great since and I have never really doubted his devotion to our family. Our marriage isn’t perfect but who’s is?

Anyway tonight I was talking to one of his friends who I’ve become friends with too, she told me she wasn’t trying to cause drama but that a few weeks ago DH and all his friends had been out, including his ex and DH apparently said to several of his friends “ex is fit though, she was always fit” someone then asked if she was more attractive than me and he apparently replied “yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks”. Obviously this has left me a little stunned. While I appreciate it’s normal while in a relationship to still be able to appreciate that other people are attractive, something about him being so forthcoming about thinking his ex is more attractive feels really hurtful and wrong.
I’m not necessarily shocked he thinks that, I’ve always felt I’m quite plain and his ex is objectively gorgeous, however I’d never have thought he’d say that.
I asked DH about it, he apologised and said he was drunk, reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous, and told me it was a stupid and untrue thing for him to say.

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s keeping me awake it hurts so much. This will sound silly and I know that but it’s triggering a lot of insecurity. I don’t know if anyone will relate to this but sometimes I feel like when we all go out together, he just behaves different around her, not in a show off way, he just seems very relaxed with her and I always notice the way he looks at her, sometimes it’s like he has to do a double take when she walks in etc. She is married and seems like a lovely woman and I don’t think she would cheat on her husband and I’d hope DH wouldn’t cheat on me but now I can’t get this thought out my head that he may have settled on me.
I also worry that personality wise I’m just a bit boring for him, sometimes his friends including his ex send little videos into the group chat (which I’m part of) and they might be dancing around or just doing something silly or teaching their kids 2000s pop music etc. in the car or whatever and he will say things like “god I love the way they just have fun with life”. I’m quite highly strung, more so since having DS but I was never really the fun travel stories, adrenaline activities, clubbing type of person DH and his friends/ex are.

AIBU to be really worried? Should I just accept the apology and move on or is this a bigger deal than I want it to be?

I agree completely, and I’m surprised others think the friend is being a bitch. I’d want to know, and I think the friend has been loyal here. Otherwise the OP would be going out with these people without knowing what had been said, and how her husband views his ex. It’s humiliating!

The friend has probably also faced some backlash from the OPs husband and the wider group for speaking up.

He also admitted a few months in to our relationship that he had kissed her while drunk on a night out, but it was very early days for us.

Ooh no. No no no. If he fancied her enough to kiss her 1-2 years after they broke up then this won't have fully gone away 7 years later.

The husband admitted it and apologised. Sounds like the friend did it in a decent way - privately etc. I don’t know why she is being called nasty, she’s actually stuck her neck out to warn a friend about something that factually happened. I’d want to know, and would hope a friend would come and speak to me kindly about something like this. The OPs husband and the person who asked the question publicly embarrassed the OP, it was a really unkind and undermining thing to do. Especially publicly, with a group they socialise with regularly. Without the friend, the OP would just be walking around oblivious while a group of people are pitying her, and knowing something about her relationship that she doesn’t know.

With the double takes at the ex’s appearance, the comments, the kiss etc, maybe the friend was trying to give a heads up to the OP so she isn’t blindsided if there is something going on / going on in the future

Absolutely this.

I’m also surprised at the posters focusing on the woman who told her and attacking her, whilst basically ignoring what the husbands done. I really dismay of why blame a man when you can find a woman to blame instead. It’s such a horrible misgynistic way to behave, and it’s even worse when it’s women on women.

as said earlier, I’d absolutely tell a friend this, there is no way I’d want everyone to know what he said and how he feels and basically lie by omission to her face and not mention it. I’d quietly do what this woman did, and tell the wife. And if that makes me a nasty bitch for not covering up for this man, then call me a nasty bitch, I’m proud to wear the badge if it means I don’t cover up men’s bad behaviour.

I think he took her for granted and is now doing same with you. I think he is a classic man child who can’t commit. His ex is attractive to him because he can’t have her anymore. He’s childish and his friends sound like pains . He might have good points and you might have good reasons to love him but he has screwed up as far as your trust in him is concerned. If you don’t want to break up with him or aren’t ready yet, go out there and live your life to the fullest and leave him behind. Make it clear he is NOT the centre of your universe. Be polite and cordial but be a bit distant and not that interested in him . Watch him sulk as he realises he isn’t God’s gift to women kind . Good luck !

I feel it’s important to remember that the comment he made (about his ex being “fitter”) wasn’t meant for your ears. Sure, it’s still not nice… but as far as we know he never intended you to hear that. Also, he only gave the comment when asked specifically.

I can understand why you feel hurt and stung, though.

Let’s be honest though - imagine if we women were chatting to friends about our exes - many of us might describe a gorgeous guy we’ve been with. If pushed we might even say it was the best looking person we’ve been with. But that would never necessarily mean we still want to be with that person now.

That friend should never have passed on his comment to you. Surely she must’ve known it would hurt you.

Yeah I’m not with you there, the fact he said it behind her back doesn’t make it ok. He said it to their joint friends. How humiliating. And you may tell your joint friends of both genders you prefer an ex, but most of us don’t do that.

Ok fair point - I had forgotten that it was joint friends in the group. I guess I was imagining chatting to my own female friends. & just to be clear, I didn’t mean it would mean I prefer that person - it was only describing superficial physical attractiveness.
Yes, you are right that it would be humiliating amongst a group of mutual friends. A nice partner would be more respectful.
& I did also mean to add that some of the OP’s husband’s other behaviours described are not on either.

The DH has confirmed what was said.

The person who said 'do you think she is fitter than your girlfriend?' confirmed that they did so?

It just seems a really odd thing to ask, as an adult.

This exactly, I wouldn’t find you a bitch, I think this would be a good friend. I’m sad about some of the comments also, heaping the blame on the only person who behaved in a good way, and much less at the man who had behaved badly here

No you said you question if this happened. But OP said she asked her husband and he admitted the conversation took place.

I do agree the person who asked DH if he thinks his ex is fitter than his wife is beyond childish.

I think OP has run away. I guess I understand that too much truth telling is too much for her.

OP, he cheated on you in the first few months of you being together with this woman. Of course you have reason for concern. Yes, of course kissing another woman when you are seeing someone else is cheating. You knew it then and you know it now. I am sorry, we have all ignored red flags in relationships - this is what it gets you.

He might stay with you, as it seems he cannot get her back. Only you can say if you are willing to settle for that.

For those pretending this is about OP being vain - stop being bullying cows to a woman who clearly has good reason to feel jealous and has low self esteem about her looks.

Even if OP considered herself beautiful (and she stated she thinks she is plain) it would absolutely never have been the right thing for her wanker of a husband to be salivating about an ex to a group of people and then topping it up with saying his wife is less attractive than the woman he used to fuck.

There are no circumstances where this is ok or in any way necessary. He should have kept his fat trap shut. Tbh it is quite easy not to say things like that, unless we really really want to say them

This would have been bad enough if he did it in front of men only and thought the Bro Code would protect his skeevy behaviour - but he said it in front of other women too. He deliberately chose to make his wife an object of gossip.

What a total fucking pig he is. I am sorry you are having to face the truth now OP, I think you have lived near that river in Egypt for many years. I hope you are ok.

You have to decide if you can live in this other woman’s shadow which maybe for the rest of your marriage. Despite what he says his actions have been to kiss her in the early stages of your relationship. That’s when all the excitement should have been for you not an ex. Obviously he has feelings for his ex and probably always will. Depends if you think you can ride it out and hope it’s just a phase. Not sure I could have my husband fawning and fancying another woman. The conversation with his mates is so disrespectful to you. Not sure if the friend is shit stirring or trying to warn you. Maybe she knows more had been said? I would keep her close (the saying about keeping enemies closer) but I maybe wouldn’t trust her completely.

@Naunet I don't think the supposed friend had OP's best interests at heart. What good could possibly have come from telling OP what her husband allegedly said? The news was only ever going to hurt her.

@Grilledy, how are you doing?

I still can’t get over the fact that his Ex was actually part of the group on that night out. Whether or not she heard his appalling remarks, she was in the venue when he was panting over her looks and then comparing the two of you at his mate’s request. He had clearly been ogling her, as he also does in your presence.

It was bad enough that he gushed to them about her body’s current state, but then he had to include that ‘she was always fit’. They know that as her former lover, he would know. He really did shit on you from a great height, @Grilledy. He is still hung up on her, fantasizes about her, and spews about her in public.

You have overlooked his disloyalty regarding Ex time and again, but his latest heinous degradation should be your absolute dealbreaker.

You’re triggered because he still talks to her, lied about her when you first started dating… married or not I wouldn’t be happy with the arrangement

Have you decided what to do now, @Grilledy?

Yes, that’s the solution. @Grilledy needs to make herself more palatable to the male gaze and acquire attractive male acquaintances. Transform herself into a high value female. So you’re advising Snap to it in spin class, drop the calories Acquire hot male mates, these are the things she needs. Riiiiiiiight you are

I do agree the person who asked DH if he thinks his ex is fitter than his wife is beyond childish.

I still maintain that context matters. It’s a bizarre question as it stands, apart from anything else. But you can see one of those stupid pub conversations along the lines of “everyone always holds on to the best looking partner that they can”. The OP’s DH has disagreed and has said that marriage is more than that. And hence they’ve had the conversation as reported. It’s more likely to be that than his suddenly announcing to the pub that he has and always has had the hots for Lucy and that she’s markedly more attractive than his wife.

Still maintain the “friend” is awful too. That remark can only upset her. If there was genuine concern, she could have phrased it as “is everything okay? Are you sure there’s nothing between your DH and his ex?”. Sounds like it was reported back with malice.

I also think context matters and can see how this could happen. The op is written like he made a comment and someone asked this, which may have been how it happened, but it feels like there was a deeper conversation going on about the ex, and due to what her husband was saying, someone asked the question, as he was appearing like he preferred the ex. I really doubt sadly the conversation started with him suddenly declaring her fit.

I don’t think your husband should have said that, nor do I think his friend was right to compare you both. The friend who told you is also a bit weird for telling you. I know you say they’re all living life and having fun but it sounds like they are also a bit immature.

The way you talk about others is so kind and composed. You are clearly a lovely person. Don’t let your kind nature be taken advantage of, call your husband out: it’s hurtful to hear his comments. I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if he heard a similar comment. Don’t let this niggle at your confidence, you’re a good, kind person and that counts for more than you might think. Your husband is lucky.

Saying what he thought out load for everyone to hear is hurtful and disrespectful to you. I would forgive him this time but, make it very clear it must not happen again -otherwise!

Surely it’s obvious to you that your ‘D’ H has shown his true colours to you over the years. You keep allowing him to disrespect you in different ways. What should he do to make you see the flapping twat he truly is????