DH told his friend he thinks his ex is more attractive than I am

[Grilledy]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married 3 and we have a 1 year old DS. DH is loosely friends with one of his exes, not super close, they don’t meet up alone, she’s married. They stayed friends as he claimed that he realised their personalities weren’t compatible in a relationship but were good in a friendship. I’ve met her, she seems nice enough.
I have always had slight issues with her, mainly as when DH and I were still dating he failed to mention that he had ever been with her (he told me he had been single for 5 years, really he had been single for 2, with her for 2 then single again for 1. This caused an argument at the time but he said he didn’t mention as it was only our second date and he didn’t want me to question their friendship as it mattered to him. He also admitted a few months in to our relationship that he had kissed her while drunk on a night out, but it was very early days for us.
I let it go, we’ve been great since and I have never really doubted his devotion to our family. Our marriage isn’t perfect but who’s is?

Anyway tonight I was talking to one of his friends who I’ve become friends with too, she told me she wasn’t trying to cause drama but that a few weeks ago DH and all his friends had been out, including his ex and DH apparently said to several of his friends “ex is fit though, she was always fit” someone then asked if she was more attractive than me and he apparently replied “yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks”. Obviously this has left me a little stunned. While I appreciate it’s normal while in a relationship to still be able to appreciate that other people are attractive, something about him being so forthcoming about thinking his ex is more attractive feels really hurtful and wrong.
I’m not necessarily shocked he thinks that, I’ve always felt I’m quite plain and his ex is objectively gorgeous, however I’d never have thought he’d say that.
I asked DH about it, he apologised and said he was drunk, reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous, and told me it was a stupid and untrue thing for him to say.

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s keeping me awake it hurts so much. This will sound silly and I know that but it’s triggering a lot of insecurity. I don’t know if anyone will relate to this but sometimes I feel like when we all go out together, he just behaves different around her, not in a show off way, he just seems very relaxed with her and I always notice the way he looks at her, sometimes it’s like he has to do a double take when she walks in etc. She is married and seems like a lovely woman and I don’t think she would cheat on her husband and I’d hope DH wouldn’t cheat on me but now I can’t get this thought out my head that he may have settled on me.
I also worry that personality wise I’m just a bit boring for him, sometimes his friends including his ex send little videos into the group chat (which I’m part of) and they might be dancing around or just doing something silly or teaching their kids 2000s pop music etc. in the car or whatever and he will say things like “god I love the way they just have fun with life”. I’m quite highly strung, more so since having DS but I was never really the fun travel stories, adrenaline activities, clubbing type of person DH and his friends/ex are.

AIBU to be really worried? Should I just accept the apology and move on or is this a bigger deal than I want it to be?

She may be a gossip but if my husband spoke about me like that I'd like to know.
I think she did you a favour.
Of course his words will be remarked up by others.
Good men don't discuss their ex's and wives like this.

Your husband is not a good man.
He's a liar and a cheat from when you started out, and you accepted it.

He didn't treat the ex well and hasn't with you either.

Personally I would never feel the same or trust him again.
I don't think he has any respect for himself or you.

This is an individual choice whether you try to move on, and you have a young baby to consider.
Perhaps I might stay and see how things go.

But I certainly wouldn't have more children with him, feel the same about him, or fully trust him again.

To be honest he sounds like a bit of a vain, vacuous, whose a real twat when he drinks.

Certainly he is no prize as a husband.

Very unpleasant. There is obviously always someone more beautiful, more intelligent, more affluent, more whatever is highly praised in the attractiveness status, etc. but one should keep one's trap firmly shut. We all know who is more attractive, etc. we don't need reminding.

However you should have dumped him just for that snog - on the spot.

Yes maybe. After reading again I think her ‘D’H was awful too. I think the friend was being snide but maybe she was trying to help. Hard to tell I guess.

I agree with this. A man will stay with you and be eternally distracted and dissatisfied, as long as yours is a warm enough place to land. Pretty much just as he did with the ex he admits to fumbling.

He could've kept his mouth shut or deflected, but didn't respect you enough to do so. I can see why Ms Tattle Tale felt you should know.

So if op was still friends with her ex, and lied to her husband about it and kissed him in the early days behind her husbands back, then on a night out she'd said how her ex was more attractive than her husband, and that had got back to him, and now he was mad, you'd feel sorry for her, would you?

This 100%.

Hugs OP. xx

Yes.
I would be extremely angry, not sure if hurt.
But I keep myself "fit", for myself.
My husband isn't really an issue here (significant age difference).

… a few weeks ago DH and all his friends had been out, including his ex and apparently said to several of his friends “ex is fit though, she was always fit” someone then asked if she was more attractive than me and he apparently replied “yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks.”

So his Ex was present in the group during this conversation and could have overheard his drooling remarks or been told by those who did hear?? His comments were highly inappropriate and unacceptable. He was thinking of her and her body and blurted his inner thoughts, publicly humiliating you and making you an object of pity and gossip. I too would be so hurt … and angry.

@Grilledy, in my view he holds a candle for Ex:
*He had an agenda to nurture their connection and continue being a part of her life, and he lied to make that happen.

*He cheated on you with her after several months of dating.

*He makes spontaneous comments to friends in public about her good looks and rates her higher than you when asked.

*His behavior changes around her, he does a double-take stare in front of you whenever she enter a room [which she and others will notice], and is very relaxed and comfortable with her.

It is very interesting that he regrets ‘loving people wrong’ and failing to appreciate them. It does appear that he was referring to Ex, as he has divulged not treating her well during their time together, but is now making that up to her. However, considering his lies, infidelity, and massive public disrespect, he is repeating that pattern of contempt and disregard with you.

I don’t think I could move forward with him under these circumstances.

OP please attend to yourself with kindness, it’s not at all surprising that you feel hurt and are ruminating about this. It is almost inevitable that it will undermine your self-esteem. I guess the question is how can you genuinely recover from this insulting behaviour from him as this is the number one priority so that this bullshit doesn’t make you smaller and more vulnerable .

He said this publicly behind your back, it’s really horrible of him to do this and it may well be that the “friend” just felt you needed to know. Don’t shoot the messenger, this is about your H being a total dick. you deserve to be cherished and protected by him. He didn’t protect you and from the sounds of it you are not expecting or demanding that he would which is very telling. he didn’t need to answer the question. And who asked him such a crass and stupid question? If it’s so obvious that she is exceptionally good looking then why ask it at all? The whole thing stinks.

so don’t tie yourself in knots making excuses for him and blaming it all on the messenger. He fucked up and you are understandably hurt, and that’s the bottom line.

I think the pathway through this begins with you doing some serious work on yourself, and hopefully the relationship can expand to accommodate you being more assertive about your needs and having higher expectations. But first you need to get grounded in what’s going in inside you. This is the ongoing work of life, everybody has to do it I think.

theres an amazing form of therapy (which is evidence based, not “woo”) called Schema Therapy, I know of 2 really helpful resources that you can work through on your own and can be quite life changing in themselves, counselling or therapy is also potentially really good but expensive and it does rely on finding somebody who knows what they’re doing, if you’re a normal human with limited resources I would definitely recommend at least having a look at this stuff. They are both dated and cheesy so you do have to get past that but I recommend https://amzn.eu/d/dFC7sdF and https://open.spotify.com/show/2cUtEE64hIlCoQtEE2oO5t?si=N1d9DOyITdGJ10uqZ4ViQQ

The world will reflect back to you how you feel about yourself, imagine you are your own daughter being treated like this and respond to yourself with that much compassion

What a silly thing to say - she’s her friend.

Looks aren’t everything but it was a really weird thing for your husband to say to others.

Really fucking weird.

Stop listening to gossip from people who may or may not have an agenda.

Well put!

I think you’ve got quite a big problem to be honest. I have two exes, both relationships lasted around a year, in my wider friendship circle with DH. One of them is a close is friend of DH’s far more than mine. The other is more of a mutual friend. DH and I have been together over twenty five years now.

Since we have been together I have been to a concert with one of the exes (obscure band that we both like but no one else in our group is interested in them), and had the other ex stay over for a few nights while DH was working away because he happened to be working near where we lived so of course we offered him a place to stay. Neither of these things has ever been even slightly a problem because DH knows with absolute certainty that he is my first choice in every respect.

I am very fond of both exes, they are lovely people, and valued friends. If either of them made any allusions to our history (one of them has a couple of times when tipsy), I shut it down immediately as inappropriate.

I am very conscious that, even after all this time, my DH could feel uncomfortable about my history with the exes. I would never let that happen because his feelings are my priority and I would never say or do anything to make him feel insecure. If anyone else raises the subject of either ex I tell them the truth, that they are a really lovely guy, we weren’t suited as a couple, but they’re a great friend.

This ex girlfriend is not the problem, your DH is. He should be making sure you never have any reason to feel insecure about his ex. Lying about their relationship, kissing her while you were dating, and telling his friends he finds her more attractive than you, are all cruel to you.

Only you can decide what to do from here. It sounds like the ex is well rid of him and happily settled with her husband so I wouldn’t view her as a threat. I wouldn’t trust your husband not to go chasing after her though, especially if it ever looks like there is a bit of a wobble in her marriage. You’ll never be able to relax.

I’m not saying immediately file for divorce. If you can afford to get some counselling to help you work on your low self esteem I think that would be a very good start.

Agree. Women post on here saying how bad the man is or what he’s done without ever taking responsibility that they’re also to blame by skipping red flags, continuing to date , marry and have a kid with the guy. Then wanna come on here and do woe is me. Got no sympathy for it tbh.

He's with you, not the ex. Which suggests he finds you more attractive. Friend is a trouble-maker btw.

This ^^

I think your DH told the truth. Men on here get crucified for telling the smallest of white lies so he told the truth and yes, it must sting a bit, but try not to take it personally if you can.

I am the same as @ItsNotMeEither my DH and I have been married 20 years. He is not the best looking man I have dated, and I have seen his ex and she is gorgeous, and is better looking than me. But finding your life partner is MUCH more than just how that person looks and how attractive they are. My DH is way more attractive to me than my ex was because he has personal qualities that make him that way.

The fact your DH stated that its 'not all about looks' means that he is not a shallow person and he is also not a liar.

If it were me I would let this go.

I do understand that it may have hurt a little and I get that, I honestly do. But if he had said 'oh no my wife is much better looking' and you heard that he said that would you be thinking 'you're a liar'

The 'friend' that told you this is a shit stirrer and she will be loving that she has tapped into your insecurities. Try and rise above it. You know what you and your DH have built together so try and focus on that.

All great except you’re ignoring the non-disclosure on the actual length of the relationship he had with this ex and, more importantly, that, every time he has a drink he’s banging on about her or kissing her.

Personally, I think the looks side of this is a red herring. It feels to me like the op’s DH is one of those arseholes who likes to keep his partner “on her toes” by dangling an alternative more fun female alongside their situation. It’s mean, insidious and is clearly impacting the op’s self esteem.

1. He's been an arse. You should never say anything that mean about your partner
2. She's a trouble maker. Steer clear.
3. You can't undo what he said so you need to move on, for the sake of your sanity. Build on the good, real things in your marriage. Time will tell if his ex is an issue.

”Build on the good things in your marriage”

LOL. You’re delusional and want her to push things under the carpet. Terrible advice.

I would be very hurt by his comment and it was very mean of your shit stirring friend to mention it. I do actually think you are the one he actually wants to be with but I would really struggle with the fact they are still such good friends. Hopefully she will move somewhere a long way away.

I will say the other friend who asked your DH if he thinks his ex is fitter than you also sounds immature and childish for asking.

This is very true.

I'm so sorry, OP. I completely understand how upsetting, how undermining this has been for you. I think your DH has behaved very badly indeed. He didn't even consider that his careless comment might get back to you - as it has. What he said, in public, was extremely hurtful and you have every right to feel that way.

Yeah I agree this post does nail it . . . I was in a similar relationship (got together when there were so many red flags) but stupid me chose to ignore them. So sorry, you deserve better XXX.