DH told his friend he thinks his ex is more attractive than I am

[Grilledy]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married 3 and we have a 1 year old DS. DH is loosely friends with one of his exes, not super close, they don’t meet up alone, she’s married. They stayed friends as he claimed that he realised their personalities weren’t compatible in a relationship but were good in a friendship. I’ve met her, she seems nice enough.
I have always had slight issues with her, mainly as when DH and I were still dating he failed to mention that he had ever been with her (he told me he had been single for 5 years, really he had been single for 2, with her for 2 then single again for 1. This caused an argument at the time but he said he didn’t mention as it was only our second date and he didn’t want me to question their friendship as it mattered to him. He also admitted a few months in to our relationship that he had kissed her while drunk on a night out, but it was very early days for us.
I let it go, we’ve been great since and I have never really doubted his devotion to our family. Our marriage isn’t perfect but who’s is?

Anyway tonight I was talking to one of his friends who I’ve become friends with too, she told me she wasn’t trying to cause drama but that a few weeks ago DH and all his friends had been out, including his ex and DH apparently said to several of his friends “ex is fit though, she was always fit” someone then asked if she was more attractive than me and he apparently replied “yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks”. Obviously this has left me a little stunned. While I appreciate it’s normal while in a relationship to still be able to appreciate that other people are attractive, something about him being so forthcoming about thinking his ex is more attractive feels really hurtful and wrong.
I’m not necessarily shocked he thinks that, I’ve always felt I’m quite plain and his ex is objectively gorgeous, however I’d never have thought he’d say that.
I asked DH about it, he apologised and said he was drunk, reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous, and told me it was a stupid and untrue thing for him to say.

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s keeping me awake it hurts so much. This will sound silly and I know that but it’s triggering a lot of insecurity. I don’t know if anyone will relate to this but sometimes I feel like when we all go out together, he just behaves different around her, not in a show off way, he just seems very relaxed with her and I always notice the way he looks at her, sometimes it’s like he has to do a double take when she walks in etc. She is married and seems like a lovely woman and I don’t think she would cheat on her husband and I’d hope DH wouldn’t cheat on me but now I can’t get this thought out my head that he may have settled on me.
I also worry that personality wise I’m just a bit boring for him, sometimes his friends including his ex send little videos into the group chat (which I’m part of) and they might be dancing around or just doing something silly or teaching their kids 2000s pop music etc. in the car or whatever and he will say things like “god I love the way they just have fun with life”. I’m quite highly strung, more so since having DS but I was never really the fun travel stories, adrenaline activities, clubbing type of person DH and his friends/ex are.

AIBU to be really worried? Should I just accept the apology and move on or is this a bigger deal than I want it to be?

We teach people how to treat us.
OP unfortunately you married a cheating liar.
He knows this.
He's no catch, never was.

In his tiny mind she is the one that got away.
Focus on yourself, building self-esteem and independence and protecting yourself.

You have always deserved so much better than this disloyal twat you settled for.

This is who he always was.
Believe him for goodness sake.

And, to be honest, he actually never could be trusted, he snogged the ex he is salivating over publicly while he and OP were already an item. OP ignored that red flag, and I am guessing a whole lot more.

I think it's only because he has humiliated her and made her an object of gossip and derision publicly, and made it abundantly clear he still fancies the ex beyond any reasonable doubt, that she is finally cottoning on to the reality that she will have to settle for being settled for.

Yes, I think she dumped him and I think he's wanted her back ever since. Sorry OP.

Absolutely this.

Context is so, so important in these situations and all you have is the punchline, delivered (by the sound of it) with some mischief in mind. Clearly, what he said wasn’t the most tactful, but you weren’t the audience. And he hasn’t necessarily been disrespectful; arguably the point that it’s not all about looks shows maturity and respect for the wider relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I can completely understand why it’s really hurtful to hear it reported back to you, but from your post it isn’t as though it’s something you wouldn’t have thought yourself. And, of course, relationships are about much more than looks. By the sound of it, your DH is upset that he’s upset you and sees the error of his loose talk. I’d say you’d both be wise to avoid those “friends” again.

No, I don't. Projection is real though. Sorry you're so bitter (not really, I don't care at all that you're bitter😅)

So yeah, he's a cunt, he's embarrassed you, made you the object of gossip, he snogged her (and let's be honest probably a lot more) when you were already dating and he's going around telling people you're far less attractive than her - for no reason at all. He chose to say those things. Nobody made him.

His choice to salivate over his ex, his choice to humiliate you publicly.

I am sorry you married a cunt, truly.

of course you are making a drama of it
do you seriously think you are the most attractive person in the world?

the fact DH told his friends "yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks" says all you need to know. There was a reason they split and reason he married you instead, and that was not about "looks".

His friend sounds like a stirrer; why would she say that to you?

I think he still fancies her I’m afraid but she doesn’t feel the same, I suspect it was less of a mutual break up than he’s told you. I think he hid it initially as it was so hard for him to talk about.

I’m not sure it’s enough to end a marriage over, as I think uou always knew he felt this way and chose to marry him and have a kid despite it. It is very hurtful though to hear it said out loud, and to all your friends who also know he still has a thing for her. I think you went into this knowing that. But to hear it spoken you’re second choice is brutal.

thr friend who told you, I don’t know, I don’t think it’s about her, and I personally would wish to know, not have everyone else knowing and not me.i feel it would be wrong for them to all know he’s pining after her but you not to.

i think you need to let it go. You can’t change how he feels op and I don’t think you want to end it.

I agree.
They all sound like immature low class people.
Who even introduces such a subject?
Certainly not real decent friends.

Posters are correct, she rightly dumped him and he has been salivating ever since.

Likely telling himself the story of their breakup to salvage his ego.

She was completely out of his league in personality, looks and intelligence, having dumped him years ago.

Hence he was willing to meet and cheat with her when he subsequently got the chance, "the one that got away".

You look after yourself OP, do not depend on him.

I think this is not really about this comment - you have ongoing insecurities in your marriage - being married for life is very hard and you can't end it over a single comment .

It sounds like you feel down about life generally - thinking other people appear more fun etc than you.

your husband chose you for good reasons - I think you should have counselling or something like that with him to move on if you can. And maybe go out and have fun with him?

the comment is really bad tbh- he should not have said that to a group of people but - marriages have bumps - I think you need to focus more overall on how the marriage is and what needs work.

it's far too easy for people on mumsnet to say oh leave him etc, thats not how life works.

This 'friend' who told is not a real friend. Honestly - who does that?

I think your DH is an idiot for saying that in a group situation.But then again, how would we all fare if every conversation with friends got back to our partners?

Just a shitty thing for this friend to do, tbh. By the sounds of it you don't hve anything to worry about, but I can see why this would hurt.

As others have already said, they all sound like immature, shit-stirring dicks. The friends for asking the question in the first place (frankly mind blowing and off the scale disrespectful to you), your DH for even entertaining it, never mind his actual response, and the “friend” who told you. Easy for me to say, but sounds like you’d be better off without any of them.

I’d tell. If I heard a friends husband saying that, I’d tell her. Privately, empathetically. But I would not hear it and then pretend I didn’t know. And I’d want to know.

It's crazy to me that you would even ask if you're making too big a deal out of this. You're clearly underreacting. Are you scared that you'll lose him if you react appropriately?

She's the one that got away for him and likely always will be, she's the ideal he holds you up to. If he kept that to himself and you never found out then okay, whatever. But not only does he keep her in his life, he actively tells people that know you all that he fancies her more than he does you.

He deliberately lied about the nature of their relationship to you early on because keeping her around meant more to him than being honest with you.

How do you come back from that? He cheated on you with her. He is more attracted to her than he is you. He would have her back in a heartbeat if he could. I couldn't put up with the embarrassment of this being my man.

I would leave. You will someday find someone who thinks you're amazing, the best thing he's ever laid his eyes on, and be delighted to be yours.

I'm just so sorry it took until after marriage and having a child to find out the truth.

The “friend” who told you this is nasty and you don’t even know if she has distorted what was said. If it’s reported accurately yanbu to feel upset.

Hmm.... I'm afraid that I wonder if something worse/slightly worse has happened but this is the thing the friend feels she can safely tell you about. She saw it directly, other stuff might be rumour.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with the statement as such, you say yourself that the ex is objectively gorgeous and you are plain. And he did add that it's not the looks that count.
Your 'friend' is a total shit-stirrer though.

The husband admitted it but downplayed and I think said it was a stupid thing to say. But he didn't deny it.

Maybe ive been single for too long, but to be honest, that would kill it for me.

He lied to you on the second date. Then cheated on you and you still got married and had kids. No wonder youre feeling insecure.
Also telling everyone he finds his ex prettier than you is just awful. I would feel so humiliated. Not sure if i could come back from that.

He lied to you and cheated on you. Yes a kiss, even if early days, is still cheating.
That is not a good basis for a relationship.

It was insensitive, but with the follow up statement about looks not mattering I'd get over it. I should say I am a very 'one strike and you're out' kind of person generally, however;

EXH was objectively attractive. Physically took care of himself and would probably score 8.5 out of 10 on a general consensus.

He was also a nasty selfish abusive prick.

DP whom I have been with for 5 years is objectively less attractive, certainly more normal/average looking. However he is the best thing I have ever seen and I would still love him if he grew a second head.

I am a very average looking person also, and that's fine. His delivery was probably unnecessary but it doesn't sound like the end of the world.

And your friend should be kept at arms length.

The friend is definitely in a 'shoot the messenger' role here.

She's not made it up - she took the chance the OP would want to know.

If something hasn't happened that's even worse, I'd stake my mortgage on others in the group speculating.

Personally, I'd keep an eye and be grateful someone gave me the head's up.

Not sure I'd leave immediately - that sounds very drastic - but watch yourself OP.

Why do so many women paint other women as trouble makers or gossips when they tell their friends that their partner has behaved badly? Would you all rather live in ignorance? Do you not expect loyalty from your friends? It's utterly bizarre to me, and I wonder what drives women like you, to label a woman as having bad intentions based on such little information? That's a genuine question, I don't get it at all.

Looks like he's got a little bit of a pattern in how he treats women.