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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told his friend he thinks his ex is more attractive than I am

181 replies

Grilledy · 12/11/2025 02:31

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married 3 and we have a 1 year old DS. DH is loosely friends with one of his exes, not super close, they don’t meet up alone, she’s married. They stayed friends as he claimed that he realised their personalities weren’t compatible in a relationship but were good in a friendship. I’ve met her, she seems nice enough.
I have always had slight issues with her, mainly as when DH and I were still dating he failed to mention that he had ever been with her (he told me he had been single for 5 years, really he had been single for 2, with her for 2 then single again for 1. This caused an argument at the time but he said he didn’t mention as it was only our second date and he didn’t want me to question their friendship as it mattered to him. He also admitted a few months in to our relationship that he had kissed her while drunk on a night out, but it was very early days for us.
I let it go, we’ve been great since and I have never really doubted his devotion to our family. Our marriage isn’t perfect but who’s is?

Anyway tonight I was talking to one of his friends who I’ve become friends with too, she told me she wasn’t trying to cause drama but that a few weeks ago DH and all his friends had been out, including his ex and DH apparently said to several of his friends “ex is fit though, she was always fit” someone then asked if she was more attractive than me and he apparently replied “yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks”. Obviously this has left me a little stunned. While I appreciate it’s normal while in a relationship to still be able to appreciate that other people are attractive, something about him being so forthcoming about thinking his ex is more attractive feels really hurtful and wrong.
I’m not necessarily shocked he thinks that, I’ve always felt I’m quite plain and his ex is objectively gorgeous, however I’d never have thought he’d say that.
I asked DH about it, he apologised and said he was drunk, reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous, and told me it was a stupid and untrue thing for him to say.

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s keeping me awake it hurts so much. This will sound silly and I know that but it’s triggering a lot of insecurity. I don’t know if anyone will relate to this but sometimes I feel like when we all go out together, he just behaves different around her, not in a show off way, he just seems very relaxed with her and I always notice the way he looks at her, sometimes it’s like he has to do a double take when she walks in etc. She is married and seems like a lovely woman and I don’t think she would cheat on her husband and I’d hope DH wouldn’t cheat on me but now I can’t get this thought out my head that he may have settled on me.
I also worry that personality wise I’m just a bit boring for him, sometimes his friends including his ex send little videos into the group chat (which I’m part of) and they might be dancing around or just doing something silly or teaching their kids 2000s pop music etc. in the car or whatever and he will say things like “god I love the way they just have fun with life”. I’m quite highly strung, more so since having DS but I was never really the fun travel stories, adrenaline activities, clubbing type of person DH and his friends/ex are.

AIBU to be really worried? Should I just accept the apology and move on or is this a bigger deal than I want it to be?

OP posts:
Sevenamcoffee · 12/11/2025 07:33

I would be spelling out to him that he needs to grow up and be respectful towards you or you will move on. He sounds pretty immature as do the friends. Reclaim some of your power and boundaries here op and maybe talking to a counsellor about it could help.

Dancingsquirrels · 12/11/2025 07:46

WaryHiker · 12/11/2025 02:55

This man has disrespected you from the very start of your relationship, so this latest thing can't have come as all that much of a surprise.

Most people wouldn't have got past the initial thumping great lie about having been single for five years, let alone him cheating on you by kissing her - drunk or not. You say you have poor self-esteem, which is probably why you didn't dump him on the spot, which was your first mistake.

I think the standard you have already accepted from him is the standard you're always going to get from him. It's up to you what you want to do about that.

It's obvious you would never consider leaving him, given that you got together with him while he was waving so many red flags. At very least, I would be insisting on going to couples counselling and talking through these issues with an independent third party. I would hope this would give him enough self-awareness to pull back very heavily from contact with this woman. But I'm not convinced he's a decent enough person for this to happen.

Agree with this

DH is not on your team

SomethingFun · 12/11/2025 07:47

Is he a millionaire model with an award for cunnilingus skills and the world’s biggest philanthropist? No? I know he’s your husband but he’s just yet another average bloke who thinks he’s the centre of the universe. You deserve better than feeling like you’re second place and he’s utterly deluded if he thinks he’s still in with a chance with her and that you are also willing to put up with this bullshit when you’re the one who has married him and had his child.

Whether the friend is a shit stirrer or not, he gave her the shit to stir and if he had any respect for you in this situation he wouldn’t have done that.

I’d be fucking furious to be talked about this way, not worrying I’m not good enough. He’s not good enough for you op.

researchers3 · 12/11/2025 07:47

Nevernonono · 12/11/2025 02:36

Why on earth did your “friend” tell tales to you! No, he shouldn’t have said it, but telling tales on him was ridiculous.

Watch her, she’s trouble.

Or giving you a heads up.

I think he's still into her. He's going to tell you what you want to hear but you are, rightfully, listening to his behaviour.

Starlight7080 · 12/11/2025 07:52

I think it comes down to respect. You have a child together and 7 years is a lot more then 2.
But really no matter what was in his head he should have shut the conversation down. He didnt need to reply.
He was disrespectful but also his friends for making it a conversation in the first place.
It sounds exceptionally childish.
Looks fade even on the most beautiful person.
He needs to get over his ex and appreciate you more.

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 12/11/2025 07:54

Be careful around your “friend”. How are things in general with DH. I would be embarrassed if he had said this about me in front of his friends and would struggle to get over it. It sounds like his ex may be the one that got away?

researchers3 · 12/11/2025 07:58

Wheretoholiday71 · 12/11/2025 07:03

I would say Im pretty easy going in a relationship, I think once you have loyalty, respect, kindness and trust then nothing else is really a big deal, comments wouldnt usually be something I would get upset over we all know there are women/men out there much more beautiful than us etc etc, but I hate to say this in my opinion he has been totally disrespectful to you all along.
He didnt tell you about the relationship as he wanted to stay friends with her and their friendship meant a lot to him, so he started off the relationship with a lie, a stupid small lie but a lie to benefit himself all the same. Also why did he lie? Why would it have been a problem if they were genuinely just friends? If DH in the early days said to me that he was in a relationship 2 years ago with X it didnt work out romantically, but we've remained good friends and turns out we are much better as friends, we often all meet up as a group etc...that would be absolutely fine with me as he's been open & honest about it, theres nothing to hide, they are just friends. What made him bring her up in conversation on the 2nd date for him to feel then need to lie/explain they were just friends with no history?

He then kissed her when you were together (I get it was early days but if the relationship is over and they are just friends why is he kissing her?) So the trust has been broken.
And now he has totally disrespected you infront of all of his friends by firstly going around commenting on his ex and how great she looks, and secondly actually admitting he finds her more attractive than you...his wife...the mother of his child.
I totally get appreciating other people, we all do it, i think its an important part of life being able to appreciate a good looking person, but this is his ex were talking about, they are out together in the same friend group, and sounds like he was offering up comments on how fit he thought she was to anyone who would listen. Its not a case of his friend asked him randomly if he thought she was better looking and he said objectively yes but its not all about looks...that may have been different, but he was offering up the comments on how fit she was without anyone asking, this is not a random woman he spotted at the bar, this is a woman he lied about to you so they could remain close, the same person he then essentially cheated on you with in the early days of your relationship.
Im so sorry but he sounds awful and completely disrespectful. He might be great in other aspects of life, or day to day a great husband but when it comes down to it he is disrespecting you.
I dont know where I would go from here but I think I'd be asking him a lot of questions. The friend who told you might have been stirring drama but essentially she was just telling you the truth, maybe she seen how you were being disrespected and thought it better to let you know rather than to leave you totally blindsided (as i would hope my friends would do for me)
*edited for spelling error

Edited
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Great post.

I spent much of my marriage in this kind of scenario, he eventually left me for one of the many women he had crushes on throughout, when she became single and was lonely for a while.

The13thFairy · 12/11/2025 08:06

That 'friend' who told you what your husband said? She absolutely was trying to cause drama. She is not a friend to your marriage. Keep an eye on her.

JadeSquid · 12/11/2025 08:07

I would try and work on the highly strung thing. That does get exhausting.

NeedToKnow101 · 12/11/2025 08:12

My first thought was your ‘friend’ is a bitch. And a cunt.

Elektra1 · 12/11/2025 08:12

The person who conveyed this message to you is a bitch and a stirrer, and I’d cool off any friendship with her immediately. Stupid comment from your DH but genuinely malicious of the woman who communicated it to you.

Didimum · 12/11/2025 08:12

Our marriage isn’t perfect but who’s is?

If the imperfection in my marriage is my DH being shady with an ex, then that’s 100% a no.

‘Isn’t perfect’ is arguing about the dishwasher.

Didimum · 12/11/2025 08:15

Grilledy · 12/11/2025 02:37

I think she is a bit of a drama llama, she loves to gossip so I generally keep my distance but she is part of the wider group so hard to avoid totally and generally she’s very friendly and nice if you just want a chat. Not someone I’d say is my best friend but someone I get on with okay.

Show quote history

I think it’s more likely this friend actually knows more is going on and is trying to warn you innocuously.

PicaK · 12/11/2025 08:15

He said "Yeah for sure - but it's not all about looks"

So it's not great to be ranked less pretty than someone else. But I think this statement shows he values you as an all round person and is actually disrespectful to the other lady.

He chose you.

gannett · 12/11/2025 08:18

I think a huge amount of people would say the person they end up marrying might not be the best-looking person they've ever gone out with, but it's not all about looks. It's something I've read on MN a ton of times, anyway. The important bit of the sentence is "it's not all about looks" which most people realise as they get older.

The other thing most people do as they get older is to learn to apply "it's not all about looks" to themselves, ie they work on their insecurities with a view to getting rid of them. I think I look shit hot, obviously, but I'm in my 40s and the idea that another woman might be hotter is just not something that bothers me in the slightest.

The friend who asked him to compare the OP to the ex, and the friend who then told her all about it, are massive shit-stirrers and not to be trusted.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/11/2025 08:18

Ugh. He’s already lied to you about her. Now he’s done this. I don’t know why the woman who told you is getting such shit. She wasn’t lying, he admitted it, I’d be glad she told me. What TF else is he saying when out? I would struggle to come back from this if it was me. He sounds immature at best, and clearly, in my eyes at least, you can’t trust him not to put you down if he’s out having a drink. What will he do next time? Up to you what you do, if anything. Maybe just stay vigilant and be aware. Sounds exhausting though. I’m sorry you are married to an immature liar op.

BlueDwarf · 12/11/2025 08:19

TattooStan · 12/11/2025 05:41

Good for you for not being as judgemental as me!

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No, no, you were right.

Wheretoholiday71 · 12/11/2025 08:22

Im so suprised that the woman is coming out as the problem here...such a truly outdated way of looking at things. Men shouldn't be allowed to get away with cheating, and women are not automatically shit stirring bitches because they tell their friend the truth.
This man lied to op at the start of the relationship about this woman, he then cheated with this woman and told op months later, op has noticed how he looks at this woman and does a double take when she enters the room, he has made comments that his biggest regret is the way he loved people and didnt appreciate them enough in the past basically, and now he is offering his opinion on how fit this woman is while at the bar with her & his friends, and when his friends ask a totally unacceptable question in regard to who is better looking this woman or HIS WIFE, he doesnt shut down the conversation he answers and says he finds this woman more attractive. Im sorry but the man is the problem here!!
The friend has literally told op the truth, she didnt make something up, the husband gave her the shit to stir. And maybe she hated seeing op being treated so disrespectfully (i assume this friend knows he has kissed this woman in the past) so maybe she is giving op a heads up on what DH is doing behind her back.
The amount of women on here blaming the woman for telling her friend the truth is worrying!
If I was out and my friends DH was salivating over his ex that he had previously cheated on my friend with, openly offering up comments on how fit he thinks she is, and stating that he finds her more attractive than my friend...his wife and mother of his child, I would absolutely tell my friend. Not for drama at all, but because I would not be a good friend if I didnt, imagine next week he cheats on my friend with said woman, and she comes crying to me saying there were no signs and she didnt see it coming etc etc and I am sat there knowing he has been disrespecting her and salivating over this woman openly behind her back...i could not do that to any friend of mine. And I hope my friends would always tell me if my husband was doing the same. General lads banter no issues, don't need to know, but disrespecting me infront of our friends in regard to an ex whom he has already cheated with...that is different

ButtonMushrooms · 12/11/2025 08:22

I would try to get past this OP. Your DH is right, it's not all about looks. Even if he does find her more objectively attractive than you, why does ending up with the person he loves and values and thinks is wonderful mean that he has "settled"? I'm sure this is how he thinks of you. Don't let this eat away at you @Grilledy.

SpaceRaccoon · 12/11/2025 08:28

This would be it for me, I'm nobody's second best.
I appreciate it's harder with a young child involved, I'm really sorry OP.

thecrakenwakes · 12/11/2025 08:31

WaryHiker · 12/11/2025 02:55

This man has disrespected you from the very start of your relationship, so this latest thing can't have come as all that much of a surprise.

Most people wouldn't have got past the initial thumping great lie about having been single for five years, let alone him cheating on you by kissing her - drunk or not. You say you have poor self-esteem, which is probably why you didn't dump him on the spot, which was your first mistake.

I think the standard you have already accepted from him is the standard you're always going to get from him. It's up to you what you want to do about that.

It's obvious you would never consider leaving him, given that you got together with him while he was waving so many red flags. At very least, I would be insisting on going to couples counselling and talking through these issues with an independent third party. I would hope this would give him enough self-awareness to pull back very heavily from contact with this woman. But I'm not convinced he's a decent enough person for this to happen.

This nails it ^

MissDoubleU · 12/11/2025 08:33

So now he’s telling you to your face it’s an untrue thing to say? Another lie? Because frankly, if it was untrue, he wouldn’t have said it. Drunk or sober. Any good husband would answer “my wife is the most beautiful to me” or something with any vague level of respect for you. Don’t just roll over and accept more bullshit from this man who says only whatever makes him look better to you.

Also perhaps the friend isn’t just stirring drama. Perhaps she’s trying to wake you up to something that happens regularly behind your back and apparently, right in front of your eyes. That is your husband drooling over this other woman. Idk, if I felt my friend was disrespecting their wife continually by fawning all over another lady I might think it was about time the wife have her eyes opened.

If others are seeing it and uncomfortable by it, maybe you should be.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 12/11/2025 08:38

NeedToKnow101 · 12/11/2025 08:12

My first thought was your ‘friend’ is a bitch. And a cunt.

Gosh nasty. I think it was the DH that was the cunt tbh. Honestly, the lengths some people will go to to always find a woman to blame for a man’s misdeeds. Wild.

Would you want a friend to tell you if your partner cheated on you? I assume not. We should always cover up for the poor men…

Sparklinggreen · 12/11/2025 08:40

Communicate your feelings to him and the disrespect you feel (some men don’t get it!) and give him chance to show you how important you are to him (compares to her), that is likely the only way you will be able to move past this.

way too much focus on the messenger in these posts

ISpyNoPlumPie · 12/11/2025 08:41

The13thFairy · 12/11/2025 08:06

That 'friend' who told you what your husband said? She absolutely was trying to cause drama. She is not a friend to your marriage. Keep an eye on her.

I can’t say it enough. It is the HUSBAND who is not a friend to her marriage. The HUSBAND.

Whether the OP knows or not, the husband still said it. Some people like to bury their heads in the sand. I’d rather have the truth - particularly when other people who are not in my marriage have this information. Who wants to be a pitied and lied to fool?