DH told his friend he thinks his ex is more attractive than I am

[Grilledy]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married 3 and we have a 1 year old DS. DH is loosely friends with one of his exes, not super close, they don’t meet up alone, she’s married. They stayed friends as he claimed that he realised their personalities weren’t compatible in a relationship but were good in a friendship. I’ve met her, she seems nice enough.
I have always had slight issues with her, mainly as when DH and I were still dating he failed to mention that he had ever been with her (he told me he had been single for 5 years, really he had been single for 2, with her for 2 then single again for 1. This caused an argument at the time but he said he didn’t mention as it was only our second date and he didn’t want me to question their friendship as it mattered to him. He also admitted a few months in to our relationship that he had kissed her while drunk on a night out, but it was very early days for us.
I let it go, we’ve been great since and I have never really doubted his devotion to our family. Our marriage isn’t perfect but who’s is?

Anyway tonight I was talking to one of his friends who I’ve become friends with too, she told me she wasn’t trying to cause drama but that a few weeks ago DH and all his friends had been out, including his ex and DH apparently said to several of his friends “ex is fit though, she was always fit” someone then asked if she was more attractive than me and he apparently replied “yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks”. Obviously this has left me a little stunned. While I appreciate it’s normal while in a relationship to still be able to appreciate that other people are attractive, something about him being so forthcoming about thinking his ex is more attractive feels really hurtful and wrong.
I’m not necessarily shocked he thinks that, I’ve always felt I’m quite plain and his ex is objectively gorgeous, however I’d never have thought he’d say that.
I asked DH about it, he apologised and said he was drunk, reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous, and told me it was a stupid and untrue thing for him to say.

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s keeping me awake it hurts so much. This will sound silly and I know that but it’s triggering a lot of insecurity. I don’t know if anyone will relate to this but sometimes I feel like when we all go out together, he just behaves different around her, not in a show off way, he just seems very relaxed with her and I always notice the way he looks at her, sometimes it’s like he has to do a double take when she walks in etc. She is married and seems like a lovely woman and I don’t think she would cheat on her husband and I’d hope DH wouldn’t cheat on me but now I can’t get this thought out my head that he may have settled on me.
I also worry that personality wise I’m just a bit boring for him, sometimes his friends including his ex send little videos into the group chat (which I’m part of) and they might be dancing around or just doing something silly or teaching their kids 2000s pop music etc. in the car or whatever and he will say things like “god I love the way they just have fun with life”. I’m quite highly strung, more so since having DS but I was never really the fun travel stories, adrenaline activities, clubbing type of person DH and his friends/ex are.

AIBU to be really worried? Should I just accept the apology and move on or is this a bigger deal than I want it to be?

Obviously you have a lot to think of and whether it is enough to make you rethink your entire marriage, but I would be heartbroken if my partner talked about me like that in front of friends. Yeah the person who told you might be trying to stir up drama… or she just saw it for the disrespect that it was and decided to tell you so you can open your eyes.

While I think exes can remain friendly acquaintances, this would be way too close for comfort to me - especially seeing he seems hung up on her.

How is the friend the problem?!

This 'friend' who told you is a bitch

I personally don’t like gossips and people that tell tales…. That’s not what I call a friend.

As MANY have said here.

But you do you!

I’d be so hurt. And he’s humiliated you in front of all his mates, to add insult to injury.

I don’t either but I think the focus of the issue is what OP’s DH said to everyone. If he kept his mouth shut, there would have been nothing to tell.

OP’s DH is at fault here, he humiliated her publicly, that should be the focus, but you do you!

Women have extraordinary power to hurt other women and this is a prime example.

he's an arsewipe as well

Your friend who doesn’t want to cause drama is a liar.
DH is a low life. You should have walked when he kissed his ex- the writing was on the wall.

Great friend! 🙄

Now this has got you thinking about all the things you aren't, without considering all the things that you are! OK, maybe she's pretty and can be silly, but I'm sure there are MANY things that you are, which she is not! Comparison really is the thief of joy.

If you were happy with your marriage before this, don't let it throw you off track. He was just too honest for his own good. She may be pretty, but it doesn't mean that she's the right one for him - it sounds like YOU are the right one for him! And I think that's what he was saying when he said it's not all about looks.

I can see that this has been a confidence knock, and I don't blame you for feeling that way. Write a long list of good things about yourself and all the things that make you uniquely you. Forget about her - focus on yourself. Maybe you can get into doing something that you used to enjoy but no longer do? Take a class in something? Anything to get your focus back to your own life and not comparing and thinking about her or looking for problems in your marriage where likely none exist.

You are uniquely you, my dear. 💐

ETA: I also don't agree with all the comments here calling him every name under the sun and saying how dreadful he is and how you should never have been together etc. Typical MN response from people who demand super-human standards, and very wearying. He said 5 years single because it was only your second date and he didn't know if you were the jealous type, and the kiss happened in the early days too. In those early times you really owe each other nothing. I'm not sure how much I would tell someone on the second date, and at least he told you about the kiss! You've been perfectly happy up to now, and that's what counts. I hope you're not influenced by so many angry posters encouraging you to throw a perfectly happy marriage away.

Weird take. I’d want to know if my DH said this. Otherwise it’s a betrayal and a deceit. Other people heard so you get to be pitied behind your back. No thanks.

Couldn’t agree more. You know who this man is and you tolerate it.

"He was just too honest for his own good."

Her first post lays out exactly how much of a liar he is!

This!

It was the second date, and he didn't feel like sharing everything. That's OK. As for the early-days kiss with her, he told OP about it!

I thought the same, but yes, I know I’m also judgmental 🙈

That friend is no friend.

Personally I find the fawning over ex and the double takes more troubling than the comment which, while classic drunken overspeak, does not suggest he regrets being with you.
I guess you have to ask if you can move on from this, but I would tell him that your distress is caused by his overall behaviour with his ex rather than just that comment because he really needs to stop disrespecting you.

And the nasty tell take friend.

Same here!

Do you realise how much you minimise and make excuses for other people's shocking behaviour?

This thread is full of you excusing other people for treating you like shit

Why on earth do you see yourself as so unimportant? Why do you have so little self esteem and self worth

People are walking all over your feelings and you're excusing them.

What do you want from this thread?

Is your husband wrong and has he treated you badly over the years? Yes. He has. No excuses. HE HAS DISRESPECTED YOU AND TREATED YOU AS THOUGH YOU'RE UNIMPORTANT

No excuses

Fact

The "friend" who told you what he said about his exes appearance v your appearance was BEING A BITCH

No excuses

Shes a fucking bitch

Find your power and your anger. Stop allowing people to treat you like shit. STOP BEING passive.

I’d struggle to get over this tbh. It’s like he’s tarnished your relationship. But I would want to try as it’s a big deal to break up a family.

I would say Im pretty easy going in a relationship, I think once you have loyalty, respect, kindness and trust then nothing else is really a big deal, comments wouldnt usually be something I would get upset over we all know there are women/men out there much more beautiful than us etc etc, but I hate to say this in my opinion he has been totally disrespectful to you all along.
He didnt tell you about the relationship as he wanted to stay friends with her and their friendship meant a lot to him, so he started off the relationship with a lie, a stupid small lie but a lie to benefit himself all the same. Also why did he lie? Why would it have been a problem if they were genuinely just friends? If DH in the early days said to me that he was in a relationship 2 years ago with X it didnt work out romantically, but we've remained good friends and turns out we are much better as friends, we often all meet up as a group etc...that would be absolutely fine with me as he's been open & honest about it, theres nothing to hide, they are just friends. What made him bring her up in conversation on the 2nd date for him to feel then need to lie/explain they were just friends with no history?

He then kissed her when you were together (I get it was early days but if the relationship is over and they are just friends why is he kissing her?) So the trust has been broken.
And now he has totally disrespected you infront of all of his friends by firstly going around commenting on his ex and how great she looks, and secondly actually admitting he finds her more attractive than you...his wife...the mother of his child.
I totally get appreciating other people, we all do it, i think its an important part of life being able to appreciate a good looking person, but this is his ex were talking about, they are out together in the same friend group, and sounds like he was offering up comments on how fit he thought she was to anyone who would listen. Its not a case of his friend asked him randomly if he thought she was better looking and he said objectively yes but its not all about looks...that may have been different, but he was offering up the comments on how fit she was without anyone asking, this is not a random woman he spotted at the bar, this is a woman he lied about to you so they could remain close, the same person he then essentially cheated on you with in the early days of your relationship.
Im so sorry but he sounds awful and completely disrespectful. He might be great in other aspects of life, or day to day a great husband but when it comes down to it he is disrespecting you.
I dont know where I would go from here but I think I'd be asking him a lot of questions. The friend who told you might have been stirring drama but essentially she was just telling you the truth, maybe she seen how you were being disrespected and thought it better to let you know rather than to leave you totally blindsided (as i would hope my friends would do for me)
*edited for spelling error

Don't think this is true at all in this case. I would hope my friends would tell me if my DH was disrespecting me behind my back like this. For me the friend was more loyal than the husband in this situation. I would be devastated to know I was being made a fool of behind my back by my husband and his friend group probably pitying me/laughing/commenting behind my back. Also there was a reason they asked him that question.
I wouldn't be suprised if friend told op about the comments so she wouldn't be totally blindsided if the day comes where he kisses this woman again. To me if you are married/in a serious relationship, have dc, you dont spend time at the bar with friends offering up how fit you think ex is (the same ex you kissed while starting a new relationship with your now wife)
The friend is absolutely not the problem here and I would be greatful to her, drama or no drama I would rather know that this is what my dh is like behind my back.

Not sure why the messenger is getting shot - I'd want to know if my DH was acting like a love sick puppy over his ex and making comments out loud about how attractive she is. Comments which disrespect his wife and could make everyone, including the ex, feel uncomfortable.

As PP said up thread, she's his one who got away. Only you can decide whether you're happy being second to that ideal.

It sounds as if he finds it hard to appreciate and respect what he has. This applies to both when he was with his ex and now with you. He is completely taking you for granted and I think a frank conversation is required. Not about whether he finds his ex more attractive but rather he needs to be reminded that you have chosen to be with him and you can choose to walk away if he disrespects you. If I was you, I’d get some therapy to work on your self confidence and boundaries.

For me this is such a strange take as if my friend was being totally disrespected by her DH behind her back in regard to her ex I would absolutely tell her, not to cause drama but so that she is not being blindsided by her husband.
I would hope my friends would always tell me too. I actively avoid drama but I absolutely want to know if my husband is constantly talking about how fit his ex is, and saying shes more attractive than me. He has kissed this woman while in a relationship with op...its not random lads banter, this is a woman he has lied about to op in the past. Id be greatful to the friend that im aware of what's being said about me behind my back by my husband. If it was something stupid a friend said about me I don't want to know, but this i absolutely do!