DH told his friend he thinks his ex is more attractive than I am

[Grilledy]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married 3 and we have a 1 year old DS. DH is loosely friends with one of his exes, not super close, they don’t meet up alone, she’s married. They stayed friends as he claimed that he realised their personalities weren’t compatible in a relationship but were good in a friendship. I’ve met her, she seems nice enough.
I have always had slight issues with her, mainly as when DH and I were still dating he failed to mention that he had ever been with her (he told me he had been single for 5 years, really he had been single for 2, with her for 2 then single again for 1. This caused an argument at the time but he said he didn’t mention as it was only our second date and he didn’t want me to question their friendship as it mattered to him. He also admitted a few months in to our relationship that he had kissed her while drunk on a night out, but it was very early days for us.
I let it go, we’ve been great since and I have never really doubted his devotion to our family. Our marriage isn’t perfect but who’s is?

Anyway tonight I was talking to one of his friends who I’ve become friends with too, she told me she wasn’t trying to cause drama but that a few weeks ago DH and all his friends had been out, including his ex and DH apparently said to several of his friends “ex is fit though, she was always fit” someone then asked if she was more attractive than me and he apparently replied “yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks”. Obviously this has left me a little stunned. While I appreciate it’s normal while in a relationship to still be able to appreciate that other people are attractive, something about him being so forthcoming about thinking his ex is more attractive feels really hurtful and wrong.
I’m not necessarily shocked he thinks that, I’ve always felt I’m quite plain and his ex is objectively gorgeous, however I’d never have thought he’d say that.
I asked DH about it, he apologised and said he was drunk, reassured me that he thinks I’m gorgeous, and told me it was a stupid and untrue thing for him to say.

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s keeping me awake it hurts so much. This will sound silly and I know that but it’s triggering a lot of insecurity. I don’t know if anyone will relate to this but sometimes I feel like when we all go out together, he just behaves different around her, not in a show off way, he just seems very relaxed with her and I always notice the way he looks at her, sometimes it’s like he has to do a double take when she walks in etc. She is married and seems like a lovely woman and I don’t think she would cheat on her husband and I’d hope DH wouldn’t cheat on me but now I can’t get this thought out my head that he may have settled on me.
I also worry that personality wise I’m just a bit boring for him, sometimes his friends including his ex send little videos into the group chat (which I’m part of) and they might be dancing around or just doing something silly or teaching their kids 2000s pop music etc. in the car or whatever and he will say things like “god I love the way they just have fun with life”. I’m quite highly strung, more so since having DS but I was never really the fun travel stories, adrenaline activities, clubbing type of person DH and his friends/ex are.

AIBU to be really worried? Should I just accept the apology and move on or is this a bigger deal than I want it to be?

Same here. I’ve had a couple of exes who were more attractive aesthetically than my husband. What they lacked was his character, his humour, his dependability, him being a partner in a relationship. My life would not be as good if I had settled down with either of those men. I’d probably been divorced by now. You might be attracted by the aesthetic but you fall in love with the whole package. One of my husband’s exes is way more attractive than I am. The main reason she’s an ex is, he couldn’t deal with the amount of time she took on her appearance, and her unwillingness to ever get her hands dirty in a situation.

@Grilledy If you are insecure in your relationship, it isn’t about a single individual, there’s more at play than that.

This sounds like an awful way to live your life @Grilledy It is making me think of how I feel when I’m with my in-laws - I’m just a different sort of person than them and after a few days it starts to wear away at my self esteem. So I just avoid longer stays as much as I reasonably can. But this is your life, and it’s not avoidable.

It’s horrible to be made to feel less than, especially in your own home and family which should be the one place of peace and acceptance.

I think you’ve settled for the wrong guy. And I think your lack of self esteem tricked you into thinking that he was what you deserved. You didn’t walk away when he lied or cheated. It’s not really surprising that you’re highly strung in the circumstances. I think you should give very serious consideration to whether you might be better off if you left him.

The likelihood is that if you left him, he would get back together with her, and she’d be your dc’s sm. That’s a huge price to pay, but would that be worse than having her casting a shadow over your life anyway?

I don't think I could have tolerated the kiss at the start of the relationship and I certainly couldn't have remained in the relationship with him remaining friends with someone he cheated on me with.

I think the comment he made would have been forgivable (although still upsetting) on it's own as let's face it there's always going to be someone prettier, someone funnier, someone more outgoing etc but I think with the history and everything else it's perhaps the straw that broke the camels back.

I'd feel really disrespected not just by him but his friends who asked him the question in the first place. From everything you've said, it sounds like he regrets dumping her and I wouldn't want to be anyone's second choice.

Not sure what practical advice to offer for moving past it other than maybe some therapy to help with your insecurities you mentioned?

Completely agree with this. We had a troublemaker like that in my previous job. She used to take younger girls in our office "under her wing" so to speak and before we knew it, we had breakups, divorces etc.

@Grilledy I wouldn't necessarily trust everything this "friend" of yours says. Even if a conversation like that did take place, I wouldn't expect friends to go around passing it on.

Wow, your DHs friends sound like a right bunch of stirrers. One asking if he thinks his ex is better looking than his wife, another rushing to tell you

It sounds like he is doing the same to you.

If you broke up he’d probably be drunk telling his friends that you are fitter than whoever the next person he gets with is. Intentionally or unintentionally he is making you feel insecure with all these little comparisons and omissions. It sounds like he treated ex the same when they were together.

Try to avoid comparing yourself to the other woman and to feel proud and confident in who you are. If DH keeps doing and saying things to make you feel insecure (as you say, OW is not going to break up her marriage so what is he getting out of this other than making you feel bad and having that power) you need to have a frank discussion about how he treats you and put boundaries in place. Consider marriage counselling too.

He continues to show you who he is. Your gut realises and is waiting for you to catch up. Prioritise yourself and your child. Bide your time if you want but get your ducks in a row for the time you get fed up with him and want out. If she called him tomorrow and confessed undying love and left her husband would he go running to her…….?

I usually would say it's ok to he friends with an ex, however I think in your situation, there needs to be distance put between your DH and his ex, especially after his comment on that night out (the friend who told you he said it is a sh*t stirrer, but in a way, maybe it's good that you are aware). Also, why the hell would anyone ask if his ex is fitter than his wife! That sounds like it was deliberated asked to cause trouble.

I appreciate there is a friends group which she is part of, but given the fact he has already kissed her while drunk, albeit a while ago, and everything you have said, it isn't a good idea that she's still so physically present in his life.

I think you guys need to have a serious chat about this otherwise it's going to split you up. You'll need to agree to set boundaries which hopefully can put your mind at ease, and your DH to recognise that this situation isn't nice at all, or fair on you. How would he like it if the situation was reversed?

It's always the messenger that gets shot...if this woman had kept quiet, that wouldn't have been right but she decided to tell the OP, and that still isn't right either! She's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't!! The fact is, she did tell the OP, what she heard. Her husband was drunk, and we all know that our inhibitions are reduced if we've consumed alcohol. We also know, when someone has consumed alcohol, they're more likely to tell the truth. Clearly the OP's husband still finds his ex attractive but it doesn't mean his ex feels the same! Yes, they've kept in touch but she's also married. There's no suggestion that the ex is still interested in the OP's husband or is unhappy in her marriage. Finding someone attractive isn't a crime. However, the OP's husband publicily told all his friends that his ex is hot and his wife isn't as much but it's OK, as looks aren't everything!! I'm sat here cringing for the OP. Yes, he humiliated her, and she's got every right to feel upset. OP, you need to stop comparing yourself to this woman. You aren't her, she's not you. You are two individual people, with different personalities and qualities. You need to make it very plain to your husband that you are angry with him, that his comment wasn't acceptable and he needs to step back from his friendship with his ex. Tell him, that not only did he humiliate you, but he's made himself look like a twat and he'd better hope no one tells her husband!!

My ex is way more attractive than my husband. But my husband is more clever, utterly devoted to his family and earns more!
I would tell my husband exactly what this supposed friend said, give her a wide berth and carry on as you were. Don’t let insecurity ruin a good marriage

I don't think anyone here (other than you) has behaved particularly well here.

I don't think that your DP thinking that you're less physically attractive than his ex is wrong particularly though. My DP isn't the most attractive person I've ever been out with, she is the one I've loved the most though.

Where your DP went wrong is actually admitting it. Drunk or not, it's so much easier to just say "Yes, she's the hottest person I've ever been out with.

His friend who asked the question is an immature knob head, who was just trying to put him in an awkward position. And the friend who told you is a shit stirring dickhead as well.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being friends with exes, me and DP both have a few, but it requires a bit more maturity than this group seem to have.

This is a really extremely unpleasant thing to say.

I actually don't believe this alleged conversation your 'friend' is telling you about in order not to rock the boat and definitely not to stir shit...

If a guy said someone was fit, nobody, I mean nobody would respond with 'do you think she is fitter than your girlfriend?' they just wouldn't. Not an adult with an IQ above double figures.

Why would someone want or need to know the answer to that question? They have eyes and know what two different people look like.

Sounds like a load of absolute cobblers if you ask me. Some 'friend'.

She’s the one that got away all right. Urgh, I’d not want him to see her anymore. Actually, I’d not want to be with him anymore, I couldn’t handle being second best, and everyone else knowing it too.

I also worry that personality wise I’m just a bit boring for him, sometimes his friends including his ex send little videos into the group chat (which I’m part of) and they might be dancing around or just doing something silly or teaching their kids 2000s pop music etc. in the car or whatever and he will say things like “god I love the way they just have fun with life”. I’m quite highly strung

Your husband sounds passive aggressive. In my country it is associated with spineless men, it is not a good look. English is not my first language so maybe I’m misinterpreting it, but do men in this country really say “God I love the way they just have fun with life!” to a video of women dancing with their kids, unless they’re trying to get across a point? It sounds very unnatural and theatrical to me.

That, along with the lying about how long he had been single when meeting you, he sounds manipulative. I can imagine a lot of what he says it carefully put together to make you think and assume certain things. Especially if he knows you are “highly strung” as you describe yourself.

Also not only is the woman who relayed the story to you not your friend, who is the sly person in the story who said “Is she fitter than OP?” (Why is nobody talking about this??) How unnecessary, why was your name even been brought into this? And to use it to compare against her as well? You’re his wife and mother to his child, not some ‘bird’ he’s ’knocking about with’ they should show more respect.

Maybe they are nice people in real life but from what you have written, your DH and the company he chooses to keep sound a bit slimy.

I agree.

How horrible for you. You are now deep in a committed relationship with a man who is not only a liar, but is shockingly disloyal and disrespectful of you. And I think this is what you should be focusing on, not whether you're good enough for him compared with his ex.
She may well be better looking than you, lots of women will be, just as you'll be better looking than a lot if others. That part is just too bad and not important.
What is important is that you should be able to trust your partner not to collude in making demeaning comparisons between you and his ex. Being drunk is no excuse either. No amount of alcohol would cause a decent respectful man to say that.
So where from here? I'd strongly recommend that in any conversations you don't be distracted by whether he meant it, allowing him to fob you off with reassurance about your appearance. Because as I said, whether he meant it is far less important than why he felt it OK to say it.
I'd need to see a strong indicator he understood how belittling and disloyal he'd been and that he was genuinely remorseful for that.

Your friend was being a total bitch telling you that.
Remember he loves you, he married you, he apologised and is trying to reassure you.

Aww, poor him. It reminds me of the Bruno Mars song;

That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

Seriously though, I'd throw my head back and laugh and say, "Gosh, I really can't imagine you two together. She is way out of your league".

Seriously though, I'd throw my head back and laugh and say, "Gosh, I really can't imagine you two together. She is way out of your league”

and trap herself into indirectly saying that she’s a league below his ex too? No. Have some dignity.
I get the impression the DH already thinks he has her under the thumb already but I could be wrong. I’d develope a mild appropriate level of arrogance with him at this point and make some new friends/hobbies outside of his own friendship group.

Yeah definitely watch her. I’m not trying to cause drama but….🙄

Id guess "they" didn't break up. And "they" didn't decide they weren't compatible. She broke up with him and he'll take whatever he can get from her, even if that's just friendship, because he still holds a candle for her.

Id say if he wants to be with you he needs to knock this "friendship" on the head. It was all well and good when you thought he could be trusted. But he has proven he can't be. If he tells you he won't end the friendship you know where you rank.

And we don't even know how long they'd been when he cheated with the ex he is now salivating over publicly - I mean once you're with someone it is never ok anyway, but I think early days is just something the poor OP has been telling herself for years to try to take the sting out of him cheating. We have all been guilty of ignoring red flags in relationships I think, and OP definitely ignored as many as she could stomach to hang on to the man she thinks is a catch. (He was never a catch).

They all sound very immature, your “D”H and his mates could do with laying off the booze, he’s a husband and father now and should have a bit more decorum.

The woman who told you is a fucking bitch and shit stirrer, I wouldn’t have any more to do with any of them personally.