DH said I’m selfish for having a dessert with birthday meal

[Paulaloves]

Apologies if TMI but I suffer from IBS and have certain trigger foods. I largely avoid these but occasionally treat myself when it’s an occasion such as my birthday.

It was my 40th meal at the weekend with friends so I decided to have a dessert i’d usually avoid. In front of our friends, DH acted funny and asked if me having that’s a good idea. When I said yes I will it’s my birthday, he said I was being selfish and it’d be him who has to suffer the consequences later. Really embarrassing in front of company.

Do you think I was being unreasonable?

Even if you would be rolling around lying in bed for two days afterwards, I don't think you're being unreasonable since you have stated it's only an occasional thing. Him making it an issue in front of any person is poor from.

Are you quite well?! A Dutch oven is a cast-iron pot for cooking on an open fire. I own three of them. They have a nice tight lid so you can bake bread in them, hence the “Dutch oven” fart joke.

you don't embarrass people in public, what a dick.

If it was that bad, you'd just go and sleep in the spare room/ on the sofa. No big deal. That would be the only reasonable and acceptable thing to expect from you, without being asked, and privately anyway!

ugg @Paulaloves I feel your pain. Sorry but your husband is an arse. I had a bowel resection..had a stoma for a while..now that was gross and I would not have treated myself to much of anything while I had that for 8 months.free and clear from that hell now.. However., I was at a beach bar last week with a friend.. had a basket of very lovely fresh battered and deep fried shrimp.. with a lovely tomato horseradish sauce.. then my friend and I split a tres leches cake. (we live in Dominican Republic) I came home and said...sorry babe... I ate stuff I should not..may be a long night for me...want me to sleep in the guest bedroom and use that bathroom.? His answer.. omg you idiot hahahahahaha...no. you sleep with me. just try to get to the bathrooms for those death farts. He is just happy that the wife that he has..that we both thought would not survive about 4 years ago..is here. alive. I still try to run and fart in a bathroom as i refuse to fart in front of anyone...always have. But YA your husband is an ass and I hope you eat a massive second dessert.

that is not what it means (face palm)

I would reply exactly the same way, it's nasty to embarrass in public

and the one who stinks the place politely goes sleeping in the spare room/ on the sofa.

What does it have to with sex or gender?

Yeah it depends. It’s not really fair on him if he has to deal with you complaining afterwards and not being able to do anything normally.

What would people say if if was the other way around?

what we already replied to that very question,

we would say exactly the same thing, why?

What a horrible man.

I would have said, ‘My bottom may suffer the occasional upset after eating rich food, but every time you open your mouth, crap comes out!’

I have opted you are being unreasonable for eating the desert, but only because I have to suffer his side of it. I think your DH is entirely unreasonable for embarrassing you in front of your friends, and I would never condone that.

My husband struggles really badly after eating dairy. To avoid too much information it’s just lots of horrendous very smelly farts and the whole house stinks. You can’t have the window open all the time in November. In my opinion if he’s going to eat dairy, he needs to opt to sit in one room all night and potentially even sleep on the sofa. Instead, I get 4 to 5 hours of the house smelling horrendous he then goes to bed but it lingers for ages!! and him rubbing his belly and complaining.

so it depends on the severity of your reaction I note you’ve said just wind, that’s probably what my husband would call it. But honest lot for the sake of him having a bloody piece of cheesecake, my ruined evening is god awful.

I assume his shit doesn’t stink.

It is the other way around in our house 🤷🏻‍♀️ DH occasionally decides to join in a family treat and eat pizza despite his gluten intolerance. I cannot imagine myself deliberately hurting and humiliating him as the OP’s husband has done.

I know I'm going against the grain here but my DH has a dairy intolerance and loves milkshake. The farts are honestly horrendous and it goes on for hours. They are so bad it's made our DD 7 cry on many an occasion. I don't agree with the public embarrassment but if you've never had to live with someone who can change the texture of the air with their emissions then you wouldn't get it.
It's absolutely horrendous and I find it selfish that he chooses to ruin everyone's evening just to have a treat 🤣

I can see both sides.

He was rude to embarrass you infront of your friends and lower the tone at the dinner table, no one needed to hear about it

However if you knew the consequences you shouldn’t be expecting him to inhale your constant bodily gases all night either. As you were embarrassed that your husband only mentioned this infront of your friends, I take it you’d be mortified if you actually passed gas infront of them? So where is the shame when you’re at home? Just because he’s your husband doesn’t mean he has to accept such things. Spouses aren’t exempt from basic curtesy and etiquette.

I see your DH’s point as there’s a woman in my friendship group who has IBS and she freely farts around us. As the general census amongst most of the group is “she has IBS she can’t control it” she takes liberties and actually forcefully does it on purpose on just because she can- while laughing and bragging about how strong it smells! She has no shame about it whatsoever. The smell is absolutely disgusting and has caused a couple of us to snap at her to stop doing it. She just laughs. It sounds strong but it’s starting to make me respect her less as a person, however that’s mostly due to her attitude than the condition.

I don’t know if you have the same attitude towards the situation as her but maybe cut your husband a tiny bit of slack, IBS isn’t always nice for other people to deal with it. Other people’s bodily smells are vile.

As the partner of someone with colitis, this is mean.

I’m so glad I’ve never ended up with a prudish partner that thinks people shouldn’t have bodily functions!

My other half has colitis and spends a lot of time on the loo. Bowel habits are far from banned in this house. If you can’t relax and have a fart in front of your other half then there’s something wrong!!

Nothing would put me off more than a man farting, and if he ever wants to have sex again, he'd better behave the way he behaved at the beginning of the relationship.

If someone can make an effort during the first date, they can make the same effort later.

That said, spare room exist for a reason (and if people fart in their sleep, that's life)

Oppf I feel for you. That’s embarrassing!

He's being an arse. It sounds like you get up and crack on, so in that sense, how is it any different from someone having a bit of a drink and not being 100% the next day.

I have IBD. If my husband decided to police my eating around that because I might produce a bit of gas / smelly bathroom I'd not be the least bit impressed. He wouldn't though, because he knows it can lead to struggles with food and is just pleased to see me enjoying it!

Expecting the love of your life to never have a treat for the rest of their lives even on special occasions because your nostrils are too delicate & precious is far more unpleasant. And very very pappy.

He's a twat.

You know your own body, how it reacts to foods, the duration and the severity. Your choice whether you take the risk and suffer the consequences, not his. I have had IBS all of my adult life. I take calculated risks occasionally too. The results can be diarrhoea but it is usually just a good few legendary and hilarious farts, which don't bother us here at all. We just style it out and have a good laugh. Not something we would bring up too publicly in front of friends though.

I assume it is smells that he is on about. Does his shit smell of rose petals and honeysuckle? Or does he pretend, like so many on here, that he never shits, farts or even has an arse?

He doesn't get to police you. Next time order yourself a second dessert too.

While I've met plenty of men who take joy in being gross, that's just objectively not true. Date / marry someone with bowel issues and that's just the way it is. If I have to go, I have to go and if I have to pass gas, likewise. I try to be considerate, but if I'm in pain / trying to avoid an accident then 'ooh stinky' is not even up there on my list of concerns.

Mumsnet it quite weird about poo. Whether it's 'you must poo in your own house' / 'why would you poo at work' or 'OMG a tradesman took a shit in my bathroom'. It's most odd and not how I experience people behaving in the real world.

Holy God, you really have misunderstood a very common term there.

Don't be an arse. A Dutch Oven is a heavy duty casserole dish.