To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

[WhaleRiders]

Disabled son is nearly 4 but intellectually functions at the level of maybe an 18-month-old. Nonverbal, responds to his name and a few individual words like “eat” but that’s it.

He is incredibly hyperactive and from the moment he wakes up is running around screaming continuously in either joy or anger, pulling things off shelves, melting down and kicking and biting.

Now he is also constantly attacking his sister, who is 6 months old. I of course prevent him from getting within reach of her as much as possible but he still manages to slap, kick, bite, hit her with a weapon of some kind at least once a day, often more. When he can’t reach her he just screams as loudly as he can as close to her as he can, which makes her cry.

She is obviously terrified in her own home. She flinches when she hears him coming down the hall. She often preemptively starts crying when she sees him.

I am losing my mind with guilt and worry over the long and short term harm this is doing to her. What can I do?

Our home is tiny (2 small bedrooms, tiny kitchen and bathroom) and there’s no garden or anything so it’s hard to keep them apart.

He sometimes seems amused by being told off, but mostly doesn’t seem to even notice. I’ve tried ignoring it too but that also doesn’t work.

Ive tried shutting him in his room for a few minutes but he then becomes hysterical which is awful and just doesn’t help.

What can I do? I have no doubt he would actually kill her if they were ever alone together for even a few minutes, but of course I’m careful that never happens.

I have posted since then saying that the father should take the child to a hotel for a few days or stay with family to give this baby a chance to come out of being in fight or flight.

couples who split up have to manage and make it work. Id say this situation is worse than the big standard split up as a child is being harmed and abused.

Probably not in the future either unless circumstances are very extreme and its the very last resort.

The circumstances are extreme now. Not in the future.

In your opnion they are however there are thousands of families with disabled children who exhibit far more challenging behaviour that puts siblings at risk
We do not however routinely lock them up anymore there are lots of steps that can be taken to make life easier and safer for everyone
A residential placement isn't a reasltic option, and it would only ever be considered as a last resort.

Where are all these residential places places that people keep going on about? I work in social work and have never come across a residential place for a four year old.

In my opinion?

are you genuinely, seriously saying that a 6 month old baby, visibly wincing and crying when this boy is coming down the stairs or walking towards her, who is being injured daily, who has learnt how to be scared someone at 6 months old, who is being subject to daily abuse and furthermore potentially could kill this baby (OPs on words) as NOT extreme?

if you don't see that as extreme then you are part of this huge problem, enabling children to be abused and assaulted all in the name of 'inclusivity.'

mind blown.

many PP have said that this is one of the worst things they've read on MN. And I agree. It is not 'opinion' that this is extreme. It's fact.

just because there's little to no help, it doesn't mean people like you downplay and minimise what others like the OP and her baby are going through.

NONE of this is the OPs fault and my heart goes out to her at all. I am genuinely mind blown at your crass opinion.

No I'm not saying that at all don't be ridiculous 🙄 I'm saying there are no residential schools for three year olds ,you may as well suggest flying the baby to the moon to keep her safe that's how unrealistic it is
There are lots of things that can be done to keep everyone safe ,which doesn't automatically involve destroying a family

I would like to know that myself 🤔

I mentioned below that what is going on NOW is extreme and you literally said quote 'that is your opinion' - saying what's going on isn't extreme?

you are quite frankly being ridiculous by downplaying the damage abuse like this causes kids. You do it on every thread like this. It's icky.

So what would happen if the 2nd child starts to have the same issues? Put her in residential care too?
A lot of posters are happy to send the DC away? It's not an option that one could take lightly, this 4 year old did not ask for a sibling.
Why did OP and husband, the adults in this story get pregnant?
Hang in there OP. It's not easy but will get easier when he is settled in school with more routine, keep them separated as much as possible and scold him verbally when he is acting out, plenty of smiles, hugs, for good behaviour.

I don't think anyone here is saying it's ok what is happening. Abuse is appalling whoever commits it and everyone deserves to live safely in their own home. Nobody is denying what is happening to the baby doesn't need urgent intervention to keep them safe.

However what concerns me is people are quite right upset and angry about a baby being subjected to physical abuse, no one seems to have a problem with a four year old who has the cognitive ability of an 18 month who therefore can't safeguard themselves, can't speak out for themselves, can't process their emotions being immediately taken out their family home and put into care or a mythical residential place where they are then in a place with no trusted care giver and extreme risk of abuse themselves.

I don't want to see any children being at risk of abuse or assault. Of course the baby needs to be safeguarded but I find it hard to reconcile the idea that some posters seem to be completely fine of the idea of a vulnerable four year old being put at risk of abuse themselves and ripped apart from their family is an acceptable solution.

We are all going on here based on what is written. But the OP has been massively let down by a lack of support and intervention that that has led to this crisis . Urgent support for EVERYONE is needed. Maybe there will be a point the son isn't safe to stay at home but none of us know how first supportive measures will work. As the OP said this is a genetic condition and may be a phase.

We should be against abuse and children being at risk in all cases, including a four year old who has the cognitive ability of am 18 month old being placed in such circumstances.

And you are being more ridiculous thinking its ok to lock disabled children up and to split families up as the first port of call, this is a four year old child we are talking about.

And you are being more ridiculous thinking its ok to lock disabled children up and to split families up as the first port of call, this is a four year old child we are talking about.

It’s a hell of a lot for OP to cope with, this might go on for years- she needs help NOW!

It's not ignorant. Something needs to be done before the baby has broken bones, brain damage or is killed. It's that serious.

And it's also a 6 month old baby being attacked we're talking about.

Yes but its not that simple everything takes time what help there is is limited
It may or may not go on for years .

Quite two very vulnerable children, both need protecting and safe guarding .

It can’t go on for years. OP is desperate NOW

How do you know it will go on for years ,
You dont
And what is your suggestion for help ?

However long it goes on for is too long. How can she just wait and endure it? Op will have a breakdown. I would try and seek help from as many sources as possible, GP, health visitor, social services, paediatrician etc . What else is there?

The OP has received some advice she's found helpful in a really difficult situation, so the thread has served its purpose.

Can we pause on the debate please? Very few/if any people here work in children's services and so discussing the rights and wrongs of removing a loved child is unlikely to be helpful to anyone.

This thread is likely to attract some divisive views and potentially media coverage that OP doesn't need.

CSA is absolutely horrific, nobody should have to endure that or any type of abuse. But I haven't seen anyone on here minimising it or saying they are enabling it. This isn't about inclusivity but recognising people with disabilities have a right to a family life and equal rights as anyone else.

Of course if it is too dangerous and all interventions have failed people or children need to be removed. But simply locking all people with SEN when they present with challenging behaviour is not going to stop abuse happening. If anything it'll increase abuse rates amongst them by being institutional care.

But abuse overall comes from family members and people known to the victim. Where do we stop? Lock up all male family members the minute they become challenging.

What the OP is needing is urgent support and proactive measures to support the family. Not the reactionary measures of removing a vulnerable four year old.

What kind of help though

There is very little available and that's the reality ,posters may think that there is an abundance but there isn't.

I'd assume these issues have come about since the baby was born, he would have been 2.5ish when they got pregnant with his sister, they probably had very little idea of what he would be like 18 months down the line.