To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

[WhaleRiders]

Disabled son is nearly 4 but intellectually functions at the level of maybe an 18-month-old. Nonverbal, responds to his name and a few individual words like “eat” but that’s it.

He is incredibly hyperactive and from the moment he wakes up is running around screaming continuously in either joy or anger, pulling things off shelves, melting down and kicking and biting.

Now he is also constantly attacking his sister, who is 6 months old. I of course prevent him from getting within reach of her as much as possible but he still manages to slap, kick, bite, hit her with a weapon of some kind at least once a day, often more. When he can’t reach her he just screams as loudly as he can as close to her as he can, which makes her cry.

She is obviously terrified in her own home. She flinches when she hears him coming down the hall. She often preemptively starts crying when she sees him.

I am losing my mind with guilt and worry over the long and short term harm this is doing to her. What can I do?

Our home is tiny (2 small bedrooms, tiny kitchen and bathroom) and there’s no garden or anything so it’s hard to keep them apart.

He sometimes seems amused by being told off, but mostly doesn’t seem to even notice. I’ve tried ignoring it too but that also doesn’t work.

Ive tried shutting him in his room for a few minutes but he then becomes hysterical which is awful and just doesn’t help.

What can I do? I have no doubt he would actually kill her if they were ever alone together for even a few minutes, but of course I’m careful that never happens.

Other charities which might be able to help - the Yard charity (centres in Edinburgh and Fife), Share-Scotland and Kindred (also have a Edinburgh hub).
I don't have a child with a disability but friends who do in a few different locations around Scotland.

Realistically you need info and support from parents who have been there. But also the parent focused or led ones can offer you emotional support too.

Please ignore some of the backlash on this thread your doing your best as a mum of a child with complex needs whilst also juggling a baby.

I don't think anyone is minimising the seriousness of the impact of this on the baby more, to use a medical analogy, suggesting it might be best to try antibiotics before rushing to amputation. If the baby and the son can both be kept safe in the family home that is obviously the best outcome. Bypassing any attempt at that and just sending the son to a mythical residential placement in the nether realm should not be the first port of call.

But in practice it must be nerve racking hell for the OP to keep her son away from the baby, ensuring it is impossible 24/7. One moment is all it takes for a tragedy. I’m for removing the child to someone else , hopefully within the family if possible, if only temporarily, and to give OP a break , as the strain is horrendous. She can’t wait to see if it eases over time - it’s urgent!

The reality is there are thousands of families in a similar situation
Removing disabled children from their families is not only very cruel and archaic
But should be the very last resort.

My sonw asnt quite the same but we had a similar age gap and I had similar worries so I can tell you what I did (and also reassure you that at 4 and 7 they absolutely love each other and the 4 yr old is more likely to kick her brother to the face because 4 yr old seems to be a naturally vicious age)

Baby gates on doors, safe areas baby can be left. Cot, playpen, room gates off etc. your son needs an outlet for his energy. Google local play areas, sen clobs, trampoline parks with Sen sessions. Get yourself set up with something for 2-3 hours every afternoon where he can safely throw himself about. The hitting, throwing etc is sensory seeking and I found once this needs was filled we fared better.

Baby wear. Get baby in a good sling or carrier and take her with you, have a very sturdy pram with you too, city mini worked for us, I'd get a double city elite if I was doing it again as I could actually buckle eldest I to our single elite and put baby in a. Sling when he got too much out and about.

My worst days were long spells in the house. We got into a route in if morning activity. Home for lunch and nap, afternoon activity. Noone slept. I lost my mind a fair bit. However you can get through this, you are at the hardest stage. Do you have a partner? At the weekend divide and conquer, swap kids each day, they do better together when they've had a spell apart.

It is nerve wracking and my eldest also had seizures so needed to be in eye line all the time as well. It can be got through though and it improves with them as youngest gets sturdier and eldest gains some underyhowever slowly

Sorry I’ve not RTFT so may have been mentioned, but look up Newbold Hope - a charity for families experiencing child violence and challenging behavior. There’s a fb group and someone who’s been in a similar situation may be able to help.
x

Great, me too, flipout do a membership where you can go an hour a day as do gravity and both have Sen sessions. The yard is amazing, my son is high functioning at 7 and we still benefit weekly, at 4 it would have been a godsend but didn't exist. You can also take siblings and they have play workers who help out. It has been an absolute godsend for us. Find a local giggle and grow for bookbug and dance move go, they are so understanding and my son never followed a single instruction there and it still helped massively. If you're Glasgow funstreet softplay in silverburn has aembership monthly, a great closed off baby area and the whole place is well enclosed so you can see what he's up to. If you happen to be Glasgow feel free to PM, I'm happy to help with any advice despite the differences in our kids ages now. You can get through this stage but it is indescribably hard

Someone advised us to lock DS in his room when he was having a meltdown so he couldn't injure us. I wasn't comfortable doing this, and checked with social services who were very clear that we could not do this as if he injured himself we wouldn't know what had happened.

I remember once or twice having to take my daughter up and put her in her room, behind a baby gate into her cot with toys while my son was throwing cuddly toys in a rampage in the living room, run down, settle him and put on cartoons for him and then I just sat on the stairs for 15 minutes where I could see them both and quietly cried. It's a heck of a time.

Unfortunately the OP’s situation sounds a lot worse than that

It is but it can get better! Mine was like op suggests for a time. Before I got systems in place. I ended up at a and e with a 4 month old because he threw himself on top of her without warning while iw as sat directly beside them both.

You dont know that ,he's only four at this age no one can say how's he going to be when he gets older

How can the OP wait to find out- the situation nis intolerable now!

Also in my example he was throwing cuddly toys because I'd cleared everything including chairs he could pick up from the room. There was nothing else to throw. No ornaments, no hard toys, no books, nothing in the room.

By putting systems in place. Clearing room, baby wearing, safe spaces for both kids to be placed in and if she's anything like me extensive counselling for herself to get her through.

Loads of fsmilies have no option
However
I hope they have all the appropriate services involved as he starting school soon and things might well improve then
The reality is respite is hard to get and even when awarded its very hit and miss what different LA,s offer ,residential schools are just not an option at this point things that are available, areearly help ,parenting courses but everything takes time.

This is wisdom. Sounds like you could start your own parent mentoring scheme @Barnbrack .

We didn't have it this bad but I could have done with reading some of this when mine were 1 and 3.

Oh God me too and I was really fortunate, my breastfeeding group when he was tiny got very close during COVID via a WhatsApp group. 2 of those ladies were psychologists, one a child psychologist and 3 of the boys have ended up with similar diagnoses. Having that outlet and completely non judgemental sounding board was completely invaluable. Women who love your kids because they love you and are like aunties.

Also my mum had 5 very different kids and had this amazing gift for parenting us all very much individually and I like to think I've carried some fo that forward.

There's always some horrific person on these threads quick to want to send away the 'peoblem child' who is ops toddler, very recent a baby themselves who op loves to the ends of the earth. Noone ever advocates sending the baby away while the situation is no more the fault of the eldest than of the baby.

It can be got through but it is bloody hard no pretending it isnt

Because she has 2 children, both hers, both of whome she loves, both of whom it's her responsibility to parent and he's 4, he also needs protecting and loving and not traumatising by suddenly removing his family from him. I don't know if you are aware but disabled children are people too

Yes and we're talking about a 6 month old baby being ABUSED

its not ridiculous to suggest a removal of the child on a temporary whether he goes to a hotel with his father or stays with other family members. This baby is frightened and scared. You keep saying you don't know that he won't get better, you also don't know that he may get a hell of a lot worse, bigger and stronger.

it is absolutely not ridiculous to remove a child to keep another safe. I am not saying lock him away or chuck him at social services. I mean realise, his dad takes him for a long weekend away. OP can't baby wear forever and this cannot go on any longer. No matter how much you preach that other families have it worse. I personally can't see what's worse than a little babies life potentially at risk of being killed. You, on every thread of this topic, only ever seem to care about the SEN child. Please spare a thought for this baby too.

Only 4, but easily able and strong enough to hurt a baby! He’s already done so!

I am sparing a though for both children unlike many posters, but they reality is there is not much help available
I absolutely think the op should be referred to all appropriate services
An occupational therapist can put things in place to keep both children safe like a stable door for example, rather than jumping to the immediate removal of a child.

Of course I'm aware my own son is severely disabled and very loved.

My absolute apologies, I responded to the wrong poster.