RSVP to my 4 year old’s party told me they’re bringing 2yr old sibling

[Watchespaintdry]

We’re doing a 4th bday party at home for my daughter (money is tight hence at home), sent the invites out yesterday specifically addressed to the invited child and one of my friends has responded saying their daughter + 2yr old brother would love to come (she’s worded it to imply they don’t have childcare). So she’s telling me, not asking me, that the brother is coming too. I’ve been to parties before and always asked if if was ok to bring my 2.5yr old son too, due to lack of childcare, and these were soft play parties with no space issues, as it were. If they’d said no I couldn’t, I’d be totally cool and understand.

Thing is, I’m concerned about the space, and that this person will have 2 kids to watch. We’ve only got so much space around the dining table. She was the first to rsvp and now I’m worried other people are gonna bring siblings. I’ve got no problem with the brother, he’s cute and lovely and I love my friend and don’t want to upset her. I’ve invited 11 of my daughter’s friends (mixture of preschool and others) and confident they won’t all be able to come, given party statistics. Should I just suck it up and hope no one else brings siblings? This is the first party I’ve ever hosted.
My 2.5 yr old son will also be there (ofcourse).

It probably wouldn't have made any difference; with people like this it tends not to, but I agree with PPd about telling her this won't be possible and doing it now to end the stress

This & use @JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch’s response.

I'd reply along the lines of....is it OK if I let you know about Mary coming nearer the time as we're limited on space so it will depend on the RSVPs? I agree that in a small community this one wants thinking about!

This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

Why are you concerned that she will have 2 kids to watch? Are both children completely unruly?

She hasn't taken him yet though. She has advised OP in advance that she would have to bring him as she has no childcare. OP now has the chance to say that won't work.
In my circle we would always try and work out something so that the invited sibling could attend, but we definitely have more of a community vibe than some people seem to at their nurseries or schools.

You’re probably not going to be presented with a better friendship-cementing opportunity than welcoming your 4 year old daughter’s friend’s younger son who is the same age as your younger son to a birthday party. Birthday parties in the early years are really good for chatting and developing mum friendships and once they do become drop offs (around 6/Year 1 IME) they no longer are. A warm acquaintance/friendship opportunity with a family with matching kids is worth more than the extra space in your house for those two hours that excluding him would open up, I think.

I honestly don't understand this MN thing. My 2 year old comes and just sits on my knee. I don't expect him to be fed etc but I wouldn't be able to go to parties with my eldest if it was a blanket ban on younger kids

I think you’re at an age where children come with a parent and often siblings. It was cheeky of her to assume and not ask but I think you’ve probably over-invited a bit for a home party so you were always likely to have a very full house. Siblings do change the dynamic a bit. The most fraught party I’ve been to was a home party with inflatables. The birthday girl was a middle child and her older brother and younger pre-school sister had 3/4 friends each plus some of her friends brought siblings too. The mix of ages meant it was just carnage with the older ones hurting the little ones as they were too boisterous, lots of tears including the birthday girl. I felt really sorry for her as her friends were outnumbered and it wasn’t really her party anymore.

It does get easier later on when parties become very clearly drop and go. If you like this lady then I’d suck it up and hope for the best.

@ThankYouNigel@Soontobe60

asking another parent isn’t always possible. My ex husband isn’t around at all. No grandparents to help. 9/10 times I have literally no one i could ask. And many single parents believe it or not feel a bit awkward about asking other parents to take their children places especially if the kids going aren’t in you child’s immediate friendship group

im very lucky it seems that other parents in my children’s class understand my situation/struggles and always try and accommodate

So I think this means you should try to accommodate her if you can. I’m sure they won’t all ask to bring a sibling!

Do you have a separate space where the sibling and your DS can play away from the party, and the mum can supervise?

If so, then suggest "oh that's good, X can play with my DS in our playroom, I'd be really grateful if you can supervise".
If not then "we're really tight on space so I'll have to wait and see how full the party room is going to be, alternatively you are very welcome to drop and run".
If we're talking a dining room table for tea then 11 adults will be in the way!

I tend to think this too. Drop and run - no siblings. Kids young enough to need a parent stay - obviously some siblings will need to come.

Aw my kids have both missed out on several parties because I don't like asking people if their sibling can come. I moved to this area fleeing dv a few years so don't have any local support ( all my family live at opposite end of the country )

It's a tricky situation all round isn't it

I'd say, thanks for getting back to me, we're a bit limited for space at home so can I get back to you next week about whether there will be room for little brother too?

Easy, reply “really sorry but we have a no siblings rule as space will be really tight”.

Sounds like you know it’s fair to let her come, as you value her friendship, he’s a nice boy and you’ve been in that position, but you want to make a point! So, why not a balanced -

‘Yes, of course. I’ve invited X kids, so it might be a little squished but we can definitely make room for X’.

You can say no if you want to but be aware that may mean that the older child can’t come too. I’m clearly in the minority here but I can’t get worked up about a few younger siblings coming to a party, providing they are watched properly and don’t expect all the additional extras like a party bag (although I generally do a few spares anyway).

I suppose it’s different with it being at your home and obviously if they all start wanting to bring extras it’s going to cause you a space issue but if it’s just one or two I’d let it slide.

I tend to think with kids parties that the more the merrier. Better too many than too few.

They won’t cost you anything and you have your own 2.5yr old. Your younger kids will likely be in the same class at school and you’ll see each other often. I wouldn’t burn this bridge.

I do agree that asking rather than assuming would have been better.

Personally go with a ‘So glad Mary can make it. Space is going to be a little tight but we can squeeze Joseph in. Looking forward to seeing you there’

You really shouldn’t have to, it’s bloody obvious that you’re inviting kids that’ll fit in your home, imagine everyone brought brothers and sisters you’d have at least double if not more! Just say sorry I’ve had to tell another parent there’s no extra space for siblings

Often it's a question of room – whether it's at your house or a booked venue, numbers are limited. And you might not expect food, but lots of parents do – and they expect a goody bag. But for me it was the dynamic – toddlers/younger siblings running around are a nuisance.

I put my foot down on sibling +1s after one parent did a drive-by drop off of their DC's older cousin with the invitee and got huffy when they came back at the end and I told them the cousin hadn't been fed. Food was pre-ordered meals at a booked venue and paid per head, which they knew!

Use your words and say no sorry.

To be fair sounds like you have a very unusual 2 year old! Most would not be happy to sit on mum's lap for 2 hours and not throw a tantrum about being excluded from party food and games.

I can totally see where you’re coming from & I have previously been pissed off at the same thing.

I haven’t got the balls to respond saying that siblings can’t come along, so they always came along.

While it was a bit more chaotic, it actually was fine in the end. I always worried over nothing.

Good idea to put ‘no siblings’ on invites in future.

I did ask one Mum if I could bring 2 year old along once and she messaged back saying no, there wasn’t enough room. A tiny part of me was a bit taken aback, but most of me thought fair play to her for being honest and having the guts to say no.

It is highly likely that not everybody who has been invited will be able to attend, so that might free up some space.

For me it would depend on the nature of the relationship with the parent, parent that I don’t really know I would politely saw sorry limited space so can’t accommodate siblings, close chum I would squeeze an extra child onto the seat with their sibling so they can attend. They are not after all sitting down to a three course meal it will be finger food and nibbles.

I actually think a party at home I would be more relaxed about siblings as you're not paying for a space for them. Could it be that people are still adjusting to party etiquette if they only have younger siblings? My DD had a Romanian classmate and her older brother always came to parties, sat at the party table, expected a party bag. I used to think it was really rude until they hosted their DDs party which was an absolutely massive affair at their church held over several hours and it was a real family affair everyone from church was welcome, people drifted in and out, food was plentiful. So I think they just hadn't understood the more rigid British party etiquette.

I was quite embarrassed at my first reception party to find I was the only one who had come along with my DH. The pre school parties we had attended had been relaxed events with parent friends and a nice opportunity for adults to socialise so it hasn't occurred to us that things were different at school. We took turns going solo after that! I also remember wondering whether I would need the paper invite to secure our entry to the soft play party 😂

So be kind, perfectly fine to tell her siblings can't be accommodated due to space, but also don't sweat too much as these type of things will happen over and over again as your child gets older and you don't overthink it as much.