RSVP to my 4 year old’s party told me they’re bringing 2yr old sibling

[Watchespaintdry]

We’re doing a 4th bday party at home for my daughter (money is tight hence at home), sent the invites out yesterday specifically addressed to the invited child and one of my friends has responded saying their daughter + 2yr old brother would love to come (she’s worded it to imply they don’t have childcare). So she’s telling me, not asking me, that the brother is coming too. I’ve been to parties before and always asked if if was ok to bring my 2.5yr old son too, due to lack of childcare, and these were soft play parties with no space issues, as it were. If they’d said no I couldn’t, I’d be totally cool and understand.

Thing is, I’m concerned about the space, and that this person will have 2 kids to watch. We’ve only got so much space around the dining table. She was the first to rsvp and now I’m worried other people are gonna bring siblings. I’ve got no problem with the brother, he’s cute and lovely and I love my friend and don’t want to upset her. I’ve invited 11 of my daughter’s friends (mixture of preschool and others) and confident they won’t all be able to come, given party statistics. Should I just suck it up and hope no one else brings siblings? This is the first party I’ve ever hosted.
My 2.5 yr old son will also be there (ofcourse).

This happens all the time at my children's parties. I've made my peace with it because we're always in a church hall so can accommodate a couple of extras, but I do find it rude! I had one dad RSVP to the party the night before saying 'Georgie would love to come, thanks. I'll be bringing her big brother too as we'll have just been at rugby.' Not even thinly disguised as a request! And big brother was 8, so a pretty serious risk to the 3/4 year olds on the bouncy castle etc.

Anyway - I don't think there is anything wrong with you saying you don't have the space, especially as it's at your house.

Unfortunately at that age, it's almost inevitable that parents want to drop siblings off as well. The worst are ones who don't even stay to watch their kids and use it as a free childcare slot for 3-4 hours. If you really don't have the space then you have to directly say so. That would be understandable for a home party but especially as you're not paying per head, more parents would be tempted to bring siblings along.

From the parties we've hosted and been to, there's always been a lot of siblings around. To the point you have to take them into account when doing the guestlist, especially if you are close to the family. In the bigger picture, it's not really worth ruining a friendship over something as trivial as a bday party, especially if your children are going to remain friends and grow up together.

The other way to see it is that a party is fun for every child. Why deny that opportunity to a sibling for the sake of RSVP etiquette. It sucks to be told you are not invited to a party that your sibling is very excited about, especially at a young age when siblings tend to do everything together. Obviously, starting from 6-7, kids develop their own personalities and don't really mind anymore.

This year we've bought party supplies for 20 kids and I told DD the list needs to stay at 11 max, since I'm assuming there will be siblings coming along. Though to be fair, some families we know quite well and also know the siblings too.

Could you say that you'll need to wait and see on the final numbers, and if one invited person can't come then the sibling can take their place?
That way you're showing that space is limited but that you're willing to accommodate if you can.

Agree . Can only ever remember one child out of numerous parties we had over the years that actually involved a parent staying! So unusual that I can remember 25 years later and what party dress she had on .

Depends on how mansion like your house is. OP already has approximately 25 people in her house (assuming all 11 kids come and their parents stay, plus herself, her younger child and the birthday girl). If they all bring a sibling or some don't but others brings a couple then that number will go well into the thirties at least.

Siblings understand their older one goes to school before them, attends a swimming lesson in a different age group, etc. I always told my youngest she would get her turn at being invited to parties and no, her elder brother would not be attending, just as she doesn’t attend his. They are individuals with their own friends.

Certain activities work far better without either younger or older siblings massively changing treats dynamics and increasing the numbers, and therefore the cost, dramatically got the hosting family. It’s beyond rude, and I know many who opt out of parties entirely because they are sick of the entitlement.

Could you say that you're very happy they can join the party, but aren't sure yet whether you can accommodate siblings due to space in your home. And that you'll let her know as soon as possible once your daughter's friends have rsvp'd.
Package it nicely with better wording!

It would be a shame to decline now when you might actually have space if other children can't come. Also, you're showing her you're doing your best to accommodate.

Does she not have a DP to have the other child?

This is a friend, not a random from nursery.

Can you have a conversation to say so happy junior 1 can make it. Would it be possible for Junior 2 to stay with their dad as your worried about number?

If not I think you need to suck it up but for next time 13 kids is too many for a home party unless you live in a mansion or the wether is good to stay outside.

This is a great opportunity to be the one to pioneer the concept of 'dropping off' at birthday parties! The mum leaves her 4yo at the party and goes on her merry way with the siblings...problem solved and everyone will thank you for it in a years time when everyone else follows suit.
People, it's a game changer!

God why are people like this.
I had an invite from family friend we both have 3 / 1 yrs olds worded to my DD only
So i only took my dd!!!

I'd go for something like
"Argh!!! So tricky that you cant get childcare for Milo! Space is really so tight in the house and it wont be suitable for a 2 yr old.
Do you want to drop sophia and pick her up at 12? Or we can do catch up for the girls the saturday after? I'll keep a party bag and cake for her whatever happens 🥳 x'

They absolutely do. 4 is too young to understand party game rules or to sit and do crafting activities fully unsupervised. They cannot read for more complex games like treasure hunts. They cannot pour themselves a drink or be expected to safely carry around party cups and cutlery. They may need reminding when to go to the loo or need help off the loo. It would be cheek fuckery of the highest order to dump a 4 year at a party because all those tasks get forced on the host who already has to serve 20+ kids and adults.

I would let her know you are tight for space but you would be happy for her to just drop child off and pick up after the party

I would message and say that she doesn't need to stay and that you will ring if there are any issues and explain that you are short on space.

After age 4 is when the drop off parties start. Lots of the children at a 4 th birthday party will still only be 3.

Once they’re in school drop off is more common.

Haha actually the mum that dropped off 4 year olds is not longer invited to parties now! There was one notorious for dropping off her kids who were essentially too young to be left alone. It required to host or one of the other mums to constantly have to keep an eye on them. At one party in a busy public venue, the girl actually got lost for a while and there was panic not knowing where she was or if some stranger took her because nobody was actively responsible for the child. So that mum is blacklisted now.

Yes, I’d do this - unless there are other families with sibs as you wouldn’t want to show favouritism.

Yeah this. The ones who drop off and leave preschoolers are the awful ones with badly behaved kids and don't get invited again.

This is my feeling too. I recall that most pre school parties were very low key gatherings of just a few friends. Many didn't have a party of any kind until 5

That is your choice. Your choice does not mean the OP has to copy you.

are you expecting parents to drop and go because if not then actually you are a bit unreasonable if you are asking parents to stay ….if they are single parents with siblings at home then they either have to ask to bring a sibling or they can’t come ….

This

we did family gatherings before for birthdays, but the last 2 birthdays hardly any family turned up (DPs side - complicated) and I felt bad for my daughter so wanted her to feel like she had a proper party this time

Personally I'd much prefer mum + 2 year old + 4 year old than just 4 year old dropped off, if i was the host. Even if it was a bit cramped.

You invite the number you can comfortably host. My DS’s best friend had mine and their 2 other best friends to a drop off birthday party at their home at that age. Best one he’s been to, with actual close friends. Nobody invited 20 children to their home when we were young.

Dropping off would be cheeky, but I don't see why it's cheeky for OP to offer to look after the child without the parent present after she's already said she has childcare issues? That's a strange take.
My kids and their friends were much more self-sufficient than you describe aged four and most had nice manners and were considerate and cooperative by then. In my circle usually a couple of parents offer to stay and help out and the rest leave, obviously one parent and 25 kids is a bit much but 5 parents and 20 kids is extremely doable absent special needs.