RSVP to my 4 year old’s party told me they’re bringing 2yr old sibling

[Watchespaintdry]

We’re doing a 4th bday party at home for my daughter (money is tight hence at home), sent the invites out yesterday specifically addressed to the invited child and one of my friends has responded saying their daughter + 2yr old brother would love to come (she’s worded it to imply they don’t have childcare). So she’s telling me, not asking me, that the brother is coming too. I’ve been to parties before and always asked if if was ok to bring my 2.5yr old son too, due to lack of childcare, and these were soft play parties with no space issues, as it were. If they’d said no I couldn’t, I’d be totally cool and understand.

Thing is, I’m concerned about the space, and that this person will have 2 kids to watch. We’ve only got so much space around the dining table. She was the first to rsvp and now I’m worried other people are gonna bring siblings. I’ve got no problem with the brother, he’s cute and lovely and I love my friend and don’t want to upset her. I’ve invited 11 of my daughter’s friends (mixture of preschool and others) and confident they won’t all be able to come, given party statistics. Should I just suck it up and hope no one else brings siblings? This is the first party I’ve ever hosted.
My 2.5 yr old son will also be there (ofcourse).

She can drop the 4 year old off, by the sounds of it you know her well so you aren't a stranger to her child. It's so cheeky to assume especially at a party at home, Imagine if all 11 showed up with 1 or 2 siblings plus parents, you wouldn't be able to move!! It isn't like you can spill out into the garden at this time of year either. It's so so rude on her part to assume you are inviting her 2 children when 1 name is on the invite.

I'd have no shame replying that numbers are limited and you were only inviting the 4 year old, you are happy for them to drop off if it's easier for them.

We have very different 2 year olds. Mine will sit on my knee for approximately 2 minutes and then he’s off and I have to hover over him as he tries to pick up ornaments, grabs food off tables, climbs on furniture, wipes his sticky hands on glass doors. I would of course stop him from doing all of these things in someone else’s house, but it would be difficult trying to placate my clingy school age child as well who sometimes gets quite overwhelmed by parties/noise. I would leave that party exhausted and honestly I would decline the invite rather than take both children. We all have different kids and different experiences.

This is perfect

Surely this depends on the child? Mine would have hated this at 4 and would have cried and not let me leave, so she wouldn’t have attended the party in the end if I wasn’t there. She finds them overwhelming and noisy. But she enjoys them with parental support and the odd moment stepping away from the main room. So this is what we do, with a view to building resilience, because the other option is she doesn’t go and she doesn’t get used to it.

You know what I find shitty and dismissive? Someone taking it upon themselves to invite another child to a party that they aren't invited to. Never mind space, cost, preferences of the host or the party kid, little Johnny is coming along because that's what's easier for me.

If she has a childcare issue, she can set it out clearly, and ask rather than dictate.

Agree with this,

If she has seen you at parties with your youngest she will probably assume you don’t mind. Personally I still would have asked rather than told you but tbh there’s often times where if I couldn’t have taken my youngest my eldest wouldn’t have managed to go. Luckily nobody has put me in that position. I think unless they are dropping off it’s inevitable that siblings will sometimes be required to come too. I think you need to decide what’s worse too many or not enough. The chances are she’ll tell others the reason her daughter can’t come and then they may decide not to go if they are in a similar position. It may also just create unnecessary drama for the sake of one extra guest. I also think you run the risk of not being able to take your youngest to parties if people start getting petty which sadly they can do.

Soft play is even worse if you bring an extra sibling isn’t it? Our local soft play is £20 per head for parties!

This, it’s just rude to assume. Maybe she thought OP would be cool with it but she shouldn’t assume, she should ask very nicely, and in this COL crisis I think that she should offer to bring her own food for the little one and definitely make it clear they do not need a party bag. Even if all of that got declined by the host it’s just polite. People are struggling with money and who knows how long it has taken someone to save up for the party food because they want to give their kid a nice party.

I would reply saying we'd prefer no siblings attend unless there really is no alternative childcare for you on the day. Because that's how I feel in general on this issue, some people really can't make it work (single mums for example) and others just treat parties as a family day out when one parent could have stayed at home with the non invited children.
She was cheeky to tell you instead of asking you.

Ok I’ve just had the first invite decline from someone else phew

Exactly this.

I agree. Say sorry you dont have the room

Just say due to lack of space no siblings please....say happy to for them to drop the child off if its due to lack of childcare?

you still need to nip this in the bud.
Tell her you don't have room. And that if she likes she can drop her daughter and run?

Because if you don'T stop it now, this is it for every party, and there will be more and more siblings.

Most soft play parties I've been to, parents have to pay for siblings entry and the siblings aren't allowed in the party room. The parents just pay for them to use the soft play as normal and maybe buy them some food too and sit at a separate table.
It's not as clear cut in a church hall with a bouncy castle if everyone just turns up with all thier kids, which was my experience. I just let it all happen to be honest but then siblings didn't get party bags at the end.

Just say "can I let you know if sibling can come?Depends on how many people decide to come because of space. If quite a few drop out, it will be fine"

That's what I'd say, then your trying to accommodate her but also not making it more stressful for yourself.

Can't you just tell her she is more than welcome just drop her 4 year old off? Problem solved

This is the ideal solution, what are you going to do if all the other responses also say they will be bringing a sibling?

If they're an age where parents have to stay with them, I would assume they will have to bring siblings. What else were the parents supposed to do with them?!

'We're a bit tight on space to have siblings too, but it's no problem- you'd be welcome to drop friend off and collect them at the end". If friend hasn't been to your house on their own before, invite them over to play for an hour in between now and then so they feel comfortable being left on their own... or: you think 'what's 1 extra when you have a house of 11 friends plus their parents?'

This is a bit of a stretch isn’t it. I’ve raised two kids through the party years and hosted multiple as a result. Sometimes there’s a couple of sibling tag alongs, it has never been any drama to me. When we had a soft play party, the people that brought siblings (probably a couple on each occasion) paid separately for their child but I still bunged them a couple of chicken nuggets, a piece of cake and a spare party bag. It was fine.

I beg to differ and say they absolutely can do all of the above and more. Most parents grossly underestimate the abilities of a 4 yr old. I work in a ratio of 10:1 with this age group and we manage every day. Of course it's different at a party with new environment etc but a 5:1 should be enough. 3:1 would be extremely comfortable. All children by 3.5 can pour a drink and carry a cup (small jug needed), they can take food onto their own plate, they can bring a paper plate to the bin, they can line up but need supervision. Complex games with rules and winners and losers probably aren't suitable. They just need instruction at the start and a firm hand. For example, queue skippers go to the back. They learn very quickly that it doesn't work. It's just difficult to be strong with kids if you aren't used go them so we tend to avoid giving direction.

Same here and have made an exception for siblings where I know childcare will be an issue. However its circumstantial and depends on the friend and the kids! My party my rules...

I think this one is a bit more complex than a usual bringing sibling party one as you're friends with the mum and have a 2 yo too and she knows the party is at home. She may think it's just a little tea party. Also it sounds like she's a valued friend and not trying to be a CF. I think I'd message her really honestly (or better still, chat in person) along the lines of "Hi Jane, I've invited 11 of DD's friends and I'm a bit worried that space may become an issue if siblings come. Can I let you know if there's space for Billy in a few days when I've had more responses?".

If it was a random nursery friend of DD's parent saying she'd bring an unknown 2 yo then I'd have a different view.

These ratios are implying that you have a few adults present, so that means that other parents of invited children are being included? As the host is going to be pretty busy organising games and food. I wouldn’t be very pleased to be put in charge of someone else’s child at a party without being asked. What about discipline? If you don’t even know the child how on earth can you know how the parents want them parented? It’s different if it’s your job and schools and nurseries have clear boundaries and rules which the children follow mostly very well. My five year old apparently behaves beautifully in a school environment but all the noise and sugar at parties is a whole different kettle of fish!