I want him to have a vasectomy

[AtomicSugababe]

Been with my partner 15 years, 2 kids. I’m late 30s and he’s 3 years younger.

I’m pretty sure all my sexually active life that contraception has caused anxiety and depression issues. I also had PND with our youngest. I was so poorly last year mentally and I’m sure the coil contributed. I’ve had it over a year now and I feel myself again, no moods, no depression, just normal me. He says he doesn’t want any more kids, and I don’t. Currently not on any contraception, he won’t use condoms so each month I’m anxious as hell until my period comes.

Ive been nagging and nagging him to get the snip. He replies with it’s a life changing decision, it’s painful and in a sensitive area! It’s not like a haircut.

I’m that fucking pissed off with him I’ve taken the kids and gone to my mums. Told him I’ll be back if he books a GP appointment. If he doesn’t then he’s putting himself first. It’s him who wants sex I wouldn’t be arsed if I didn’t have it again most of the time!

AIBU?

Does he have a risk of impregnation kink or something?

You can't make him. His body, his choice. You don't need to have sex with him without a condom. (And I wouldn't) Your body your choice.

Just saw your other posts. Maybe you should stop writing rubbish

Andthatrightsoon

Don't drag your children around. Solve your dispute like adults and keep them out of it.

This

I'm not changing my mindset to suit other people's sensibilities. Sorry. I'm leaving this thread now. Have a nice evening.

Buh bye.

This. You can't really dictate what someone does or in this case, doesnt do, with their own body BUT he needs be willing to use condoms or abstain completely if that's his attitude as it is irresponsible to just have sex anyway and hope for the best, or act like contraception is your problem to sort. What an utter pr!CK.

I don't think you need to put 'I'm sorry' for saying this.
I'd never have considered sterilisation because no one knows what the future holds. There's every chance that a relationship may break down in the future, resulting in a second relationship/marriage, where another baby is on the cards.
I think it's sensible to never make any assumptions in life and I'm surprised people see this as keeping your options open.

I think you are as unreasonable for demanding he gets a vasectomy as he would have been had he demanded that you use a coil or hormonal contraception. If he has made demands of you he is a big hypocrite, but still well within his rights.

Personally I cannot imagine getting a vasectomy under any circumstances - but neither have I ever made any contraception demands of any partner.

I agree with others - he shouldn't be pressured into surgery but nor should you be exposed to the risk of an unwanted pregnancy or adverse effects from.contraception. So the choices left to you for contraception are no sex, condoms, surgery for him / you. You could potentially consider a diaphragm though a relatively high risk of failure it would be better than nothing. My only other thought is whether you've tried a copper coil - non hormonal so shouldn't impact on mental health but can make periods more unpleasant. Could the two of you perhaps make an appointment to go and discuss options together.

My husband’s just had one after I’ve carried the Burdon for 16 years and after two pregnancies.

Time for him to step up.

I understand being frustrated but its his choice. Would the copper coil not be an option? If not and you can't find a compromise then I guess no sex?

Why should she? It's a more invasive procedure and OP has already suffered horrible side effects with her previous contraception. OP's partner wants sex more than she does (she has said she doesn't care if she doesn't do it again) so why can't he take responsibility as the partner in the marriage that wants to have sex and won't use condoms.

Why does this need to be an issue? Just refuse to have sex unless he wears condoms.

I can't take contraception either - we either use nothing if we're TTC or I'm pregnant, or condoms the rest of the time

They are both having sex! It was a suggestion. OP doesn't get to evade responsibility just because she is a woman. What about condoms? She would be left with the baby so....

Are you alright?

Yes, this. I agree it's not a haircut but how does he expect you to avoid an unwanted child if he won't use condoms or have the snip.

Three choices:

No sex
Condoms
Snip.

Which is it to be for him?

I think you are being unreasonable. You shouldn't be trying to pressurise him to do something to his body. Its his body and his choice. You should be controlling what you can control. You don't have to have any sex with him. You certainly don't have to have unprotected sex with him.

My husband had a vasectomy. I refused to take anymore hormones after taking the pill, IVF, D&Cs and 2 csection. I felt I'd done my bit. I refused to have unprotected sex. I didn't want anymore children. He tokm about a year to book it in. It was done in 15 minutes. He was back to work in 48 hours. He had swelling and discomfort in under a week. He doesnt regret it.

My first reaction was "his body, his choice," but if he doesn't want to use condoms, and hormonal contraception seriously affects your mental health, then I think in practice his options are as follows:

1. he can have a vasectomy;
2. he can use condoms;
3. he can live with you but not have sex;
4. you can split up.

I would be presenting it in that way - his choice, but between those options. The only other way I can see you both making it work is if he (and you) would consider trying a Femidom, if they're even still available. I haven't heard anybody mention them for years.

My DH was on the fence about having a vasectomy, dragged his heels and I had a surprise 3rd baby…. Needless to say he booked himself in pretty quick after that without complaint as I had had to surgery for a 3rd time.
I told him if he didn’t get it done there would be no chance of a 4th one because I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole, but I didn’t have to convince him, he knew it was his turn to step up.

If you have the right to refuse hormonal contraception, he also has a the right to refuse a vasectomy.

He's only in his mid-30s. For all he knows, he could have a vasectomy and then you could dump him six months later and leave him with no chance of having children with anyone else. If he was 45-50 I don't think it would be a big ask, but I think insisting on someone sacrificing their fertility in their 30s is unreasonable.

So - he isn't unreasonable to refuse a vasectomy. But he IS unreasonable to refuse to use condoms, if he wants penetrative sex.

OP has had a coil and she said in the OP that it contributed to her poor mental health so she had it taken out.

My DH had a vasectomy after our last child because we knew we didn't want anymore and it was his suggestion because 'why would I take a contraception that I didn't need'.
He said the worst bit was how itchy his balls were afterwards as they shaved them to do the procedure and the hair growing back was driving him mental. On the grand scale of things, I doubt that could trump your mental health!

No condoms/no vasectomy = no sex.

It’s really that simple.

Does he have difficulty taking responsibility in other areas of his life too?