I want him to have a vasectomy

[AtomicSugababe]

Been with my partner 15 years, 2 kids. I’m late 30s and he’s 3 years younger.

I’m pretty sure all my sexually active life that contraception has caused anxiety and depression issues. I also had PND with our youngest. I was so poorly last year mentally and I’m sure the coil contributed. I’ve had it over a year now and I feel myself again, no moods, no depression, just normal me. He says he doesn’t want any more kids, and I don’t. Currently not on any contraception, he won’t use condoms so each month I’m anxious as hell until my period comes.

Ive been nagging and nagging him to get the snip. He replies with it’s a life changing decision, it’s painful and in a sensitive area! It’s not like a haircut.

I’m that fucking pissed off with him I’ve taken the kids and gone to my mums. Told him I’ll be back if he books a GP appointment. If he doesn’t then he’s putting himself first. It’s him who wants sex I wouldn’t be arsed if I didn’t have it again most of the time!

AIBU?

I get him not wanting a vasectomy as he is still quite young, my DH was the same, but his options are either no sex or wear a condom.

My understanding was that post-op complications following a vasectomy are higher than you might expect - when DH had one around a decade ago he was advised that up to 10% of men experience long-term pain, which can sometimes be severe. Given this, your DH wouldn't be unreasonable to be hesitant.

But it seems there has been a large scale study since then that has found that the complication rate has been hugely over-reported. The risk to your DH's health from a vasectomy is far lower than yours from an unwanted pregnancy.

www.pulsetoday.co.uk/news/clinical-areas/sexual-health-and-gynaecology/complication-rate-after-vasectomy-lower-than-men-are-led-to-believe/

Yeah, I had similar reaction to the coil - I was so miserable it was unreal, crying, moody, depressed. Breasts grew too and painful. I remember when they took it out and a few weeks later just a feeling of utter calm and peace came over me and that was the end of it all. They don't suit everyone.

Because OP has more than done her bit for 15 years and suffered from the various side effects that occur for many women when using hormonal contraception. She's also had two children. If her DH won't use condoms and can't be arsed to have a simple little op with a few days (if that) of soreness, he never deserves to have sex with her - or anyone else, come to that - again ever. Why should men constantly be pandered to? Tubal ligation is a much bigger procedure than a vasectomy and one that can also hasten the onset of menopause.

@YorkshireGoldDrinker "half a man"? Are you serious, or just stirring? My husband had a vasectomy a few years ago and he is still the man he always was.
Edited to say - and those women who have had hysterectomies, or have gone through the menopause aren't 'half women' either.

No doubt. But she has got to be resolute about it. Unless of course he's threatening her but she doesn't say that.

I had the snip. Was common sense, given the disparity in invasiveness and risks.

It only took a few mins and I had a few days resting with biscuits afterwards 🥳

Still fully manly 😃

Maybe your chap could get some sperm frozen for possible future use if circumstances change.

She's gone to her mums. I'd say she's being quite resolute.

It's that 'c' word again - communication! It's sad people on MN will give all sort of advice and never encourage people to look at how they communicate.

Giving people ultimatums especially on such big, sensitive matters is usually a bad idea. Find a way - counsellors or mediators to come to an agreement the two of you.
You may feel justified and angry - and I'm sure you will find many on MN who will cheer you on, but a peaceful and happy home will become elusive.
The victory, if we can call it that, will be hollow. Find a way, I say, the two of you, to map a way forward, that both parties can live with. Start by communicating with understanding and grace.

I had it done by keyhole surgery over 25 years ago , it's nothing new.

In hospital one day for the small op , out the next, no problems at all .

Yes, there are other birth control methods and the only other one that doesn’t rely on the OP messing with her hormones or having devices inserted into her body is condoms. Which her DH refuses to use.

You can't force a man to have it ,the same as a man can't force a woman to have her tubes tied. You're both absolutely crazy to have unprotected sex given the circumstances. You need to find a way forward but that's not by throwing around ultimatums unless you do actually want to leave him.

He has three choices:
a) he has the snip and can have sex without a condom (after the appropriate amount of time has passed)
b) he wears condoms
c) he doesn't have sex with you anymore

Give him the three choices.

Imagine if a man told his partner that unless she was sterilised he wouldn’t have sex with her again!

What's the point of leaving a vasectomy until 45-50? OP is likely to be entering menopause around then, especially as she is three years older. And why should men keep their ability to father children into infinity - a gift not granted to women. My husband had a vasectomy at 34 because we had two children and neither of us wanted any more, as was the case with most of our friends. Vasectomy was by far and away the most popular method of contraception in the 70s/80s for couples who had completed their families and very few men kicked up a fuss about it. It strikes me that men are getting even more selfish, useless and entitled than ever, at a time when women are expected to do so much more than they ever did. A man who isn't prepared to shoulder his share of responsibility would really give me the ick and the fact that he 'won't' use condoms puts the tin lid on it. If I were the OP I'd be giving him a stark choice - 'Get to the GP or suffer my DIY version!'

It is in that it requires a general anaesthetic, but it’s done as a day patient.

But she’s ok having unprotected sex with him though?

No she's not.

Jeez. Why? Why should she? He can step up and do his bit for the family. It’s a simple day procedure ffs.

Not remotely comparable, given what a woman's body endures when pregnant.

I agree, I gave DP the same options - vasectomy, condoms or no penetrative sex with me again. The coil sent me a bit crazy and we had three children. I'd done 20 years of being responsible for the contraception and it was his turn.

He had 1 week of some tenderness then absolutely fine. Not even vaguely on a par with tubal ligation, nor all the birth related trauma.

Why would choosing to have a vasectomy make somebody “half a man” but a man being naturally infertile would not make him half a man?

We don’t want your opinions - get off the thread.

Your body, you decide what to do with it, same applies to him, his body, he decides what to do with it. You can't tell each other what to do with each other's bodies.

I think a lot of men won’t admit but they rather not have a vasectomy incase things were to end with their current partner and they went on to want kids with a future partner.

Can’t blame them really. If a man tried to force me to be sterilised I would tell him to piss off.

It's not your decision, but he needs to accept the consequences of not having it done.