I want him to have a vasectomy

[AtomicSugababe]

Been with my partner 15 years, 2 kids. I’m late 30s and he’s 3 years younger.

I’m pretty sure all my sexually active life that contraception has caused anxiety and depression issues. I also had PND with our youngest. I was so poorly last year mentally and I’m sure the coil contributed. I’ve had it over a year now and I feel myself again, no moods, no depression, just normal me. He says he doesn’t want any more kids, and I don’t. Currently not on any contraception, he won’t use condoms so each month I’m anxious as hell until my period comes.

Ive been nagging and nagging him to get the snip. He replies with it’s a life changing decision, it’s painful and in a sensitive area! It’s not like a haircut.

I’m that fucking pissed off with him I’ve taken the kids and gone to my mums. Told him I’ll be back if he books a GP appointment. If he doesn’t then he’s putting himself first. It’s him who wants sex I wouldn’t be arsed if I didn’t have it again most of the time!

AIBU?

This is 💯 his issue as he won’t use condoms

@Ponyfootymama I bet that was a shock! How soon did you become pregnant after he had had the snip?
Similarly, I fell pregnant about 3 months after hubby's snip and was also on the pill as he hadn't had the final all-clear. We wouldn't have been able to keep the baby anyway but the decision was taken out of our hands as it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. I underwent emergency surgery as I had no idea I was pregnant and it had ruptured. Luckily I was OK, just minus a fallopian tube now.

This.

It's his body and his decision, but it's also your body and your decision- therefore no condom no sex.

I'm in the exact same situation, 2 kids late 30s and react badly to hormonal contraception and that coil moved and left me in pain do I got it out and won't try it again and wanted partner to get the snip. He said no and I haven't puffed it, his body his choice and all that but I refuse sex without comdom. Im not willing to spend the next how many years until menopause worrying about pregnancy and if he's desperate for no contraception sex then he only has one option. If he gets to choose not to then I get to choose not to risk my mental health

This is abuse. His behaviour.
I agree, he shouldn't have to have the op if he doesn't want to. However, he should not guilt or force you to have unprotected sex. And you shouldn't have this constant worry, that's pathetic on him to make you feel that way.

It makes my stomach turn at his words. Like he belongs in the early1900s or earlier.
You have as much rights as him. Stay at your mums. Stay away. But say no!

Did you miss the bit where she explains that he is pestering her for unprotected sex and refuses to use condoms? Or the post where OP details the awful side effects she gets from hormonal contraception? She was sectioned once as a result of it! I think strict adherence to condoms or a vasectomy is a reasonable ask tbh.

Condoms, no sex, vasectomy his choice.

Was it the hormonal coil?

Are you seriously saying that it is a woman's job to get sterilised to facilitate unprotected sex for her partner? This is a woman who has severe psychological health side effects from hormonal cotraception, and who's husband refuses to use condoms. Madness.

I'd be sorely tempted to stay away from him in every window! He sounds awful, selfish and uncaring.

Good luck to her trying to!!!

Doctors are notoriously known for refusing this as an option to women. I've had it myself

"What if you change your mind?"
"What if you meet somebody who wants kids" etc

Even women who already have enough (by their own standard) kids are refused it. I've even heard of women being asked "but what if one of your children dies? " (As of they are magically replaceable!

My best friend after begging for 10+ years, now she is over 40 they've finally agreed to refer her. But if a man wants a vasectomy? No issue. They don't get an interogation about it!

yes it is. I asked my GP once about it. Fortunately my DH was happy to wear condoms. Sorry but your DP is being a horrible, thoughtless prick, especially considering your mental health struggles with contraception. I do understand why he's not keen on the snip, but his refusal to use condoms is outrageous. If he doesn't see sense I guess its time for you to refuse sex otherwise you're gonna get pregnant.

I used to have the coil too before I had kids in between and afterwards. My ex husband didn't like condoms either (I don't think most men do like them). The coils made me have very heavy periods. After our second child I told him it was his turn and he could have a vasectomy. He refused to go private and I had to endure anther two years of the coil until he had it done on the NHS. It is a day surgery for a man but far more invasive for a woman. Well he had it done then got an abscess on in gum and an abscess on his testicle and he didn't know which end to hold!
People used to say but what if you two split up and he wants more children. I told them he had two already he had to pay for never mind somebody else's! Fast forward a few years and we split up when he had an affair. The affair ended he tried to come crawling back but I didn't want him. He ran off to Thailand to avoid paying any maintenance. However he couldn't make any other poor woman pregnant and leave her in the lurch either. I have re married and am very happy.

This!!!

Sounds exhausting!!

Stick by your guns!

He has a solution, he’s just choosing not to take it!

Is he manipulating/controlling in any other ways? Just curious….

@AtomicSugababe

THIS!!!

I didn’t want children anymore when i was 35 I had 3 so i was sterilised as i felt that if something happened to me and he remarried he could have more children if he wanted ,
it was really simple day surgery done by keyhole , so small incision by belly button and one on the bikini line . the only side effect was period like pains for a few days and wind
It was the best thing i ever did for myself
Speak to your GP or HV and ask

Not strictly true, the men being questioned part. I know several men who had the same questions. My doctor didn't ask me many questions about it, but I was questioned during my actual appointment.

I will say now - everyone is different with it in terms of pain etc, not the actual procedure, the pain after. My right testicle more than doubled in size a week after, and for a few days, I felt like someone was standing on it nonstop. Every now and then, I get a dull ache, only the right one 😆, which is also something I've never had before, so I'd 100% attribute this to the procedure. I also know people who have had zero pain and zero pain after.

I'm 40, have three kids, and even if I remarried, I'd not want any more kids.

Why on earth would you concern yourself with his next marriage? Why you specifically want to facilitate him having more kids with someone else?

Absolutely NOT reliable. Sperm can be released way before main ejaculation.

Fair play that your hospital would do it but I have had multiple refusals (been asking since late 20s). I know many others who have been refused to even be referred and won't unless it's medical need

I always get roasted on here when I say that (I am a woman!) but for me it is equal. Nobody has the right to demand sex from a spouse and nobody has the right to demand celibacy from their spouse. At that point ypu simply become incompatible.

You could just as well ask why a woman who does not want any more children would not want to get herself sterilised, as it solves the issue once and for all, ensuring she will never be in the same situation further down the line in the event of a new relationship. Unless she wants to keep her own options open?

The equivalent would be a man volunteering to get a vasectomy so that his wife could keep her options open.

What you've described is not the same thought process at all.

His body his choice. Just like it's your choice to have sex with him, with or without a condom.

DH won't have the snip, but he's happy to use condoms.