I want him to have a vasectomy

[AtomicSugababe]

Been with my partner 15 years, 2 kids. I’m late 30s and he’s 3 years younger.

I’m pretty sure all my sexually active life that contraception has caused anxiety and depression issues. I also had PND with our youngest. I was so poorly last year mentally and I’m sure the coil contributed. I’ve had it over a year now and I feel myself again, no moods, no depression, just normal me. He says he doesn’t want any more kids, and I don’t. Currently not on any contraception, he won’t use condoms so each month I’m anxious as hell until my period comes.

Ive been nagging and nagging him to get the snip. He replies with it’s a life changing decision, it’s painful and in a sensitive area! It’s not like a haircut.

I’m that fucking pissed off with him I’ve taken the kids and gone to my mums. Told him I’ll be back if he books a GP appointment. If he doesn’t then he’s putting himself first. It’s him who wants sex I wouldn’t be arsed if I didn’t have it again most of the time!

AIBU?

Following your update I think you should leave him, that will solve the problem. He sounds like a selfish sex pest.

Why should the responsibility be on op (who has already been through hell with various contraception options over the years)?

Why is it not his responsibility to either get a vasectomy or wear a condom?

I'm utterly astounded about some of the misogynistic comments I've read on here - do people really think in this day and age that a man should carry no responsibility for contraception? Someone who has witnessed their partners severe side effects of hormonal contraception, has fathered 2 kids already, pesters their partner for sex, wants to come in her and yet is too immature to even wear a condom ,never mind consider the minor surgery that is a vasectomy (it can be performed in a GP surgery by a specialist GP for God's sake) is the very definition of selfish male entitlement.

He sounds so ridiculous that you have to wonder if he thinks a vasectomy will stop him ejaculating.

Abusive behaviour? Life-changing surgery? Do get over yourself. OP has clearly stated that her DP doesn't want to use condoms and doesn't seem to care that she is currently the one taking all the risks. She's more than done her bit regarding contraception - now it's his turn. If you ask me, the abusive behaviour is all one-sided, as we have another selfish pig man who wants to keep his options open, no matter the cost to the OP.

ODFO.

You know what makes my husband such a "man"? That he knew after three kids (one poorly one and then twins) that we were both done, physically and financially, but that he wanted us to both continue having a loving sex life, and that the surgery was less invasive for him, and I'd done my bit over the last decade re contraception and pregnancy, and he wasn't focused on another woman if we split up because he knew our three were the only wants he wanted, so he had a vasectomy.

That's a "real" man.

Not a bloke going around with a swagger cos his ejaculate contains his genetic code.

It isn't in evolved society. My male friend has been very open about getting a vasectomy to do the right thing and be a responsible husband and father. My friends have been equally open about their partners getting one, and the language is always about how they're stepping up and doing the responsible thing. Most of us have matured past such stupidity, although clearly not all on this post.

Oh he’s an idiot. My DH chose to get one after our youngest was born and it was the best decision. No more anxiety every month, no more dodgy hormonal side effects for me. Really works well. It’s a minor operation, low risk (especially compared to pregnancy and labour ffs!) He needs to grow up and get on with it or at least use condoms.

Why can't he use condoms? They have no side effects. OP has listed all the contraception that she has used and the detrimental impact they have had on her physical and mental health.

To be honest, he sounds like a complete sex-obsessed pig and she would be better off leaving him.

True you need an anesthetic but it's quick and out same day .if it was me I would get myself done .men find this a front to there virility. I know it makes them sound immature and all that but they usually are on that front .

No, lots of men don find it an affront to their virility. Don't be daft.

Not sure why you’ve taken the kids to your mums.

you need to move back home. Stop risking your mental or physical health again you so can no longer have sex untill there’s a solution. Ask him how he’s like to proceed. Everyone he asks for or tried to have sex stop and say ‘so what are we doing to ensure I don’t get pregnant’ and stay silent until he answers…. Don’t fill the awkward silence. Let him solutionise it himself.

or make a joint docs appointment tent and discuss the pros and cons of male vs female sterilisation.

stop taking the full burden - it isn’t yours to carry and risk your health for.

Unfortunately lots of men really do feel like that. Most of the others just think it's not their responsibility because they can't get pregnant. I don't know which is worse.

Decent men don't. Decent partners and fathers who aren't always contemplating the new woman and the next batch of mini hims don't.

I don't think this is fair. I don't want any more children but I still feel sad that nature is inevitably taking the option away from me. It's a big psychological step and it's a physical procedure and no man has to do it to himself if he doesn't want to and he doesn't have to give a reason at all. It's his body.

However, if he won't use condoms either then it's up to OP if she wants to take that risk given other contraception has not suited her; the risks are all on her. She doesn’t, totally reasonably. So his choice is, use condoms or avoid penetrative sex, and he should make a choice, not whinge about it.

Female sterilisation is nothing like as big a deal as it used to be. Keyhole surgery and usually out of hospital the same day. Of course OP’s partner should use condoms, = but female sterilisation is an option too. It’s not “major surgery”.

Nature isn't taking it away from you. It's a choice to give it up. And you may not want to do it for many reasons but if one of those is "not being fertile is an affront to my virility" then sorry but you're ridiculous at best.

“men find this a front to there virility”

Only crap men.

ps it’s ‘their’

Menopause is a choice?

Decent men don't think like this.

Condoms do indeed exist, it's a shame that OP's partner won't use them.

If these are the kind of men in your life - constantly wanting sex and refusing to take any responsibility - I hope you are taking care.

Of course. But in reality lots of men aren't all that decent.

Agree with the PPs saying he's keeping his options open. If he doesn't want any more children, why is it an issue? If this was me, i'd also want him to have it done so that should we split, our biological children are protected from future unwanted half-siblings should he move on.

I think this is a fair point even if you think you don’t want any more children no one knows what the future will hold.

the ops partner is still young and maybe is open to the idea of more kids or maybe the reality that the relationship could end (both sides could end it or even someone passes away) and he might be happy to have more kids with a new partner.

im female btw i just know that things don’t always go as planned. I have one DC and I have said I don’t want more but that is because of my situation. That might all change if I met someone else. Something like vasectomies or having tubes tied is pretty final and I wouldn’t want to take that risk that my life might change.

as for the OP I understand contraception doesn’t work for them so the only option available is condoms. If he refuses to use them then don’t have sex or monitor your natural rhythm and time sex when you’re not fertile. It’s still risky though.

this relationship sounds unhealthy though anyway it’s abuse if she forces him to have the surgery and could likely end up with resentment from him which could end it anyway. And if he’s forcing the issue and making her have sex unprotected this is sexual assault.

This -

OP, you must be a bloody great risk-taker just waiting for your period every month!