I want him to have a vasectomy

[AtomicSugababe]

Been with my partner 15 years, 2 kids. I’m late 30s and he’s 3 years younger.

I’m pretty sure all my sexually active life that contraception has caused anxiety and depression issues. I also had PND with our youngest. I was so poorly last year mentally and I’m sure the coil contributed. I’ve had it over a year now and I feel myself again, no moods, no depression, just normal me. He says he doesn’t want any more kids, and I don’t. Currently not on any contraception, he won’t use condoms so each month I’m anxious as hell until my period comes.

Ive been nagging and nagging him to get the snip. He replies with it’s a life changing decision, it’s painful and in a sensitive area! It’s not like a haircut.

I’m that fucking pissed off with him I’ve taken the kids and gone to my mums. Told him I’ll be back if he books a GP appointment. If he doesn’t then he’s putting himself first. It’s him who wants sex I wouldn’t be arsed if I didn’t have it again most of the time!

AIBU?

If you get pregnant you are both equally to blame of course.

I think it’s more likely he is a coward and afraid of the procedure

YABU to insist he has a vasectomy. I know someone who made her husband have one and a couple of years later she had an affair and left him. The fact you have stormed out to your mums and are not much arsed whether you have sex with him again doesn't exactly represent a rock solid marriage.

He's selfish. He sees you as a sex aid, a hole to fulfill his want, nothing more. It doesn't matter to him that your mental health hasn't been good, all he cares about his getting his little pickle wet.
I wouldn't let that man anywhere near me again.

When I was in hospital having dc4 on my 3rd section and tubal ligation.(this was assumed by the doctors that that was what happened) I had a lovely straightforward obs dr go through the birth plan. DH was in the room. He also didnt want a vasectomy. She absolutely roasted him. "Why aren't you having a vasectomy then? Why are you letting your wife have an operation? You know there's a greater risk for her? Are you scared? Shes having her 3rd section and you are scared of a relatively minor operation" she sucked her teeth and shook her head. (She and I didn't know he didn't want one because he'd got another woman on the go and thought he'd go play happy families with her.) I had the ligation (tbh with the section I didn't notice much) he didn't have the snip and didn't run off with the ow.

@IsThistheMiddleofNowhere He's the one refusing to get a vasectomy or use a condom so I absolutely agree that OP should be refusing to have sex with him.

Male perspective.

Time for him to grow up tbh. Marriage, bringing up kids and managing the household are all EQUAL responsibilities in a partnership.

My wife and I discussed options ourselves, in a mature and friendly manner. There is no doubt sex is better for a man without a condom but yiu can't be that selfish if your partner is obviously suffering with contraception.

We agreed condoms for now given the variety of potential issues with the range of female contraceptives. I'm certainly not keen on the snip and have some sympathy with him on that score, but if that is what it eventually takes for us to maintain a balanced and healthy marriage I'd be willing.

I think a mature discussion is required. He certainly needs to truly understand how you have been feeling. If he isn't willing to compromise then actually I think you need to look deeper at the relationship.

@AutumnsDad From a male perspective then, what is it that puts you off having a vasectomy?

Whilst I have sympathy with 'his body, his choice', it does not take priority over 'your body, your choice'. You cannot use hormonal contraceptives, or the coil - they all make you ill in various ways. The remaining options are:

1. You have unprotected sex and are "anxious as hell until my period comes" - until of course one month your period does not come and you have another child (which both of you say you don't want). Rinse and repeat.
2. He has a vasectomy, which he does not wish to have.
3. He uses condoms, which he has so far refused to do. TBH I'm not sure I would trust this man not to agree to use a condom, but then 'stealth' it off and have unprotected sex with you.
4. No PIV sex ever again.

Basically he's hoping that you will become so exasperated that you will opt to be sterilised yourself.

"He bangs on about sex all the fucking time, how he wishes he could “cum in me” but can’t cos I’m not on anything - tbh at least at my mums I know I’m not at risk of being made to feel guilty when I refuse all the time. I keep saying he needs to use condoms but he’s made no effort"

This is not a good man. He prioritises condomless fertile sex over your physical and mental health. I'm not sure I'd want to continue the relationship with such a man, even if he now agreed to condoms and/or vasectomy.

I'd start getting my ducks in a row and prepare to split.

I know that the physical change doesn't necessarily stop ejaculation but I have a couple of friends who had a vasectomy some years ago and they both feel there is a definite reduction in enjoyment.

One also has post vasectomy pain in both testes. This is a dull ache normally but can be quite painful during and immediately following sex.

If there are sensible ways to manage the situation for both parties to prevent surgery I think they are best explored first. Hence we are careful around ovulation and use condoms every time.

I wouldn't rule it out if it were the only viable option. I agree with other posts it is far less intrusive and, as far as reports are concerned, usually less problematic going forward. Personal/friends experience always resonates harder though. I'm not against the procedure just wary given what I have been told by people I trust.

I'd never want to force my wife into something she didn't want to do, and that goes vice versa in our relationship.

Oh dear, a routine snip after you've given birth twice is too painful! It's reversible, he needs to man up. Xx

I know three men who have had a vasectomy. Interestingly all three cheated on their wives after having the procedure.

A vasectomy should be regarded as permanent. Reversal is not available on the NHS and is not always successful.

It’s not particularly painful, just a bit uncomfortable for a day or so. There are a very small number of men who report longer term pain, but compare that to the very real issues that hormonal contraception brings with it.

Why the hell should she? It is much bigger surgery for a woman. She’s had two children. A vasectomy is trivial by comparison. Why does the woman have to bear all the responsibility FFS.

OMG OP! You are not being unreasonable at all!
A vasectomy is a minor (and reversible!) operation that takes minutes, Vs a woman's options of hormonal control or a much more invasive and difficult operation!
This is a sensitive topic for me at the moment having just been through a really difficult time of pregnancy and then loss, made all the worse by my DH being absolutely devastated that I was pregnant in the first place, despite refusing to take any steps himself to prevent a pregnancy from occurring!
Like you, I've told him to leave me alone sexually until he is willing to either wear condoms or, better, get a vasectomy because if he doesn't want any more children, he needs to own that choice and stop putting all of the responsibility for it on me!

The pill and implant has definitely negatively impacted my mental health. Since being off it has definitely helped. I’ve still had episodes and I am back on antidepressants since I had my daughter 3 years ago. (PPD and PPA)
But I am on a lower dose this time.

We have been using condoms. We have gone a few times without anything but that’s a joint decision. My husband both wants and is scared about getting a vasectomy. But if he was insisting we don’t use condoms I just wouldn’t have sex with him at all.

Your husband sounds selfish.

Ah, the vasectomy…whilst I agree with what the majority are saying about your DP taking responsibility for future birth control, they aren’t foolproof. We know, we have a DS to prove the point. We waited the required time, had two sperm tests done to prove success, eagerly resumed our love life uninhibited so to speak and bingo! Another baby.

If this post was about a man demanding his partner to get sterilised, what an uproar there would be! For goodness sake, take responsibility and get yourself sterilised if you don’t want any more children.

@Ponyfootymama Vasectomies are over 99% effective which is a much higher rate than other forms of contraception. For example, the reliability rate of condoms is about 87%.

@ilovegranny No way was I going to subject myself to a much more complex and risky sterilisation when my husband could have a far simpler and quicker procedure. Which he did.

Yes I know that...midwife told us it was a 1 in 2000 chance that the vasectomy failed...but you know, when that 1 is you, it's not much comfort! Of course, DS was much welcomed and is much loved so no worries there.

I think it's safe to say that she's already done all the heavy lifting contraception wise. His turn now. I've known a number of men who have had the snip & none of them are dead & the only real life changing aspect is that they cannot get anyone pregnant. He's just a big wimp (at best)

Just to cover in meantime get a smart watch and keep an eye on your fertile window on the app, it measures your temp and then you link it up by how you feel and by your discharge, they usually match. Not 100% obvs but good to stay away from him during that window.

I’ve had the snip, no changes to anything. If not I’d say it’s improved “satisfaction” as there’s no stress around where the protection, becomes more spontaneous again.

In terms of pain, tiny bit of discomfort for a week, but was back walking around and looking after our daughter the day after.

I agree, don’t like condoms, I joked and said to the wife if I have the snip can we stop with them, she said yes. So I booked in!

On another note - separate to your comment, It never crossed my mind her being sterilised, she’s been through enough.