I want him to have a vasectomy

[AtomicSugababe]

Been with my partner 15 years, 2 kids. I’m late 30s and he’s 3 years younger.

I’m pretty sure all my sexually active life that contraception has caused anxiety and depression issues. I also had PND with our youngest. I was so poorly last year mentally and I’m sure the coil contributed. I’ve had it over a year now and I feel myself again, no moods, no depression, just normal me. He says he doesn’t want any more kids, and I don’t. Currently not on any contraception, he won’t use condoms so each month I’m anxious as hell until my period comes.

Ive been nagging and nagging him to get the snip. He replies with it’s a life changing decision, it’s painful and in a sensitive area! It’s not like a haircut.

I’m that fucking pissed off with him I’ve taken the kids and gone to my mums. Told him I’ll be back if he books a GP appointment. If he doesn’t then he’s putting himself first. It’s him who wants sex I wouldn’t be arsed if I didn’t have it again most of the time!

AIBU?

For whatever my husbands reasons are , which he is entitled to he wouldn’t consider a vasectomy. We had a conversation and he just wasn’t comfortable with it (stupid if you ask me as many friends partners have had one) But its ok because he is a grown up and wore a condom.

I now have the mirena coil but if for whatever reason I had it removed he would go back to using condoms.

I just love how some men can just ‘not be comfortable’ with these things and yet women will quite literally be left holding the baby if contraception fails.

So much for a team effort.

Well, it IS a life-changing decision (if you split up, he's not having kids again)
BUT imho he's being a selfish tw@t 🙄
Tell him from me (bloke here 👋) it's a few days of discomfort, and that's it. It has absolutely no effect on one's existing libido or ability to get/maintain an erection. (I had one 20+ years ago, once we'd had enough kids) 👍

Op is allowed to make excuses. They are excuses based upon decades of experience of birth control and pregnancies. If he's allowed excuses, she sure as shit is. Stop holding women to higher standards than shit men.

@YorkshireGoldDrinker

he can wear condoms. Or if he really can’t bear it that, and he won’t get a vasectomy, then as you say he will fuck off to shag someone else. Which I actually don’t think would be a good thing - OP would be free and can find herself someone better or be single and please herself.

Just get sterilised. Or stop having sex with him.I never agree with an individual dictating life changing surgery in others. We’ve normalised this in the case of vasectomies but you can’t force people into this. A surgeon wouldn’t so how can a partner?

OMG we really haven't normalised this with vasectomies. Very few men even have them!
What's normalised is the assumption that women will bear the brunt of family planning for decades, despite the side effects and without complaint or query.

You can't force him to, he may envisage having more children in the future. But it is ridiculous using no contraception if you don't want more children, and his excuses are pretty feeble. You could get sterilised but that is a much bigger deal. Get him to talk to a gp about what a simple procedure it is.

I'm not holding anybody to a higher standard. I am merely pointing out that OP will be the one to fall pregnant! Not her partner that's the reality.

God you’ve just reminded me of a comment my dad made when my best friend had her first baby, something about her “ knowing what’s it’s like to be a real woman now” 🤮🤮🤮🙄😳

OP has tried the hormonal coil and has suffered awful side effects. The progestogen in the coil, pills and implants can lower serotonin levels leading to low mood and anxiety.
I agree with PP who suggest he either uses condoms or doesn't have sex.
Glad it worked for you though.

I’ve tried the combined pill (which I now can’t have due to a blood clot risk), the implant, the mini pill, the copper coil, the mirena and the depo injection over the years. None have been great.

The pill - I can’t have (blood clot risk)
the mini pill made me so depressed he walked in at 2pm and I’d not gone to work but was sat in bed with a bottle of wine (before kids)
the implant gave me migraines
i was sectioned while having the mirena in!!
the injection made me quite moody and my GP doesn’t seem to think they give it very regular now?
The copper coil gave me such heavy periods I had to miss work and have a couple of days in bed, plus I’m already having to take prescribed iron every day

i even asked my GP who has been there through my MH battles about trying the coil again and even she said she wouldn’t advise it given what I’ve been through over the past year for a while yet. I’ve really tried it all.

He bangs on about sex all the fucking time, how he wishes he could “cum in me” but can’t cos I’m not on anything - tbh at least at my mums I know I’m not at risk of being made to feel guilty when I refuse all the time. I keep saying he needs to use condoms but he’s made no effort

You need to get rid of him.

He’s horrible.

Some men love this line:

If not, then he'll look for what he wants elsewhere.

As if we care! Oh no, who will moan that we've stacked the dishwasher incorrectly and leave their socks everywhere? Who swing their dick around when they get out of the shower like they are the first bloke that ever thought to do it? Who will pinch our bums while we're in the middle of dishing up a family meal? Who will interrupt our baths because theyre linely and needy? Who will take an hour dump during peak childcare time 😭🤣

Do some men they really think they are so good in bed that we are all desperate to shag them that there is a queue?

And that risking an unwanted pregnancy is the lesser evil to wearing a condom?

Your update is heartbreaking @AtomicSugababe

The fact he’s witnessed you go through all of this and doesn’t have any drive to want to do something to help you by having this vasectomy shows his lack of respect and love for you.

He’s an absolute pig.

What a load of toxic nonsense.
Why would it make him ‘half a man’? My DH is most definitely still a whole man after his vasectomy. He also drove himself to and from the appointment and did a big shop on the way home.

As For him looking elsewhere, doesn’t sound like he’d be a big loss tbh.

"cum in me" that statement made me borrrk

You can't and shouldn't force him to have a vasectomy. His body, his choice right! It is quite a small procedure though.

If you are sure you don't want more children then what about getting your tubes tied?

Also you could try the dutch cap?

i think it would help if the language of ‘firing blanks’ and ‘half a man’ was no longer currency. I’ll tell you what, the freedom of no risk of pregnancy that a vasectomy brings most definitely makes for good s%x.