My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

If you want a relationship with him I'd let him see the kids supervised by yourself at all times but it would depend on the actual backstory of the assault

You are absolutely in the right here. Trust your gut & keep your children safe.

Id say keep them away. Good you've kept in touch, i couldn't have. As for your brother he has no say in how you parent your kids.

Keep him away from your children

Your father was imprisoned for sexually abusing a CHILD ( under 18) and you're wondering if he should be around your children?? I'd also be concerned that your brother thinks it's normal behaviour...

The fact his poor victim was 17 is neither here nor there.

I wouldn't allow him contact with my kids even if she was a fully grown woman.

So I dont know the full details of the assault as he hid the fact he was going to court so I wasnt able to attend.

From what I have been told he change a time to met her Grandmother so they could be alone and that when the assault took place, but I only have his side of what happened in that time

Yeah, I'd be putting an ocean of distance between us. He's a violent sex offender.

It might be ok if they are fully supervised, never alone with him. Sorry eta I take that back but wasn't able to delete. This is above my pay grade; leaning towards not having them around him.

I would not be allowing my children to be around a convicted sex offender. If your brother is happy to allow that for his own children, well, thats his choice. I think you are absolutely right.

Thank you for all the people commenting so far! Its nice to feel I am not being unreasonable.

For context in why im still speaking once a week, I feel if I had stop talking to him completely and he decided to take his own life (which im sure many would say it would be no great loss considering what he did) that I would love with the guilt that my action caused his death.

Just wanted that added as I know some will be wondering why I am even in contact myself at all.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP but you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

It must be very hard to know your dad assaulted a young woman, or any woman. There is no reason to think he is sexually attracted to children; his victim was not a child; but he has been abusive to at least one woman and do you want your young children growing to trust and love someone who would do that? I'd be inclined to wait until they are old enough to hear what your father has done, and let them decide for themselves.

I don’t have any advice. Just sympathy and empathy. A close family friend of mine was convicted of a sex offence. So many of my childhood memories are now very tainted and confusing.

It doesn't matter whether 17 is above the legal age of consent or not. If he was convicted it clearly means the consent was not forthcoming regardless of age.

I would not have him anywhere near my child. It must have been serious to get a prison sentence.

EDIT: Just to say, a close friend of mine was convicted of a child sex offence earlier this year. It has completely rocked my world, came as a complete surprise and has had impacts I never would have guessed. I can't even imagine how much harder it would be if it was a family member, so I'm so sorry you're going through that.

People who are very loved and have done no wrong sadly take their own life.

You phoning him or not would likely have no bearing on this. If he wanted to, he would/ will. You should never keep a relationship with someone out of guilt for what if he kills himself. You are giving him power over you and you are being made to doubt yourself over whether your kids are safe with him.

Forget he’s your dad. Most sexual offences are within the family. Keep your kids safe. He’s already shown you who he is and what he’s capable of. Don’t make him show you again.

Not a chance I'd let my children near him, even supervised; they can never have a real or close relationship with him now and they would be my priority not his feelings. Get him told sooner rather than later and tell your brother to fuck off, the fact he doesn't get this would make me wary of him too.

Absolutely no way would I allow them to be alone together.

if he won’t disclose to you the circumstances of the offence, can you ask the police or solicitor to help, perhaps if there is a safe guarding issue they will give you some information to make a decision?

OP you could probably find the judge’s sentencing remarks online.

And if I were you I would - the fact he hid it, and has ended up with a custodial sentence, suggests it was very serious.

Trial details are public so you could get more details, held in the national archives

Are you close to your dad? What was he like when you were growing up? What kind of relationship did he have with your children before this? Would they be upset at not seeing him again?
If you don't want him to see your kids then that's absolutely your choice, you shouldn't need validation from anyone else. It would make me feel uncomfortable too, I have 2 girls.
It sounds like you still want a relationship with your dad yourself - I'm sure he would choose to accept this and still have you in his life than have nobody at all?
Your decision is a consequence of his actions, and his actions only - you can't be responsible for how he feels now. If it's too hard for him to deal with then unfortunately that's on him. Your children are always going to come first.
Pp suggestions of supervised contact only could be a good compromise, but don't do this just to spare his feelings. I'd only do this if I felt 100% comfortable with it.

Not a chance I’d let my children be anywhere near him, I don’t need to know the full details, he has been found guilty and served prison time, that’s enough for me .

i wouldn’t have contact with him either.

Your daughters might not be his “target” age at the moment, but in a couple of years they very much will be. You do not want him to have groomed them into not speaking up, over the intervening years.

He’d be having nothing to do with my children or with me, end of. Not an easy decision, but quite a straightforward one.

The reality is though that - despite what people will proclaim in the abstract on MN - most people in your situation will not stop contact and will behave like your brother.

My stepfather is a convicted child sexual offender and so is step-FIL (if you can believe it, yes, two of the losers in our family). I am completely NC with my mum and stepdad as a result, and also NC with step-FIL. We see MIL in limited ways. Neither of these men has had any contact with our children since we found out and they never will. My mum also has no contact with my children because I can’t guarantee she is safe (has facilitated his re-offending since the initial conviction).

We are the ONLY family members (other than the children who were abused) who have cut off contact. Everyone - and I mean literally everyone - in the family brings their children around them like it’s the most normal thing in the world. It’s not. But denial is strong and it’s more comfortable keeping your head in the sand than dealing head on with shit.

But the gift I’ve given my children is that one day they will find out the full story of the abuse that has gone on in our families. It’s inevitable. And I will NEVER have to explain to them why they weren’t worth keeping safe from that happening to them too. They will know I put them first and valued their safety above keeping up appearances and playing happy families. I have absolutely no regrets about that decision.