My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

Op, is he threatening to take his own life if you stop talking to him? If that's the case, it speaks volumes.
For him to be imprisoned for abusing a child proves it must have been a very serious offence, are you afraid of him or your brother?

You can make an application to Police for info on the nature of the offence and any other history relevant to sexual offences. Claire’s law is for domestic abuse, Sarah’s law is for sexual offences. I’d absolutely be doing that in the first instance, then it may help you make up your mind

This man is a sex offender

He cannot be trusted to be around women or children

Or even men, who knows what goes through his head

He set a trap for a child when her grandparent had been groomed by him over a period of time so that they both saw him as 'safe'?

Why would you even want to see this scum?

Your priority is your own children. I would never risk them being around someone who is a sex offender, regardless of the age of the victim. You choose to have a relationship with him if you wish but for the sake of safeguarding your daughters I would keep them well away, you would never forgive yourself if he did anything to them.

Well, if he didn't blackmail you with that, he's probably thinking he won't get another shot at a kid for the next few years - whether it's your own children or one of their friends, he's got a lot to lose if he can't terrorise you into compliance, hasn't he?

How long was his sentence? He will be released on licence and may well not be allowed any contact with anyone under the age of 18 for the duration of that licence, unless children’s services agree otherwise. That’s usually standard for someone who has offended against a child, ie someone under 18. The fact they were above the age of consent doesn’t change that and likely will still apply. Maybe speak to your local children’s services as they are likely to agree he shouldn’t have contact and you can say that to him should he wonder why you aren’t permitting it.

Picture yourself trying to explain your decision to your daughters in 5 or 6 years time. I think it’s much easier to explain to them why you felt you had to keep them away than it is to find a justification for why you thought letting him see them would all be fine.

YANBU. Frankly I’d go a step further and cut contact with his side of the family. Or at least the male relatives.

I don’t want to go into details in a public forum but let’s just say I’ll regret forever that I didn’t.

No

I would keep him away his crime seem very cunning you owe him nothing and your daughters certainly don't.
Also what impact would it have on your marriage if you went against your husband's wishes ?

Does anyone know how to find these remarks online? Or how to go about getting them ive called the courts and I was given a form to request but woth the nature of the case the judge can refuse me the information.

I wouldn't let him anywhere near children.

Your children will find out what he did when they are older too and will question why they were allowed near him.

Keep them safe.

Also, his actions are no reflection on you.
If he's threatening suicide, that's manipulative and you shouldn't tolerate that.

Pls don’t have contact or let him see your dc. I was abused by my father and the way my mum acted made it all so much worse. Protect them. I look back and am angry she didn’t. Don’t let your dc think they’re not important enough to protect and that a child abuser is worth more.

My goodness op so sorry to hear you have had to experience this. I absolutely would do the exact same in your position and would never let my DF see my children ever again until they are consenting adults and can make that choice themselves. He's a risk to society.

@Lordvampire3 even if your father was supervised at all times with your children, the message you are sending to your children is that ‘Grandad is a safe person’. He isn’t.

I would never speak to my father again if he done this, he most certainly would not be around my children as if we are all happy families. I’m sorry, not a chance, your brother is delusional

Just google his name if it was ever in any paper you will find it.

This depends entirely on the case. Highly unlikely OP will find the sentencing remarks online they are usually only published when it’s in the public interest. Otherwise only victims of serious sexual and violent offences can request them for free. Otherwise you’d have to pay to get them.

I would contact the police force where he lives. He should be a registered sex offender and be managed by a detective who will monitor him and ensure his relatives are aware of the risk he poses

In the legal use of the term , a child is someone who has not reached their 18th birthday,so his victim WAS a child but above the age of consent which is also completely different term (and consent was obviously not given).

OP could the police give advice? We run a group where a dad was convicted if a sexual assault and although we couldn't discuss specifics they did tell us where we stood, and safeguarding we should do.

I think your brother exploding at you and your dh for not allowing your father who sexually assaulted someone to see your children speaks volumes on the type of person your brother is. He is minimising the assault on that poor woman, mimisising the threat to your daughters who will very soon be young women. I would question your brothers morals on this one.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It cant be easy at all and you are't aibu at all xxx

Your actions/lack of actions do not make someone take their own life, that is purely their actions but often they will guilt people into doing what they want by threatening etc.

Please dont be swallowed up by this. If YOU want to continue contact, then do it, but don't continue if its not what you want.
Do what's right for you and yours. They are the important ones here.

You seem to be speaking to your father because you fear he’ll commit suicide if you don’t.

If you father does commit suicide, you didn’t cause or have any bearing on that. He chose his path in life, please never feel your responsible for any of his actions, ever. You are not responsible for your father’s actions.

I think you are right to be wary and keep him away from your kids, or allow very limited and supervised contact. I’ve just done jury duty for a sexual assault case and it is very hard to prove, ( often one word against another), it has to be beyond reasonable doubt. If he was convicted there will have been solid evidence. Listen to your gut, if your brother tries to pressure you stand firm.