My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

Absolutely not. Honestly I would be concerned about someone’s ability to protect their child/children if they did. A firm no. And don’t let other family members make you feel bad, you are safeguarding your children which is your job and as for the feelings of the person that did it, I’m sorry but they gave away the right to contact when they made the decision to do that.

As a manipuulative sex offender, I doubt that he would take his own life. He will threaten to do so to manipulate you and to get his own way. Many people have gone no contact with a parent for much less than what your father has done.

I don't understand your brother's position on this at all. Isn't he also disgusted and ashamed of what his dad has done or is he minimising and excusing the sexual assault? If it is the latter, I would be giving him a wide berth as well.

You made a very reasonable decision with your DP (whose views are also very important here). Your father created this situation so you don’t have to feel guilty. He is responsible for his behaviour and the consequences of it.

For the person that ask as well, I had no issues in my childhood and honestly cant fault him as a fathe

I don’t remotely trust your benchmark for what you perceive as a “fault” in a father

The age of consent in the UK is 16. Its an anomaly that 16 and 17 year olds are called children legally and the terminology confuses this kind of issue. The man's crime was sexual assault, not sex with a child. I guess anyone can have paedophilic tendencies, but there is no evidence in this case.
Assuming that the two things are connected is a little bit like the bad old days when being a gay man was conflated with sexually abusing young boys. That idea seems to have gone or at least decreased. Much more unfair of course, because being gay is not wrong and sexual assault is.
I am with OP in being reluctant to let her dad spend time with her children until they are older. I wouldn't allow it.

His offence was serious enough to warrant a prison sentence so I think you are right to keep him away from your children.

Oh my heavens. This is a man who would sexually assault a 17 year old. And you think that makes him safe with children?

that is not a risk I would ever, ever take. He shouldn’t be alone with any females - he is a dangerous man.

When someone tells you who they are believe them.

Well firstly, your brother is free to make his own decisions, but has no business making yours.

whatever you decide is the right thing, but if you want to feel more confident/justified when discussing this with your brother, I would suggest that if you do some reading around reoffending profiles for sexual offenders - The profile is very different to other crimes - you will feel entirely justified in your decision

Remember, if he / family kick off, who started all this? Your father, not you. This situation is all of his own making

Nope. People like this have a way of engineering things to be alone (and it sounds like this is how the sexual assault happened) so supervised contact is not going to work. Start with an absolute no right from the start, it will be easier in the long run. Given your brother's response I would also keep your kids away from him too.

Keep your kids away from this convicted sex offender.

Interesting your male sibling is sticking up for his sex offender father. This is how men get away with this behaviour. Families accepting it. They should be shunned.

I honestly would have ended my relationship with my dad the second he was convicted of sexual assault. I genuinely wouldn't ever want to see or speak to him again, never mind let my kids near him.
If he commits suicide, and that is highly unlikely as suicide threats are a very common manipulation tactic used by abusive men, then that is entirely on him. At least he wouldn't be able to sexually assault anyone else.

There is not a chance in hell I would let a convicted sex offender spend time with my children. Not a chance. You are definitely not being unreasonable, OP.

I’m not suggesting that the OP allow her father to see her children, but this really isn’t true. There is a vast difference between 11 and 17, and just because someone assaults an older teen, doesn’t mean they have an interest in pubescent children. I don’t know why people always conflate the two things, it’s still a heinous crime without having to suggest that it’s also paedophilia (it’s not).

Has your db got dd's?

if your brother is daft enough to want to let his kids see him then let him get on with it.
stick to your guns the kids look to you for protection no matter what age. not being funny but you do not know the facts of this case or if there is any more to this

This is very dangerous.

First he gets to know the kids and form a relationship, then he’s messaging them or contacting them without the knowledge of the parents, kids think he’s ok so see no harm, then he encourages them to sneak off and meet him.

It gives him the opportunity to groom the kids. It’s dangerous.

The backstory shouldn’t matter.

It‘s so hard to charge an offender with rape. Even harder getting it to trial, securing a conviction and sentencing to prison. 17 years old is still a child.

There’s no way in hell I would have a sexual predator around my children.

Unfortunately it sounds like your brother is taking after his father - another man who takes it as read that the rights of other people (certainly young / female people) should automatically be treated as a great deal less important than what he wants. Stop this pattern now, I say.

You need your head checked. What are you thinking exposing a child sex offender to your own kids. If I was your dh I would report you if you did that!!

The mind doesn’t ‘boggle’. OP’s reactions are perfectly normal.

When you discover that a close relative is a sex offender, it is a long process to come to terms with it. If OP hasn’t ascertained details of the offence it’s because she’s not mentally ready to do that - yet. Her brain is protecting her. But over time, I’m sure she’ll move in that direction.

People don’t understand because to them, it’s obvious. You don’t expose your children to sex offenders. Period.

But when it’s somebody close, on one hand you know what they are. They’re an evil twisted brute who committed a terrible act (or acts). But on the other hand they are your beloved Dad/brother/grandfather/son who you have happy memories of, they’re kind and loving. Letting go is difficult. Trying to square those two opposites is an enormous mental and emotional challenge and it takes time.

OP, my heart goes out to you. You really need some counselling to reconcile all this and let go of this guilt. You know that keeping your children safe is your priority, but you need to come to terms with who your father is, and know that none of what has happened, or may happen in the future, is your fault. 💐

I think you are doing the right thing not letting him see your kids I know you are concerned about him hurting himself but i would be more worried in case he forms a relationship with your children and ever harms them in the future the fact he was convicted says a lot and that it was such a young girl he harmed I can't understand why your brother can't appreciate this x

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would not allow him to see or have a relationship with your children.

I doubt he poses a risk to them sexually right now - the woman he assaulted was biologically an adult and there is no reason to assume he is a paedophile. But clearly his moral compass is way off so who knows what risks contact with him may pose to them in future.

Also - he's carried out a planned, presumably violent sexual assault. It's a terrible thing and one day your children will be able to understand that the way you do now. I think it would cause your children emotional damage in the long run to have any kind of fond relationship with him in this context. It's better that they understand he is dangerous and bad (in child appropriate terms) from the start, and have no attachment to him. Better that he doesn't taint any of their precious childhood memories by association.

Once again, I'm so sorry you are in this position.

@Lordvampire3 the details of the case may have been printed in your local newspaper.