My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

It's a no from me

Not sure why your brother is sticking his nose. They aren't his children so he doesn't get a say

Another way to think about this is to look at the statistics of reported sexual assaults v convictions. The figures I found included rape in those statistics. Approximately only 10% of SA are reported and of them only 3% result in conviction. So the fact that he was convicted says a hell of a lot about the safety of his conviction, and that what he did was bad enough to require a custodial sentence as a lot of SA convictions dont get that. That young woman will have gone through hell to prove what happened to her, do you want your children to think that you are ok with a man like that in their life? Because if they dont know already then eventually they will and it will almost certainly alter their view of you. There have been threads about this on here before from women who's family members took rapists or paedophiles back into their lives, and how those women will never see those people in the same way again.

So while I dont think that he is a risk to your children in particular, I would not allow anyone to think that I condone that behaviour by having any sort of relationship with him.

I understand the contact while he was in prison (clearly he didnt expect to go) I think I would do the same for the same reasons. But once he is out? Nope. Done. Not my problem.

Please keep your children safe from him. You would never ever forgive yourself if you allowed him to assault one of them. It is not safe.

This is one of those awful times where you have to pick a side, and if it means losing contact with your brother then that's the risk you take for peace of mind and safety

Honestly, i wouldnt be seeing him at all. Hes a monster. Maybe you will understand this when your own kids are 17.

I think when your daughters reach the age of 17, you will see how vulnerable they are; how they are still finding their way into the confusing world of adulthood; how susceptible they might be to the compliments of older men and how very very young they still are. Would you place them into the hands of some grubby, manipulative older male stranger? Would you push them to socialise and be polite with him? Accept his kisses? His hugs? Of course you wouldn’t. It’s no different, OP. Please don’t put them in a position where they feel they have to play along to please you. You’ll have a really hard time explaining why you did this to them in years to come, even if he did nothing to them. Once they find out - and they will - they would find it upsetting that you would put them at risk. I can see why it’s hard for you now but you need to be strong here, OP.

I would be suspicious of the reaction from your brother, when you told him your father would have no contact with your children. Is he being leaned on by your father to persuade you to facilitate contact perhaps?

Someone in our family was also charged with the same offence. Me, DH or DC have been completely NC since we were made aware of them being charged. Fully intend on staying that way. Some family have stood by him, no idea how as I could never. It's been almost 4 years! My DC will never have contact with him again, and I had absolutely no issue in telling him this, and any other family members who disagree. My only priority is protecting my DC, not others peoples feelings.

I wouldn’t have a relationship with him, let alone my children.

YANBU to not have your dad around your kids.

YWNBU to have nothing to do with him again

You are not responsible for your dad's actions and you shouldn't be doing anything to soothe his 'anguish' whilst he's completing his sentence. You don't have to tell him he's not seeing the kids anymore, you just have to not do it. And if he does ask directly you tell him the truth as to why you won't be letting him near them.

You don’t know that for certain at all. It’s not a risk that I would take, sounds like you would though.

Any type of sexual assault.. against a child or adult.. and I'd not be letting my kids near that person. It's so hard to get convictions for sexual assault. The burden of proof is high. To serve time for it it must have been bad. No way would I be letting someone like that round my kids even with supervision. Because obviously this man decided to behave like this. What does that mean about his attitude towards women? Even if he wouldn't attack your daughters physically you'll be having someone around them who has ideas about women and girls that led him to do that. This is not something you want to expose your girls to AT ALL from a family member they may love and trust. It would be so unhealthy for them.
Cut him out of your life and do not feel guilty. Protect all of you. Stay strong. Sending you love ❤️

I'm sorry that you're going through this OP. The decision you have come to is understandable.

In your position I would likely still put in a request under Sarah's Law, just in case anything changes/your brother really puts the pressure on etc. I think I'd want to know the facts.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/find-out-if-a-person-has-a-record-for-child-sexual-offences

Wft. He preplanned the assault. Keep him away from your DCs. He is clearly a predator. Your DB is a numbskull.

If it was me, I wouldn't see him either.

Havent rtft but You need therapy...you dont seem to know your own mind

I'm afraid my father will X.
My brother kicked off now i am afraid and should i do Y?

Why do you care what these scummy men think?
Follow ypur instincts unapologetically

Amazed you call him, I wouldnt even speak to him if he was my father...

It's your and your husbands' decision alone; your brother is wrong to interfere. He's not responsible for the children and won't be the one caring for them or dealing with the aftermath if anything happens. His expressing anger at you and trying to make you feel guilty feels uncomfortably like bullying.

IF your father is a decent person and a caring father and grandfather, he'll understand that the children's safety is much more important than his feelings. If you come to believe that he feels genuine remorse, understands the hurt he's done, and is unlikely to reoffend, you COULD reconsider letting them see him when they are old enough to make the choice and to speak up if anything is wrong but I think the fact that he has not been open with you about what happened makes that scenario much less likely.

Not a chance. I wouldn’t be able to act like this is normal. He assaulted a child. 17 year olds aren’t adults. If your brother thinks what he did is ok then I wouldn’t want to be near him either.

YANBU not to want your children to see your father. Not because he’s likely to be a risk to them - given the age of his victim, there’s nothing to indicate that he’s a paedophile - but simply because sex offenders aren’t people your kids should be hanging out with. At all. I probably wouldn’t want to hang with him myself, if I were in your position.

Probably not whats going on.

Read an intersting article about why people do this and its because they cant reconcile the idea of "Dad" (or mum/daughter/son/ whoever) doing such an awful thing. So they compartmentalise. It said that they sort of invent a new person in their head that did those things, that was the person in court, that was the person in prison, but once they are out they are Dad/Husband again and all is good and they dont have to think about it anymore.

The OP refusing to just pretend nothing ever happened is forcing the brother to confront a reality he doesnt want to confront. If life doesnt pick up as if dad has been on a long holiday then brother will have to accept that his father is a man who sexually assaulted a 17 year old girl. And that is something he doesnt want to do.

The age makes it bad but even if it were an adult I’d not be happy with my kids around such a person. Your brother perhaps doesn’t get it because he’s male? If you accept such a person in your life you teach your kids it’s acceptable to view women as sexual resources and take as your please

In my experience I would keep him far away from your children and stick to phone contact. It is so easy for boundaries to blur as time moves on. People like your dad are often master manipulators and very good at getting what they want.

We had a family friend that was convicted of a similar crime to a similar age person. My parents allowed us children to visit him in prison and the relationship continued once he was out of prison.

It came out years later that he had also raped myself and multiple of my siblings once we hit 16.

I have also worked with sexual offenders of all varieties and some have been very open about how they do what they do. Manipulation and become a crucial person to others is always part of the plan.

No, of course you aren’t. I’d be seriously questioning your husband’s position.

In addition to the excellent advice here to go with your gut etc, may I add that you are not responsible for the consequences of your father's deplorable actions. He was incarcerated as a court decision after a trial. You are not responsible for anything your father does either.
It sounds like your brother is struggling as well, but in a different way, as a child loyal to his dad and unable to step outside of that. Sadly, your dad is a criminal. There's no way to sugar coat it.

Any sexual assault is bad, but for him to go to prison for a (presumably?) first offence, it must have been particularly bad, since it seems to be so difficult to get a rape conviction.

I certainly wouldn't let him near a child of mine, not even when they're adults.

When I was a new teacher, I realised that my parents had allowed a sex offender - a friend of a relative's - into the house. (Our relative had come first footing and had brought his friend with him.) I told my mother that if they allowed him in the house again, then I could never visit them - in my line of work, I could not be seen to be associating with someone of that kind.

He wasn't allowed back in the house. [ETA This was years after he'd been imprisoned. His excuse was that he'd been drunk.]

Footnote

Years later, the offender was charged with historical offences and went back to prison. Once he was imprisoned, other victims came forward. One was a child born to the offender after he was first released from prison.

He died in prison.

Do not take the chance, @Lordvampire3 .

I am so sorry that that happened to you.

May I ask....

Did you know about his conviction when you visited him? Has it changed your relationship with your parents? What did they say when it all came out?

Of course I understand if you would rather not answer.

There would be no nuances or weighing up of facts or consulting anyone else for me. My child would not, with my knowledge, have contact with a known sex offender (I work with sex offenders and know a lot about them). It would not matter who they were.