My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

I think you are in a terrible position @Lordvampire3but this best thing that you can do is to make an informed decision. I know that it will be hard but perhaps you do need to find out the facts of the court case/ conviction. Perhaps a Sarah’s Law request via your local police force or 101.

Do not allow your brother to influence the decision you make.

I feel like I've read about this. I remember reading about some scum who set a trap as you describe.

I cannot believe your even considering havomg your children anywhere near him.

You would allow him to see your kids so he doesnt harm himself means you are putting him first try putting your kids first and actually its not even up for debate, their father should be saying its a no!! She wasnt the 1st girl he groomed he just got caught, when your kids are over 18 they can choose but under 18 you choose and you choose them

My mistake apologies I didnt realise that.

Yes. You can look up the judgements (published online). You know his name, roughly when he was sentenced, and which country in the UK the court case was heard.

https://www.bailii.org/indices/ew-cases-0092.html - Bailii should have it.

If my father was a sex offender neither myself nor my children would remain in contact with him.

Thank you for all the post and I am sorry I am unable to reply to all of them!

This has helped reinforce my decision and make me feel like I should never of doubted it on the first place.

Thank you also to those who had made me realise that having the contact regardless of what happens has been a way of me not having control. I will be cutting contact, and if parts of my family cant expect that then I guess it might be time to cut them to, my children and my DP are my world and I will always want to keep them safe.

For the person that ask as well, I had no issues in my childhood and honestly cant fault him as a father (his now crime has completely tainted all of that though)

Sometimes It helps to have the outaide perspective and to point out things that I might overlook as it is a "norm" to myself

Thank you everyone

No I'd never let my child near a sex offender nor would I want to be around a sex offender myself and I have a couple in my family and I cut them off second I found out about their crimes.

I think there are 2 questions here -

Would you be unreasonable to stop your children seeing your dad?
NO you would be 100% reasonable to do this if that is what you want to do.
Would you be unreasonably putting your children at risk if you did let your children see your dad?
NO If you put in appropriate safeguards such as you or another trusted adult always being in the room or space alongside your dad and your children.

In general I would try and keep my kids away from anyone who has been in prison at all. Definitely away from a sex offender.

I have been in a similar, but not the same position as you OP.

My father was an alcoholic and due to his behaviour I stopped seeing him and didn’t allow my children to see him.

He later committed a violent assault against a woman he was living with and soon after that he killed himself.

I’ve never once regretted my decision. My family did not need that in their lives and how can anyone who exhibits these kind of behaviours bring anything good into your life. Consider your family and cut your father out would be my advice. Unless I felt this was a gross miscarriage of justice, I couldn’t have anything to do with him.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FATHER'S ACTIONS.

This includes his offending and anything he might do as the result of his conviction. Including harming himself in any way.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

This means you put them first every time and you don't compromise because a convicted criminal doesn't like it. Or your brother doesn't like it.

Its none of your brother's business regardless of your family relationships.

So sorry you are going through this. The decision about your children seeing your Dad is up to you and your DP - nobody else gets a say. I would think you are going to need time to work out what sort of a relationship you want with your Dad yourself as a starting point- and you can then consider whether your children meet him or not when/if you are ready. Don’t be rushed into anything you are not comfortable with. Don’t be gaslit by your wider family about your behaviour impacting your Dad’s feelings either.

Sounds like a very sensible decision OP.

It might be worth reaching out to the Lucy Faithful Foundation, who provide support for families. And I'd agree with a previous poster about a Sarah's Law enquiry.

Absolutely no chance. I would not allow my children to have contact with any convicted sex offender. There is no "exception" to this.

OP,
If your dad has been convicted of this. Would he not have stipulations around his release? I.e report any contact with children? Not sure about this as your post states it was not tried as a child offence.
I could be wrong, if this is the case would it not be with a social worker that you’d agree to it? Your brother should respect your decision.

Also, I’m in a similar situation although there’s no conviction and it wasn’t a child - someone close to us though and absolutely no meetings or contact with my children since it came to light. Upsetting as my oldest child asks questions and I get visibly upset at times. It’s tough but the right thing x

It would make no difference to me if his victim was a child, adult, male or female. I will not associate with sex offenders. That is a line I am willing to draw, and one he and the rest of the family need to accept.

I agree with this 👆

But someone who fancies 17 year olds is not defined as a paedophile and OPs children would not be at risk in that way, though she may wish to stop contact for other good reasons.

Whatever he did must have been really bad to get a conviction and a custodial sentence in this country on that charge! I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again and certainly wouldn't let him near my children.

This must be like having a bomb chucked in your life OP, I really feel for you. In a way the age of the victim is irrelevant, it is the fact that he has treated another human being as an object and subjected them to a traumatic assault You are right to keep him well away from your children .

You'd never be responsible for his death, blame yourself would be wrong. Ultimately it would be his own choice.

As for his children, again don't be bullied into something you do not want to do. Personally I'd not open that can of worms by your dad meeting your children, not worth the risk. Your brother is unfair and the fact that you're in touch with your dad is generous as it is.

No. No, no, no no

If you go onto.tge judiciary website you will be able to find the transcript of the sentencing remarks by the judge. It might help you in your decision making.

Can refuse but you haven't even asked yet?

Why don't you at least fill in that form as a first step and see what happens?

To be honest it boggles my mind that you've been having these frequent cosy chats with your dad and haven't even established why he's in prison.

Fill in the form, if they refuse then you can try other avenues (local police, local newspaper etc) but a family member with young children would be a good reason to release the info, I would have thought.