My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

Or you could accept I'm in a bad place mentally right now and just leave me alone but you won't

I don't want to derail, but I find the different writing styles exhibited by one person rather interesting. I'm not asking anyone else to comment on that. I'm trying to keep to the rules.

With regard to the OP's question, I'll reiterate that keeping her father away from her children is the right thing to do.

If your talking about me and mean spelling and stuff I missed a lot of school due to growing up in care and being moved around a lot

You are responsible for your own actions here.
You are not a passive victim.
I am concerned about the OP.
The end.

👍

The legal age of consent is 16 in the UK which is why the OP explained why this was not a child sexual abuse crime. Still sex abuse though, and clearly not consensual, hence the prison sentence.

Repellent individual. I wouldn't want any dc of mine anywhere near a convicted sex offender, whatever the age of their victim.

However....

“Abuse of Trust” law

This is not always understood but is important.

Sexual Offences Act 2003: This act forms the core of the "position of trust" legislation in England and Wales. It is illegal for individuals in specified roles (such as teachers, social workers, and religious leaders) to have a sexual relationship with a 16- or 17-year-old in their care, even if the young person consents.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1/crossheading/abuse-of-position-of-trust

So there ARE circumstances where it's not legal if the child is 16 or 17.

She’s not being a bully. She’s telling the truth and you can’t see it. She is right, your thought process is weird and off and potentially putting children at risk. I’m sorry for your daughter, I truly am, but don’t try to manipulate us with her experience.

So if you’re in a bad place mentally, this may explain your dogmatic and frankly disturbing position on this issue.

This with bells on

Even without what your poor daughter endured at the hands of a sexual deviant, it is truly unfathomable that you aren’t well and truly on the side of the rest of us that someone offended for a sexual offence (ANY detail and ANY length of imprisonment) would not be permitted ANY access to your children @youalright

Damn good point

This poster’s daughter wouldn’t be wanting more detail around an imprisonment for a sexual offence before deciding access to her children

Hi, my grandfather abused my mother we found out many years later as teenagers, while he never abused us we feel he had urges when he was around us which I wont go into detail but it has still effected us all female grandchildren. My poor Mum was not able to break away from him and my grandmother until she was in her late 40's. The trauma that has been carried down into us as children and now adults knowing we were around him, and learning about this huge lie of him being a nice grandad has been very difficult to process and has played out in all of us in different ways. Please protect your children first, especially as they are all girls. It is a preference to be attracted to much younger females and children and they are at risk. Your brother has no right to tell you what to do, and is part of the problem. Trust is broken and broken in this way, it's too risky for your precious girls.

^

I am also concerned the OP is even asking mumsnet

She came to ask for permission to do what her gut instinct told her. She’s under a lot of pressure, she just needed to be told it’s what MN is for a sounding board.

^I agree with this. It will be very difficult for the OP, being emotionally blackmailed by her brother. Especially with it being about the man who brought her up and who she thought was a good man, before finding out what he was really like. She shouldn’t be jumped upon for asking the advice of MN.

Some of these posts are ridiculous.

@youalright has been very explicit that they did not sympathise or excuse ops fathers behaviour in any way. And using her dds traumatic experience as a means to score argument points is actually disgusting. There are so many other ways you could have addressed this without weaponising op and her dds pain and trauma.

This poster has simply commented on the fact that 'sex offender' is used as a catch all term for people who have been convicted of a very wide range of behaviours - some of which are much more likely to be rehabilitated successfully than others and will carry varying levels of risk to different demographics of the population. That does not make this poster a rape or sexual assault apologist in any way. These are facts that we know are true statistically. Obviously it's much easier and more comfortable to be black and white about this and say its a sex offender so it doesn't matter they should be locked away and forgotten about - but realistically that's not actually how this often plays out in society and for good reason. There are also lots of children out there who maintain relationships with parents who have such convictions within safeguarding restrictions to protect them.

I completely agree that op is best not having her children around this man given what we know from the op - especially since its not a relationship where contact is likely to be forced via court and its not a parental relationship.

At the same time, I think it's very understandable why someone - who's trying to match up the person they thought they knew with the horrific offence they've been convicted of- might feel like they need more information to help them understand this and to feel clarity on what the actual risks are around this man. It can be an absolute head fuck and sweeping statements don't really help anyone to process.

I know it’s amazing how many threads turn into a pile on against the OP. Some compassion please, imagine the stigma and utter hand grenade in the heart of your family that having a sex offender father must be. OP has come on here for a sense check and is asking some reasonable questions given her situation. Jeez.

Thankyou so much. That has meant a lot ❤️

At the same time, I think it's very understandable why someone - who's trying to match up the person they thought they knew with the horrific offence they've been convicted of- might feel like they need more information to help them understand this and to feel clarity on what the actual risks are around this man.

Not when we are talking about access to my children.

Not a chance, your brother sounds odd.

You do you. Other people will do them.

These things are always super easy to theorise on when you haven't been in that particular pair of shoes.

A man imprisoned for a sexual offence

Nope, I don’t need a shred of detail
and nor does 99% of the parents on this thread

Hard Disagree.

Someone who has been CONVICTED of a sex offence IS a risk regardless of whether you are related to them or not or 'how complicated' your family dynamics are.

The fact you may be caught up in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) due to emotional abuse does not change the risk profile.

You need to get rid of the FOG and see an offender as just like any other offender in terms of risk.

That means not letting them have the opportunity to reoffend OR emotionally manipulate or abuse your children too.

I can actually understand the desire to understand only too well. I’ll never get answers from my abusive F, as he’s dead. If he were alive, I would definitely want answers as to why the SA happened when he was also seemingly a loving father at other times. (I believe this is why my DSis and I repressed the memories while he was alive; they only came back 12 years ago when our DC were small.)

Contact with my DDs would be a completely different matter, though. I wouldn’t allow contact between them and my DB, who participated in the abuse, despite him also having been a victim and a vulnerable adult.