Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

If she had a close relationship with her grandfather she would have been in regular contact with him ? The police told you she didn’t want any contact details passed on and as an adult she knew that this situation could arise - just leave her be

I have to disagree, it sounds like they are doing the bare minimum six years too late! Regardless, she has made her feelings clear so should be left alone. Poor woman.

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us

Then either contact the police to get this message to her or leave it

DSD is making no contact very obvious, along with the no contact comes deaths occurring which she will not know about - if she wanted to stay in contact with her grandfather, she would have done.

As you know she’s fully wanting NC I wouldn’t press.

I would, however, be very suspicious of a daughter going to those lengths to cut off her father, just saying.

I'd stay out of it if I were you and leave it to your husband. Who, by the way, sounds like a spectacularly negligent parent. I don't suppose his daughter will be at his funeral either.

Everyone rushes to condemn the DH as usual. OP clearly said it was DSD's decision to move in with her boyfriend; DH tried to contact and meet up with DSD many times afterwards, and she didn't want to know. That's her decision, she will have to live with it.

I would pass this on via the police if they allow then leave things there

She was 17 years old. And quickly moved back into his house/the family home. You'd be spectacularly detached to not even notice this. Of course it was his fault.

I think this unfair criticism of the OP. It seems to me that she just wants to inform her stepdaughter that her grandfather has died. It may also be that she’s concerned that the stepdaughter may well use the fact that no one tried to contact to tell her as ammunition in the future. Everyone is painting the stepdaughter as a poor child who was abandoned by her father, but we don’t know the history of her relationship with her father prior to the OP meeting him when the stepdaughter was 15. It’s not black and white.

I would leave her alone, you seem to have been doing that for some time, why change now?
From what you said, you and her father made pretty much no effort to stay in touch during covid or afterwards. Texting once a month is hardly making an effort.
.I assume you haven't moved or changed your numbers, she could easily get in touch with you if she wanted. Instead, she's changed her phone number and not told you.
Anyway, she decided to break away and not tell you where she's gone. She's known nothing about any of you for years. Tracking her down isn't doing her a favour. Leave her be.

Why on earth has it takeh the death of someone to spur you into action?

You should be trying to find her out of love and concern whilst yes informing her of her dhf's death.

As others have said why weren't you in touch during covid, how could her useless df not have known she'd moved back home, didn't he ever check his house?

You have some serious bridges to build but it sounds like it's far too late.

We don't know the whole story, but many people do know what is like to have a 17/18 year old child.

It seems clear that the DH hasn't taken parental or financial responsibility for his daughter for a long time.

God that is so sad for that woman. After losing her mother so young to have such a disinterested father is absolutely heartbreaking. I think of the level of interaction I have with my children at similar ages to when she left and it is just very sad for her. She has been extremely unfortunate with family.

Wait? She told the police she doesn’t want her contact details being given to you? Then that’s your reply. She doesn’t want contact. Stop pushing this.

Also by trying to contact a colleague of hers to tell her that her Grandfather has died could make you step daughter look really bad and could open a can of worms for her in her place of work . . . . But I think you know that OP, don’t you?
How would you feel if someone tracked down your work colleague and messaged them? It’s weird and stalkerish.

She told the police not to tell you where she is. Why in the world would you go looking for colleagues and thinking it would be a good idea to involve them? Leave the woman alone. Seems you and the father didn't have a problem doing that when it suited you.

Take the hint.

This! Not sure if this is possible but it seems an excellent idea.

also baffled by your DH. he can’t even research her whereabouts himself. All this attempting to contact her seems to be coming from you!

I hope she’s ok. Your DH is coming across poorly here.

I agree. This would have been simpler.

DSDs grandfather has died, we want to tell her but when we did a welfare check last year the police said she'd asked them not to pass on her contact details.

That would have made all the info about her earnings from 17 onwards irrelevant.

Those are her wishes, so no, you shouldn't get your son to ask her colleague.

Is your DH worried about what people will say when she's not at the funeral? Just thinking that most of the family will already know she's gone NC and probably won't mention it.

You seem to be doing all the work on this, rather than your DH.

Jesus Christ. Your DH abandoned his only daughter when she was still a CHILD to live with some boyfriend. You should have invited the daughter to say with you as well as your DH. How can you even respect a man who completely abandoned his daughter like that? You keep saying that you thought she was OK as she said she was living with her BF but you are completely missing the point that it is not acceptable in the first place for a 17 year old to be living with a boyfriend and not their parents or guardians. They are underage!

I'm not surprised she now wants nothing to do with any of you. She will likely be traumatised from being abandoned like that by her only living parent at such a young age.

Normally when young teens (not always of course) are that rushed to leave the house, there’s good reasons behind it.

Moving out + effectively going NC that young is quite unusual.

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

well there’s your answer loud and clear.

your partner clearly did a number on the poor girl. He let her move out at 17 and you were clearly complicit.

That girls mother is going to haunt you both. What an utter disgrace to abandon a child.

How is OP "complicit" in letting a 17 year old who she wasn't living with and who she's not related to go and stay with her boyfriend during COVID. I doubt OP had any say in the matter (and nor should she).

Did your DH never go back to the home he shared with DSD op? Who was paying the bills there etc? I just find it odd she moved back into the house and he had no idea

I think she's made her decision very clear op with her response to the welfare check.

People don't usually make these decisions flippantly and tbh I'd be concerned about what state her relationship with her dad was in and why that she's felt the end to take such an extreme action to protect herself. I find it concerning that a 17 yo would be left to live with a boyfriend and that she felt unable to lean on her dad when that relationship broke up. It sounds like his parenting was the problem here to be very honest.

I absolutely under no circumstances would reach out to a work colleague, she probably keeps those parts of her life seperate and you've no idea what relationship she has with this person to know how they'd use this information or how it would be received by her. You would be opening up a whole pile of questions about her background to her colleagues which might be humiliating for her.

What I would do at a push is contact hr to let her know through a professional channel who should keep it confidential. Or send her a letter first class through her work place marked private and confidential. In reality I think she's unlikely to attend the funeral given that she's cut all ties to this extent so I think you could also leave her alone. I'm not sure what reaching out really does other than possibly alleviate guilty consciences or create a further opportunity for your partner to cause issue in her life depending on the circumstances. She hasn't cut him off for no reason op, does this not worry you especially since you have a son?