Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

The energy that's being put into contacting DD to inform her about DGD passing is the level of energy DH should've been putting into his relationship with DD. Every day.

Clearly their relationship isn't that strong and reading the PP it sounds like he hardly put any effort in. And if she's carved out a promising career for herself she's hardly a rebel child that has pushed her dad away. The evidence suggests she wasn't getting the emotional support and care from DH that she should've been getting. Absolutely heartbreaking DD has been let down in this way.

The people voting YABU and saying leave her alone, are crazies who think every bridge should be arbitrarily burnt to ashes without efforts for resolution.

Of course she should at least know her relative has died and be given the opportunity to pay her respects.

But she’s had welfare checks done and has expressed wanting to be left alone.

True!

Leave her alone. She's been let down enough both by yourself and your partner. She's made her choice to cut contact, a very justified choice given the context. Just leave her alone.

I'm sorry for your loss.

For all we know (and not to speculate because we've no idea) but this could be someone escaping an abuser. Cutting ties so completely is usually either a sign of very poor mental health or serious hurt and trauma. Given that ops dsd has managed to be completely self sufficient and created a successful career for herself in one of the most expensive places to live suggests its the latter. I would highly, highly doubt that there was anything arbitrary about her decision to go it completely alone in the world and its not ok for op and her father to essentially stalk her to her workplace and risk causing her distress or to feel unsafe. There's a reason why this adult woman does not want her father to know her current address.

Yes, very odd. Was she paying all the bills?

I just can’t get over a teen having so few ties to home and remaining parent that she is left to live with a boyfriend during a global pandemic.

Leave this poor woman alone. She’s gone NC for a reason. She told the police last year she didn’t want to be in contact with you.

stop stalking her and stop your DS stalking her on social media. it’s weird and creepy. In her shoes, if you tried to contact me via a colleague I would contact the police.

And your DPs story doesn’t hang together - how could he have been unaware that his teenage daughter had left her boyfriend and was living on her own in the family home… surely bills had to be paid there? Council tax? Repairs? Either he lied to you, or you are lying to MN. Either way he’s a shit dad and I don’t blame her for ditching him.

She wants to be NC with her whole family, no one makes that decision lightly or for no reason. She will know that means she will not hear of anyone passing, is it really a big deal she is told if she was no longer in contact with her grandfather.

This is about you and your dh using her grandfathers death as an opportunity, not about what her needs are. Leave her be.

If there is anything relating to her and the estate the solicitor can deal with it directly with her.

Don't so this. Using the police as a tool to contact someone who has intentionally estranged themselves is harrasement and wasting police time.

She will be well aware that old people will die at some point. If she wanted to receive this information from her dad, she would have left room for it to happen.

I don't understand, did your partner not ever check on his empty house, who was paying the bills, etc? Was it clear to her that she was always welcome to come home, no matter what happened with school, the boyfriend, life, etc?

OP, it is not about money. Father is supposed to call his 17 year old daughter on regular basis during Covid, ask to meet her in park. If he did all of that he would have known she broke up with her boyfriend and moved back. How could such a major development not been noticed if they had regular communication? No wonder she went low contact. Then you were chatting but did he at least once decide to meet with her in London, see where she lives. You bring it all back to money but it is attention she wanted from her parent - instead he just abandoned her completely

She was SEVENTEEN!!! You shouldn't have been "under the impression" she was going x, y, z- he dad should have been checking in on her . Daily. What is wrong with him?

Exactly this. I don’t buy that he didn’t know she was there over the entirety of covid lockdowns. The bills would have shown someone was there.
Anyway, she’s told the police not to pass on details so you have your answer @Hiltonsy . Don’t contact her. She doesn’t want you to.

If you know where she works. Could you not go to London and wait outside for her if it’s that important to tell her.

She sounds like she had to grow up very quickly at a young age having essentially been left to own devices at 17. I'd say she is mature enough to make her own decision about contact, and also to realise that elderly people die at some point and being NC she won't be informed about it.

You're encouraging op to stalk someone who has made it plain that she wants no contact.

Bloody dangerous advice.

Yes and no. Not every aspect of no contact is perfectly thought or planned out. Some may plan to get back in touch with some family members eventually. But you're right, she could have been separately in contact with grandad if she wanted.

It’s not important to the DSD, it’ll be something she’s considered and made peace with before going NC.

It's shockingly bad parenting on his part.

His 17yo dd, who had already been through the trauma of having lost her mum, left to her own devices during lockdown because he was too busy shacking up with his new partner.

It isn't surprising that she wants no contact. Leave the poor woman alone.

What an absolute catch your DP is. Can totally see why you were so desperate to live with him...

she doesn’t want contact with any of you - she has confirmed this. Leave her be, she’s made this clear. It is not an easy thing to go NC so she really really doesn’t want to hear from you. If you care for her you’ll respect this.

Is he only desperate to contact her now as he’ll be asked awkward questions at the funeral and have to admit he lost touch?

Have you head of 'Grateful Doe'?

He was a John Doe in America, He was hitchhiking with no ID on him when the car that picked him up was in a fatal car accident and everyone involved died. He was nicknamed 'Grateful Doe' due to his Grateful Dead T-shirt he was wearing when he died. The case was recently solved after 20 years.

What happened is he willingly left home to go 'on an adventure' and follow his favorite band (the grateful dead) on tour. At first he stayed in regular contact but over the time he was gone it got more sporadic and longer between phone calls until one day the phone calls home stopped. His family assumed her settled down somewhere and just forgot them so he was never reported missing (he left home willingly, they all knew why and he was an adult).

20 years later his mam finally saw the unsolved case on 20 year anniversary a TV show and they where horrified to learn he never went 'no contact' he had DIED and no one realized.

This actually happens quite a lot, there are many cases of people who die alone and aren't found for ages or aren't claimed because family are use to them being 'introverts' and 'hermits' (when really they usually have MH or trauma issues).

The UK actually has a massive database of 'Does' and several are even quite young and no one has ever raised the alarm that their missing or claimed them.

This is how this stuff happens. Cutting off toxic family members is one thing but cutting of EVERYONE (even family you had a good relationship with), deleting all contact and changing phone numbers to be completely contactable by all is a red flag. That is not 'normal' behavior and is indicative of something deeper going on. Its not just 'I don't like my dad & step mam' etc...