Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

[Hiltonsy]

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

Exactly. How ridiculous to waste their time!

If she's purposefully made herself uncontactable then that's on her. There's nothing you can do.

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

This is an INCREDIBLE drip feed. After saying that you have no idea where she is or how to contact her, which might be true, while others are recommending that you at least do a welfare check, OP’s already DONE one within 12 months and the daughter made it clear, not years ago but in fact, less than 12 months ago, that she wanted no contact. People who are NC know they’re going to miss things like family funerals; but they feel the cost is worth their piece of mind. She already decided “late last year.” Leave her alone.

RTFT and it’s very clear your DH did not care and made no effort to care for his DD. 17 and moving in with her bf? And he just said, “Great! I’ll move in with my GF and never check back home.”

You keep saying you aren’t mind readers, but that works both ways. It seems you took a “no news is good news” hands off approach. Perhaps the break up was very hard for her. Have you ever considered how she felt? All alone during Covid freshly dumped. Lost her mum, dad doesn’t come home or check on her. She might have been extremely depressed. Not being mind readers should, usually, mean you actively parent and physically check in on your under 18 year old child. Not just send the occasional “all ok” over text.

I wouldn’t be reaching out to you either.

I also can’t seem to find an address for the company online.

What finance company has no online presence other than one person on linkedin

Well then there's your answer. Leave her alone.

Dad doesn't sound overly invested for a child who has already lost her mother. She announced she wanted to move in with her bf so he ran off to yours and didn't look back. A few texts and a monthly obligatory contact. There's obviously far more to the story than you're letting on.

You've done the basics necessary to let her know. It's quite possible other family ARE in contact but secretly so as long as they all know about Grandad, there's still a chance she'll find out

Leave her be

I think she means she can’t find a physical postal address written down on the website? Not that there’s no online presence 🤷🏻‍♀️

While sad, I'd leave it at social media messages and move on.

She and her boyfriend then broke up and she went back to stay in their home, we didn’t know this, she didn’t tell us and we aren’t mind readers.

This reads that she moved back into her father's house and he never knew - did he never checking on his property? Did he never review the bills?

This part boggles me. My father - who was away with his girlfriend and work for weeks at a time when I was 17 - would check in at the house every 2-3 weeks. He always checked in at the house and kept it until after I was 18, even though I frequently disappeared (joy of being an unsupervised and uncared for teen) and left for the last time a couple months before 18, in large part because I knew he was eager to move on with his new partner. He years later apologised to me for having put his friends, work, and drugs first (we've a silent agreement to not mention the ex).

I remember how hurt and abandoned I felt, the risks I put myself in because I thought my parents don't give a fuck, why should I, and that was with my father checking in every few weeks, I can't imagine the pain of returning home at 17 and no one ever turned up to check again.

I wonder if therapists and dogooders on the internet fully appreciate that this is the consequence of going full on nc and whether they encourage the person affected to consider this.

I think not knowing when people die or other family news is a well known consequence. It's part of why certain communities do shunning to keep people in line, knowing that you'll never know again can be very hard.

I feel like some information is missing here. It doesn't make sense that the daughter moved back to the family home without her father noticing. Who the hell leaves their property abandoned and empty? He would have been paying bills. You are not giving the full story.

I would leave her alone. Poor woman. Your DH has been a shitty father. Frankly I don't think the death of her grandfather (who she clearly hasn't seen in years) is important enough for you to reach out to her colleague.

Also you seem obsessed with (perhaps envious of) the fact she has some money.

I don’t think this is about the funeral at all. Reading between the lines it looks like you and your DH are doing all you can to stalk and harass this poor woman who clearly doesn’t want anything to do with you. For the love of God leave her alone before she gets the police onvolved herself.

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

So leave her alone. She has made her feelings plain. The time to be a concerned over-bearing parent has long since passed and she is an adult now who doesn't want contact.

As for her grandfather, if she wanted to be in touch with him, she would have been (and perhaps she was, for all you know).

Trying to contact the colleague of a person who has made it clear she wants nothing to do with you or her father is stalky behaviour.

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

This tells you all you need to know. Leave her be.

Poor kid. ( I recognise not a child anymore). Her mum had passed away abd her dad contacted her via text once a month. That’s really poor on the dad’s side tbh.
He should try and make amends imo.

I don’t know about messaging the work colleague but I think you should try and find her and give a chance of being at her grandad’s funeral.

I think leave her alone, and if anyone should be trying to contact her it's her dad, not a woman she hardly knows.

Don’t make any more efforts to contact her whether that be through work, family or friends. The old saying ‘live my the sword, die by the sword ‘ springs to mind . I.e she has elected to make herself uncontactable so if/when she does find out important family news she can’t really blame anyone by herself. She is an adult making adult life choices so leave her to live with them.

Yikes! Please leave her alone! You and your partner have done enough damage as it is! And while she may be 23 now you and your partner abandoned her when she was a child at 17! And nothing you can say will defend that! Selfish people!!

Leave her alone. She's gone no contact because her dad was absolutely shit. There's no defending it. And you've let it happen anyway. Crap parenting.

Fucking hell, her only parent just dumped her when she was 17???

No wonder she's cut contact.

Have you/your DH put funeral details on your own FB? She may reading your posts even if she never replies.

Update your original op about the POLICE WELFARE CHECK and she wants no contact

You had a welfare check done
She wants NO contact - I don't blame her
Leave her alone!

Your DH (and you) effectively abandoned a 17 year old child.

A good parent would have been on her doorstep daily during covid even if all they could do was stand outside in the rain

It doesn’t sound like any of you were much of a family to her, so you need to stop hounding her now.

It sounds like she’s built a great life for herself away from you all earning well, against the odds too because that’s very hard to do without some sort of parental support. No wonder she hasn’t looked back. She may have made the choice to cut you off, but you handed her the scissors when you all abandoned her at 17.

Why are you trying to contact her when she has made it clear she doesn’t want contact?

I think you've done everything you can to try to get a message to her. She made it clear with the welfare visit response that she doesn't want you in her life. She certainly wouldn't thank you for contacting a random colleague at her work, or HR.
The time to insist on being in contact was during COVID. Her dad dropped the ball there, not you, by not keeping in touch with her to the extent that he didn't know she was living alone in their home while he was with you. In her eyes, he chose to put you first by going to stay with you, and that was reinforced with the lack of communication thereafter.
Unfortunately going non contact (you probably realise from username that I also am non contact with family of origin) means possibly not finding out about key life events, although she may well read online obits for the local area so worth getting the funeral directors to put the obit online in the local paper if they've not done so already. She may well know, but not be returning comms, and may choose not to attend the funeral even if she knows about it.
There is nothing you can do about this. You can't force her to attend!

If she told the police she wants no contact with any of you, there's your answer.