Page 7 | Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

Hiltonsy · 2025-11-09T20:03:12+00:00

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in. She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024. Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship. Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it. The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything. My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted. AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

Negroany · 10/11/2025 09:02

Hiltonsy · 10/11/2025 06:09

She’s 23 now, not a child. In 2020 when Covid happened she told us she was moving in with her boyfriend of 2 years for Covid. I didn’t want my partner to be alone so I told him to stay with me. She and her boyfriend then broke up and she went back to stay in their home, we didn’t know this, she didn’t tell us and we aren’t mind readers.
She then did a 3 year degree apprenticeship in England and then told us 2 years ago now she was moving to London for work and at the time we were still chatting a fair amount, she works in the finance world, she told us what her earnings were at the time and it’s frankly more than either her father or I make and that was 2 years ago. Plenty of 23 year olds live in London.
As for when she was doing her HNC she got over £1000 a month between bursary and loan as her father was a low earner, Scotland doesn’t do student loans the same as England. On top of that she was working 10 hours a week on above minimum wage, and received a dependents pension as her mother was a nurse that was over £400 a month. She was easily bringing in more money than many at 17!

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

Show quote history

Your bf left his home empty, she moved back in and not only did he not check on her, he didn't go back to the property for years? What happened to the property?

That is really odd behaviour from him.

Anyway, surely you have an email address?

Is she likely to inherit, you'll have to find her in that case.

nicepotoftea · 10/11/2025 09:03

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 10/11/2025 08:36

As pp have said she's a grown adult and has made this choice knowing what the consequence would be. I'd be concerned about exploitation and vulnerability when she's seemingly abandoned her whole family whilst still a child but if police have done a wellbeing check there's very little else to do.

I wonder if therapists and dogooders on the internet fully appreciate that this is the consequence of going full on nc and whether they encourage the person affected to consider this. It's one thing to say you won't be going over for a cuppa or Christmas dinner any more but I think it's something entirely different to basically make yourself legally dead to your family. I think unless your family are harrasing you or a danger to you then this isn't justified and shouldn't be encouraged.

Edited

From what the OP has said, her family abandoned her.

Bluestitching · 10/11/2025 09:04

She doesn’t want contact and I’m not surprised.

her dad is horrendous. Hardly a parent. I hope you do not have kids to him.

mindutopia · 10/11/2025 09:05

And I hope if you do contact her, she is sensible enough to pursue a non-molestation order against you.

PlatinumEdition · 10/11/2025 09:06

Please do not contact a work colleague, you have no idea what she has told them about her life before London, it may be a completely different one to reality and you will put her in a very difficult position.

You can rest assured she is alive and well as you have had the police checks done. Your partner needs to accept that he has cocked up and has most probably damaged his relationship with his dd forever.

Leave the poor girl to live her life. Sounds as though she has done well given the circumstances.

BirthdeighParteigh · 10/11/2025 09:08

Wow. You should have probably mentioned the welfare check upfront - she doesn’t want contact from her deadbeat father, so leave the poor woman alone and don’t go harassing her colleagues on social media either.

Spookyspaghetti · 10/11/2025 09:12

Your partner stopped having a meaningful relationship with his daughter long before he lost contact with her. (He was the adult/only parent figure)

Now you know your partners true colours, I hope you realise that if there is ever a deterioration in your relationship he will be treating you and your son in the same manner.

He has failed her and the very least he could do is make an effort to tell her her grandfather died. Your partner should be making an effort on behalf of his father too.

Its sad and shocking and you can’t gloss over it by continually pointing to how much money you think she has.

Also, she presumably had those loans/bursaries because the state stepped in where your partner failed to provide support.

Not of this is particularly your fault so I hope you open your eyes to who this man is.

Stressystressylemonzesty · 10/11/2025 09:13

Who was paying the gas and electricity bills when she was back at her Dad’s house?

Snowflakecentral · 10/11/2025 09:14

MatchaMatchaMatcha · 09/11/2025 21:53

I wouldn't attempt to contact her through a person at work, but if you know where she works and her job title you could write to her there.

There are also companies that find people you've lost touch with but I'd expect to pay around £500-£600.

OP please don't do this.
She has gone no contact and wants to be left alone, why can't her family accept that, hard as it is, and having her tracked down would be a massive invasion of her privacy. She's not Britains most wanted. Leave her alone fgs.

Rewis · 10/11/2025 09:14

Don't contact the colleague. If you are set to contact someone, inform the HR of the company. But I wouldn't contact anyone, you tried. She should be aware that family member might die and has decided that she doesn't want to be informed.

Also, i feel like you need to step down from this. Let her dad deal with this. You barely know this girl and the whole situation is messed up and her dad really dropped the ball.

SeriousShirley · 10/11/2025 09:17

Do you have no shame? Leave her alone. She cannot make it anymore clear that she wants nothing to do with any of you.
Honestly I read some shite on here, but her father and you take the biscuit.

Bluestitching · 10/11/2025 09:19

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 10/11/2025 08:36

As pp have said she's a grown adult and has made this choice knowing what the consequence would be. I'd be concerned about exploitation and vulnerability when she's seemingly abandoned her whole family whilst still a child but if police have done a wellbeing check there's very little else to do.

I wonder if therapists and dogooders on the internet fully appreciate that this is the consequence of going full on nc and whether they encourage the person affected to consider this. It's one thing to say you won't be going over for a cuppa or Christmas dinner any more but I think it's something entirely different to basically make yourself legally dead to your family. I think unless your family are harrasing you or a danger to you then this isn't justified and shouldn't be encouraged.

Edited

Who are you to decide whether my reasons for not contacting my family are justified and not to be encouraged?

there are a lot of reasons that aren’t dangerous people or harassment that are valid and a good thing.

OnlyOnAFriday · 10/11/2025 09:21

She’s not stupid, she will know that going NC will mean she won’t find out about stuff like this. She obviously thinks that the benefits of going NC outweighs that. It sounds like you couldn’t even contact her if her dad was to die and she will know that too.

rainbowstardrops · 10/11/2025 09:21

So her dad moved in with you during Covid and he thought she was living with her boyfriend but didn’t realise she’d actually moved back home?
Did he not go back to the house at all? You know, to pick up post, check everything was ok etc.
All sounds a bit odd to me.

BreadstickBurglar · 10/11/2025 09:25

I’ve worked with someone whose estranged family kept trying to contact her via work colleagues. It was abundantly clear why she didn’t want to hear from them, they were abusive and frankly scary.

MD2020and10LambertandButlerPlease · 10/11/2025 09:26

Leave her alone, she's made it more than obvious she doesn't want anything to do with Dad of the year or you.

Tell your creepy son to stop online stalking her as well, and, for the love of God, do not message her colleague. You'll end up, rightfully, getting charged with harrassment.

Your prize of a husband is reaping what he sowed.

I hope she continues doing well in life and finds happiness and someone who truly loves her.

Digdongdoo · 10/11/2025 09:27

Your DH was a shit dad, and she's decided she doesn't want him in her life. No, you shouldn't contact her colleagues.

EleanorReally · 10/11/2025 09:27

but to me it is important she is made aware about her grandfather's death
try the police as said above

Bagsintheboot · 10/11/2025 09:32

There's an awful lot of speculation and character assassination going on in this thread which isn't helpful to the OP.

OP, this is really down to your H and his family to sort out. DSD has made it clear she doesn't want contact so I would respect that. If messages have been sent to her SM profiles by family members then that's the end of it. It's impossible to say whether she would want to go to the funeral or not, but attempts have already been made to let her know. If she is upset at missing it, then the family can demonstrate that they tried; as others have pointed out this can sadly be one of the consequences of going NC. If she doesn't mind missing it, then no-one has tried to take contacting her too far.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 10/11/2025 09:32

Must be hard to read the responses here, you feel like your and your DP didn’t do anything wrong because she never told you she broke up with her bf, but I hope this helps you reflect on the fact that actually your DP to the outside, including his DD, feel like he abandoned her.

She never told you she broke up with her bf but she went back to her dads house. He should have been in such frequent contact with his 17 year old child that he was able to recognise that she was alone. Surely his bills etc were showing that someone was living in his house?

I don’t know the rules in Scotland but surely as things relaxed your DP would have wanted to see his DD, even if it was socially distanced? If I’m honest I’d expect him to break the rules to have seen her. My mums 60th birthday was peak Covid and I drove to her house to deliver presents and stood outside her front garden for a chat.

If she ever relents and gets in contact/attends the funeral, I hope you and your DP have readjusted your feelings and are open to be really remorseful and listen to what she has to say. DP is to blame.

Twinkletoesmagee · 10/11/2025 09:34

Hiltonsy · 10/11/2025 06:09

She’s 23 now, not a child. In 2020 when Covid happened she told us she was moving in with her boyfriend of 2 years for Covid. I didn’t want my partner to be alone so I told him to stay with me. She and her boyfriend then broke up and she went back to stay in their home, we didn’t know this, she didn’t tell us and we aren’t mind readers.
She then did a 3 year degree apprenticeship in England and then told us 2 years ago now she was moving to London for work and at the time we were still chatting a fair amount, she works in the finance world, she told us what her earnings were at the time and it’s frankly more than either her father or I make and that was 2 years ago. Plenty of 23 year olds live in London.
As for when she was doing her HNC she got over £1000 a month between bursary and loan as her father was a low earner, Scotland doesn’t do student loans the same as England. On top of that she was working 10 hours a week on above minimum wage, and received a dependents pension as her mother was a nurse that was over £400 a month. She was easily bringing in more money than many at 17!

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

Show quote history

This breaks my heart. You and your DH did what was convenient for you and absolved yourself of the responsibility of a 17 year old. I too was responsible for myself at 17, financially and emotionally because my parents were like you. I did it because I had to, because no one else had my back. Sounds like you were too busy to think of yourselves and put a little bit of extra effort to support a teenager.

Your DH needs to step up and try harder or his relationship with his DD is destroyed forever.

MD2020and10LambertandButlerPlease · 10/11/2025 09:34

EleanorReally · 10/11/2025 09:27

but to me it is important she is made aware about her grandfather's death
try the police as said above

Why is it important? She's NC, for good reason, she has told the police this already.

She's made her choices, and using the police to continue to harrass her, after years of pretty much abandoning her, and her moving on, is not on at all.

Digdongdoo · 10/11/2025 09:36

EleanorReally · 10/11/2025 09:27

but to me it is important she is made aware about her grandfather's death
try the police as said above

The police aren't messengers for absentee parents.

loonyloo · 10/11/2025 09:37

Hiltonsy · 10/11/2025 06:09

She’s 23 now, not a child. In 2020 when Covid happened she told us she was moving in with her boyfriend of 2 years for Covid. I didn’t want my partner to be alone so I told him to stay with me. She and her boyfriend then broke up and she went back to stay in their home, we didn’t know this, she didn’t tell us and we aren’t mind readers.
She then did a 3 year degree apprenticeship in England and then told us 2 years ago now she was moving to London for work and at the time we were still chatting a fair amount, she works in the finance world, she told us what her earnings were at the time and it’s frankly more than either her father or I make and that was 2 years ago. Plenty of 23 year olds live in London.
As for when she was doing her HNC she got over £1000 a month between bursary and loan as her father was a low earner, Scotland doesn’t do student loans the same as England. On top of that she was working 10 hours a week on above minimum wage, and received a dependents pension as her mother was a nurse that was over £400 a month. She was easily bringing in more money than many at 17!

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

Show quote history

"She and her boyfriend then broke up and she went back to stay in their home, we didn’t know this, she didn’t tell us and we aren’t mind readers."

Surely this would have cropped up during everyday conversation? I don't even mean daily, just normal, routine, regular conversation. Are you saying that at no point during this time was her dad in touch with her and said "Hi Sarah, how are you? How's John?", at which point she'd have told him that they'd broken up.

As others have pointed out, the fact that a 17 year old girl who lost her mother at a young age didn't feel close enough to her dad to tell him she'd broken up with her boyfriend and moved back into an empty house during a situation that was unprecedented in our lifetime speaks volumes.

Your dismissal of that poor relationship as "we aren’t mind readers" also speaks volumes.

I'm all for encouraging and letting kids be independent and am a big proponent of the idea that there is too much helicopter parenting these days but that was uncaring neglect. That poor girl must have felt abandoned

BillieWiper · 10/11/2025 09:39

You can't message someone on Linkedin telling them to alert their colleague (who may be a near stranger) that their grandparent has died?! It's a professional network not the Missing Persons Unit.

She doesn't want to be found. Surely she'll realise that the elderly people in her family she never speaks to will pass away without her knowledge and she's made peace with that.