To stop being polite about this

[Elconejorojo]

I'm a Brit living abroad, been there many years and speak the local language fluently though with an accent. Am tall and blond, most people here are smaller and darker than me.

I'm absolutely fed up with shop assistants etc trying to speak English to me after I ask them a question perfectly in the local language. There is clearly no need to switch language- i appreciate they are excited to show off their English or want to offer good customer service or whatever, but increasingly it just feels like I'm being reminded that I'm foreign and need to get back in my box.

WIBU for telling them that their unnecessary attempts to speak English make me feel like an outsider? A few times, I've asked people if they are speaking to me in English because I look foreign, and that shuts them up, but my partner (a local) says that's rude.

This will be an OP who is pissed off about quite a bit in life

But you don't 'belong' there. You are clearly different and not local. You can use the local language and they can speak English to you. If you go in those shops regularly they will know that you won't switch to English and that you are entirely fluent in the local language. You aren't going to become short and dark and accentless so it's up to you really. You won't ever belong in a 'born-there' way because you obviously weren't.

Goodness you lot. The conversation was quite reasonable at the beginning, but now im being accused of arrogance, Naziism, and being a bitter little outcast.

On the strength of the thread, I've decided to try to treat people who switch to English with me with genuine enthusiasm as an opportunity to turn a transaction into a meaningful connection. Thanks for the feedback all.

You’re in a battle of your own making that you’re bp ever going to win. You’ve presumably lived in this other country long enough to know that you can’t meaningfully compare it to the one you were raised in? We all do it after the honeymoon period but it’s useless unless you truly think you can change a cultural mindset. Just keep replying in the home language if it’s that important to you.

Hallelujah!!!! The Op has got it!

I have the same, I’m bilingual with only a very slight accent but they hear me speaking English to my DC or someone else and they try to speak. I just carry on in local language and they stop. Or sometimes I humour them and switch between languages. It used to annoy me when I first arrived, but now I’m really not fussed, I’m confident in my ability to speak local language so let them practice if they want. It’s not because I look foreign either, I look exactly like a native.

what did annoy me is when I was younger was people at work etc trying to continue protracted conversations in not very good English (nearly always men trying to show off goodness knows what), when we could have got to the point much sooner in local language. Those I did shut down fairly quickly. Or switched to French or another language I speak, which flummoxed them.

I don’t think you’re rude and sorry you’re experiencing this, defo annoying. But honestly? This is the fate of being English abroad. People in most countries are enthusiastic to use their English and will fall into it at any opportunity.

The solution: learn the local language better once you’re way more fluent this won’t happen anymore. There’s probably lots of resources where you can immerse yourself to learn the language

I get it. I am a native English speaker, but a fluent French speaker with a pretty good (but not perfect) accent. France being France, most of the time they’re happy to stick with French, but the bigger the corporation, the more touristy the area, the more likely they are to switch to English. I genuinely think they think they are being helpful. I once checked in at a hotel, had been chatting away happily in French to the chap behind the desk. He then asked for my passport and immediately switched to English. No getting away from it, it was annoying. Someone later suggested that perhaps he was more comfortable in English- possibly true, more likely he just thought he was being helpful. I’ve now assumed a policy of just following their lead when they switch, not going to let it ruin my day.

I live in England.Im English of English heritage. I'm white and blonde . I now live in a small village outside the small country town my parents moved to when I was 5. I moved away for my degree , lived away for a while and have now been living back here since 2000. I know everyone here, went to school with many of them, taught their children when I returned to my primary school as a teacher. I'm 60 but I'm still an 'incomer'. I will always be an incomer. You are even more an incomer in your situation. It's just how life is.

OP, you sound really uptight and angry over a non-issue.

Maybe just lean into being bilingual and answer back in "said language' if it so bothers you.

I live in Athens. I speak and feel the language but am visibly foreign in how I present. Often my Greek is met with delight, sometimes we exchange like natives, other times they want to speak English.

Intent is everything, I have never felt othered or like an outsider. I fully embrace my Philhellenism, but let others use their English language skills - often acquired at great cost through years of private lessons. I am often asked where I am from, and being from Wales invites much curiosity and interest. It has never ever bothered me.

If it matters so much you can simply say you wish to speak in (insert language)

I have a language degree and spent some time abroad. The usual etiquette is, if someone speaks to you first in one language, you reply in the same language. I can sew why the OP is put out. Obviously if someone is struggling, it can be kind to ask 'Would you prefer to speak in X?' if you have their language and can help them out, and they want to be helped out.
If someone is in another country and making an effort to speak the local language, it does feel rude to simply reply in their own language.

Give them a scowl, refuse to engage in English and storm out of wherever you are. They’ll soon get the message you’re not the friendly sort.

I’m an EU citizen, living in the U.K. for 25+ years. I’m married to a Brit. I’m totally bilingual. I’m white. My children were born and brought up here. You get the picture.

When I’m meeting new people, I’m still being asked where I’m coming from. Because I have a slight accent they can’t place.

@Elconejorojo , Now imagine if you were back in the U.K., you’re meeting me for the first time and one of your very first question is ‘where are you coming from?’ And I was getting the hump, what would you think of it?

what you’re experiencing is othering of some sort. Somehow highlighting ‘you’re not one of us’. Because you’re not. In their eyes, you’re an immigrant and you will always stand out as such just because of the colour of your skin/hair (and your accent, slightly different behaviour etc….)
And yes it’s jarring when you’ve spent so much time integrating yourself , learning the language, the culture etc…

But you won’t.
Just like I’m regularly reminded that I’m not from the U.K. Often through little ‘but I was just curious and interested’ questions but not just that. It’s the way you’re not accepted as readily. The way you stand out because you’re not act8mg quite the right way, wearing quite the right clothes etc….

Just now, it feels like you belong because you feel accepted by your dh family, HIS friends, people you’re working with.
The shop assistants are a reminder that you’re an immigrant. And maybe not as integrated as you think you are (see the fact your friends are actually his). That being fully integrated in a new country is hard. Much harder than it looks. Even more so if you’re in a country with little racial mix (unlike the U.K.) and you stand out.

As a non-britton, I find the theory that "locals want to practice their English" very rude and patronising. Like the OP would be doing us a favour by blessing us with three proper English sentences.

They probably don't know and don't care that the OP is British. It is just an automatic, English is the standard language to talk with foreigners, no matter where do they come from. It's not about being polite, it's being practical.

I have, maybe irrational, dislike of that "learning a few phrases to be polite", it seems rather performative and useless to me. It doesn't feel polite, it feels like "look at me how thoughtful I am". And it muddles the communication, because it means that when you hear the first sentence said in yourlanguage in a foreign way, you just continue in English and it is typically what is expected.

I understand it feels othering. There is just no universally clear code for "I'm starting the conversation in local anguage and I want to keep it in it".

OP, just say it "thanks, but I am fine in X language" they will probably feel relieved.
Yes, it is othering, but if you move to a country more ethnically homogeneous, that's the reality.

The irony of people nastily lecturing OP about coming across as arrogant…

I follow someone on Instagram who runs food tours - she is from my Mum’s country but her mother is American. My Mum’s country being what it is (people are rooted in their villages or towns of origin, and will consider someone from 20kms away to be an outsider) I am sure she is referred to as being “the American” (also because she is blonde in a part of the country where many people are not blonde).

On the other hand she so clearly is a local in the way that she speaks, moves and interacts with people, and due the fact that she has lived there her whole life, that you wouldn’t question that either IMO.

So I imagine that it will be similar for your daughter when she is older?

When I go to my Mum’s country, despite fitting in facially, the way I speak the language and the way I dress sadly mean that I will never be a local. Which I know I am not, but I love the country and feel connected to it.

In London where I now live I can masquerade as an English person due to my accent and due to the fact that in London “difference” (my first name for example) is the norm so not noticeable in the same way. So many people are from “somewhere else’ in London and it is the first and only place I have lived where my belonging (or not) has never been questioned.

I find your experience so interesting because my mine so different.

I hate to constantly been reminded I’m not British.
I hate that the first thing people notice is that and it’s then highlighted by ‘so where are you coming from?’.
I find it hard to make it ‘home’ (despite the number of years here) when the reminder is there all the time. The recent political discourse, Brexit etc… are not helping.

But you’re totally right that the best thing you can do is to embrace the discussion instead, regardless of the language.

I’ve asked white people who live here where they are originally from when I detect a slight accent. There’s no ill intent. Maybe we should just stick to the weather. 🤷‍♀️

No doubt the passive aggression will go far in your local community.

They’re just being polite. I would just work on your accent. Vocab and grammar is only one part of learning a language; the other is mastering the accent.

Strong foreign accents may give the impression of being less proficient in a language than may actually be the case.

From what my Italian teacher said, it’s not so much the question or the intent as the number of times she gets asked.

You're looking too deeply into this imo. I think they're just trying to pay you what they assume to be a courtesy, nothing to do with boxes.

@FourIsNewSix or maybe they won’t switch to the local language because it can actually be quite hard to do so.

By that I mean you tend to associate certain persons or environment to a language and then the switch happens automatically.

Like I’m speaking my mother tongue with my dcs in a restaurant. After 25 years, I’m used to switch to English to order food. I’ve been known to do that in restaurants in my home country 😂😂. Until I realise one or two sentences later, profusely apologise and carry on in my mother tongue/local language again.

Next time we hear about a non British person in the UK being treated differently and saying it makes them feel like an outsider, maybe even citing racism, let's just respond with this: 'You’re obviously foreign. You speak with a foreign accent, you look foreign. So we will treat you as if you’re foreign'.

Maybe if the OP wasn't blond and British, a more sympathetic response would have been given here? The double standards when it comes to things like this are insane.

Having said that, the locals are probably just trying to be polite, but I do get the frustration OP.

Maybe they want to practice their English

Ha, that reminds me of an interaction I had at a hotel in Bordeaux. The couple checking in before us were English speaking tourists so the receptionist was speaking English to them.
When it was my turn she also spoke to me in English so I just replied in English. Then she did a double take and apologised for what she'd just done.....she'd forgotten to switch back to French...much laughter all round. No offence taken by anyone.