To stop being polite about this

[Elconejorojo]

I'm a Brit living abroad, been there many years and speak the local language fluently though with an accent. Am tall and blond, most people here are smaller and darker than me.

I'm absolutely fed up with shop assistants etc trying to speak English to me after I ask them a question perfectly in the local language. There is clearly no need to switch language- i appreciate they are excited to show off their English or want to offer good customer service or whatever, but increasingly it just feels like I'm being reminded that I'm foreign and need to get back in my box.

WIBU for telling them that their unnecessary attempts to speak English make me feel like an outsider? A few times, I've asked people if they are speaking to me in English because I look foreign, and that shuts them up, but my partner (a local) says that's rude.

I do. I work in an international company with a mix of locals and internationals and happily speak both languages there. I also have friends (mostly my partner's friends and their partners), all of whom are local. Due to moving here with my partner (it's his home town) I've never really met many British expats.

I think that's why it's so jarring. All week I feel like I'm just one of the crowd going about my day-to-day life and then, in the city, im reminded that I'm quite clearly foreign. It makes me feel like a fool and an idiot.

Being 'reminded that you don't belong' in a city more typically takes the form of hostility. Refusal of service on a poor excuse. Bad service. Racial slurs, bricks through your windows, attacks and assaults, stereotyping you as the cause of all ill in the society. That kind of thing.
It sounds like the local population are treating you with a courtesy that many people 'foreign' in a city would be extremely grateful for.

You have a chip on your shoulder. I worked with a few Polish people and there was one woman who insisted on speaking to our colleagues in Polish, thus leaving me out. Everyone of them answered her in English as i was part of the team. My point, stick with the native language and answer them in that. They will soon pick up your drift. You won't feel like a foreigner, won't need to be rude, and they can go practise their English elsewhere on the net. They are probably just trying to show off but it is not meant with ill intent, it is meant with a friendly touch.

I agree with this. They are obviously just trying to be friendly to you.

Yes you're quite right. I'm very lucky thay largely people are very welcoming towards me, and my situation is positively brilliant compared to people who are treated with hostility in the country where they live.

You're overthinking and being massively oversensitive.

Being 'othered' involves purposefully treating someone differently in a way to make to make them feel inferior. You've decided that they're being condescending, but it's likely not that deep. It's far more likely that they're practising their English or trying to be helpful.

The simplest solution is to say 'it's OK, I can speak <insert language>' in that language and keep talking in that language.

That woman has very bad manners. No wonder her colleagues insisted on replying to her in English.

For the people who haven't experienced this: no, it's often not because they want to practise their English, it's because they assume that a foreigner can't speak their language despite evidence to the contrary.

OP, I'm assuming based on your username that you're in Spain. I lived there for many years, got my Spanish to C2 level, but I'm visibly foreign. I could, for example, speak to someone on the phone without any problem - but when I met them in person they would ask if I needed a translator. Or, better yet, look at me, roll their eyes, then without saying a word to me, call their teenager over to act as an interpreter.

It wasn't a friendly gesture. It was rude, ignorant behaviour, and it's bizarre that so many people on this thread think that OP can't tell the difference.

(Funnily enough I never had bad experiences speaking minority languages - I have a very high level of Catalan, and I speak intermediate Galego. If I spoke those in an appropriate setting - even as a beginner - people were extremely kind and welcoming. Not that I'd suggest learning another language and moving to a different area as a realistic solution, OP...)

Could you try looking totally perplexed when they speak English to you and say you don't understand the language?

I have experienced this when I go back on holiday to the country I lived in as a child. But I tell people firmly and politely I want to practice language X whilst there.

I think it is oppressive to expect people you meet casually to pretend not to notice that you are different.

Specifically it is not the job of the people you meet in town etc to make English people feel better about themselves or to pretend not to notice that they are English.

Something about suggesting otherwise sits uncomfortably with me. I’m rather reminded of the English people I have seen overseas who refuse to speak the local language and just shout louder & louder in English expecting to be accommodated. Nobody is under a duty to pander to English people or make them feel good about themselves.

It seems mostly on this thread that people who have lived abroad understand where I'm coming from, and people who haven't don't. I know i need to stop being so sensitive about it as things won't change, but at least i feel validated 😆

And very impressed with your languages! I only wish I could do all of that!

It really feels like a kick in the teeth doesn't it? But they're not doing it to kick you in the teeth - either they want to practice or are trying to be service minded. I try to shrug it off now if the other person is in the service industry.

A few times, I've asked people if they are speaking to me in English because I look foreign, and that shuts them up

Yes, I expect it does...... Great strategy OP. I'm sure that'll speed up the journey to acceptance.

but my partner (a local) says that's rude.

It is and you are. I'd encourage you to never speak English there again if that's how you represent us in other countries. This is the type of behaviour our entire nation gets tarred with.

So you basically spend all day, every day, speaking the language when out and about.

And so the odd exchange with a retail assistant pissed you off this much?

I speak Spanish fluently and every year spend 5 weeks in a town in southern Spain. No one speaks English. It is very far from being a tourist town!

So wherever you live - obviously very set up for English tourists

You definitely need to let the irritation wash over you otherwise it will start to really piss you off about living there.

Instead, be charming about it- you catch more flies with honey. Tell them in the country's language "thank you! but, I need to speak in X language- its good for me, you can help me get better!!". Then when they see you they'll feel happy to talk in their native language like it's doing you a favour.

Sorry I think you are over thinking this and taking it too personally. It’s called tourism - yes people assume you are a tourist due to your looks. Prob for everyone who looks like a tourist they are mostly right and people like you are rare.
sometimes due to my looks people assume I am not a tourist but a local and start speaking to me in their languages - my confusion usually has them changing quickly

I think feeling like you don't belong there is coming from you, not them. You could reframe to say they are trying to make you feel welcomed by speaking to you in your own language but you are making the leap that you are being rejected

Exactly! For people in lower paid jobs, extra English lessons (which are seen as aspirational) are probably unaffordable. And you offer them a chance to practise their spoken English skills. And yes, I have lived abroad. In 4 different countries. And this was invariably why it was happening.

Ironically, the ONLY place it happened less was in Spain. Because many Spaniards have had enough of the English and their ignorant inability to speak other languages. So if they're speaking English to you, by all means, reply back in their language / dialect to prove them wrong. But you can't stop them speaking to you in English. It's part of what we get for moving to places the British have a bad reputation.

It might enhance your experience if you just go with the flow. You can't change the world, can only change yourself.

Our entire nation gets tarred with English people speaking other languages to fluency and struggling to use them? If only that were the case!

But its natural in many European cities where they are taught at least one other language at school to a decent standard. Dd lives and works in amsterdam and speaks decent Dutch, but as soon as people realise they swap to english. She and her boss actually asked regulars to speak dutch. One looks puzzled and said why? We speak English too.

I'm also Scottish, and don't live abroad, but spend a few weeks every year in mainland Spain or the Canaries, and local people will speak to me in English even before I have said a word to them!

Strangely, when I was abroad while younger it was usually assumed that I was German, but I was usually in France rather than Spain then.

Ham up the Britishness and respond in English local colloquium, maybe throw in a few cockney rhyming slang. Then when they look confused answer back in their language.

Try living in England, having been born here and speak English with a London accent, but having different heritage - people are always asking where you’re originally from because you aren’t seen as a native.

I'm a person, not a service.

But I accept that my role here is to make other people feel good about themselves, regardless of how it makes me feel. Therefore IABU. Thanks all.