To stop being polite about this

[Elconejorojo]

I'm a Brit living abroad, been there many years and speak the local language fluently though with an accent. Am tall and blond, most people here are smaller and darker than me.

I'm absolutely fed up with shop assistants etc trying to speak English to me after I ask them a question perfectly in the local language. There is clearly no need to switch language- i appreciate they are excited to show off their English or want to offer good customer service or whatever, but increasingly it just feels like I'm being reminded that I'm foreign and need to get back in my box.

WIBU for telling them that their unnecessary attempts to speak English make me feel like an outsider? A few times, I've asked people if they are speaking to me in English because I look foreign, and that shuts them up, but my partner (a local) says that's rude.

Okay, thanks.

You should learn French instead and move there. They wouldn’t do this, they generally do anything possible to avoid speaking English.

I get this completely. I was learning Spanish as my brother lived there and it frustrated me that nobody would let me practice when I was over there as their English was so good they slipped in to it naturally. Interesting though that this may have happened even if my language skills were better, just based on my accent and appearance!

it’s not a phenomenon we see much here in England as very few English persons speak a foreign language to that degree of fluency compared to when traveling abroad but I would be intrigued to know how people of other origins would feel if we spoke to them in their native language instead of English? Would that be perceived as welcoming or racism? I can see arguments for both sides of the coin.

It means to be treated like an alien due to a perceived difference. I'd like to be able to go to the shops without being told that I'm 'not one of us'

It’s really not that deep. No need to join the army if the perpetually offended ffs. I imagine everyone is very eager to put their English skills into practice and thinks ‘what a great opportunity’. Not that they are ‘othering you.’

I went to a friends home country for several weeks, stayed with their family for half of it, otherwise we travelled around. Before leaving I learnt basic phrases ‘to be polite’. Not needed. No one spoke to me in anything other than English the whole time. Not because they were being polite to me, but because they really wanted to put their learning of English into actual practice. It was a bonus for them. That included my friends family who spoke English the entire time we stayed with them (and even had neighbours and friends over to put their English skills to the test n a ‘real live situation’).

You are really overthinking this. Maybe just speak the native language at home with your partner and child, and apart from that, be gracious you are giving others a chance to put their conversational English skills into practice.

Don't be rude; take the lead from your partner..

Just smile and say that you love to speak the local language because you love practising and need to learn to speak better in Italian. (or whatever language.)
Be generous and let them practise English on you some times.

You could see it as a contribution you are making to your city.
the city has embraced you, ad you have built a life there. In return, you can offer some. It’s citizens a little English light conversation when they ask for it.

Maybe they think they’re being helpful? Maybe they want to practice their English? Maybe you’ve just told them that their cat is shagging their mother rather than asking the price of pasta, who knows 🤷‍♀️

There’s loads of reasons they might do it. Don’t get annoyed.

You have to look at their intention which is to be helpful. I would see it as accepting/welcoming. Not an insult. YABU

Could you not use the local language to thank them for trying and say ‘it’s not necessary, we can do this in Spanish/Korean/Whatever’?

What would happen if you smiled and said, in the foreign language, ‘is it ok if we continue speaking in xxx as I love using your language?’ Do you think they would object?

Can you just look at them blankly and say you don’t speak English in the local language?

my friend is going to Japan soon to learn Japanese and this is one of his worries, he wants to learn Japanese and speak it but he knows that soon as they look at him they will try to speak English. I told him to instead say in Japanese sorry I am German or something 😂. Assuming that not many people in Japan would speak German.

I too think you’re being over sensitive. Accents cause interest/curiosity, even within the UK. Even within England. We are northerners. Our grandsons live in London. Their accents are sometimes a topic of conversation here. Our 4 year old asked why we pronounced ‘bath’ and ‘jump’ differently on his last visit. People notice differences. That’s life.

I voted yabu because

A. English is a lingua Franca, people speak it in so many countries and it's a useful language to have. Of course they want to practice it whenever there's a chance.

B. You would be very unreasonable to stop being polite to shop assistants who are just trying to give you good service. Especially if there is food service involved.

Do you actually 100% feel that you belong there OP or do you still feel like a bit of an imposter. You are letting their kindness and good manners irk you when you could just smile and say please let me practise my Japanese or Italian or Portuguese or whatever.
It is what it is and if people aren’t being racist or unkind then it’s nothing to get upset about. You just have to be patient and go with it, - with good heart.

You’re trying to fight against reality. From what you say, you will always stand out as foreign because you look and sound foreign. This is not going to change so you might as well accept it.

People speak English to you because they think they are being polite and helpful. If you don’t like it, just say (in the local language) "I’d rather we speak in Xlanguage". That’s all you can do.

I would assume that they are detecting that you are not native from your accent and are excited to be able to maybe practice English or trying to make you feel welcome. As someone that has moved to another European country with a difficult language to master, I would find this heartwarming, I wouldn't be offended. In my experience, if someone is trying to belittle you because you are different or be racist, they would make it more difficult to interact with you (even if they could speak English perfectly).

You know, English (and I do mean English, rather than British) people are often the same (and with less reason) and often make it quite clear that they think they are better than wherever you're from as well. It deosn't make how you're being treated ok, but it might give you cause to reflect that it's at least not as bad as it could be.

It can be frustrating OP, but just roll with it. I was in your situation when I lived abroad, fluent in local language, and yes, people practised their English on me. Generally I didn't mind. Sometimes it led to interesting conversations.

You clearly don’t look like a native so it’s not unreasonable for the locals to think you are not a native. Therefore, they are probably trying to be polite by speaking to you in a language you may both have in common.
Do you live in an area that is not very diverse and so majority look “native” ?

This used to drive me crazy when I was living as an au pair to learn a language. Almost impossible to get anyone to reply to me in their language but I so wanted the practice! I was actually very good at speaking it but that didn’t seem to matter so totally get how frustrating it is.

Goodness OP, you must be unhappy about quite a lot in life

Op is completely fluent

do you work op? Have colleagues? Made friends?

I am guessing the OP hasn’t carved out much of a life for herself in terms of work colleagues and friends.

Because if you worked - then your day would be spent conversing with colleagues in the language.

If you had made friends - then you would converse with them in the country’s language

So most of your days would be full of conversing with people in the language. So the odd shop assistance assuming English would be water off a duck’s back.

The fact the op so exercised by it - indicates she doesn’t get much opportunity on a day to day level to converse closely with people in the language

They want to practise their English, that’s all.

That's certainly not been my experience and I speak passable French.